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Adoption: Talking to your child about adoption
By Mayo Clinic staffFor adoptive parents, knowing when and how to talk to a child about adoption can be hard. You may be afraid that you'll say the wrong thing or scare your child — but it's important for your child to know that he or she is adopted. By talking openly about your child's adoption, you'll build trust, nurture self-esteem and help your child understand what it means to join a family through adoption.
When to talk about adoption
Many experts believe it's never too early to talk to a child about adoption. By talking to your young child about adoption, you can give him or her an early opportunity to understand and accept the concept of being adopted.
Talking to your child about adoption at an early age also helps ensure that he or she hears it from you first. If your child finds out about his or her adoption from someone else, it may lead to anger or mistrust. Your child may also view adoption as bad or shameful because it was kept a secret.
In addition, the longer you wait to talk to your child about adoption, the harder it may become. Early talks about adoption will give you practice and show your child that it's OK to bring up the topic.
If you're concerned that your child will be confused about adoption, however, it's OK to wait until at least age 3 — or whenever you think your child can better understand the information. Ultimately, the best time to tell your child about adoption is up to you.
How to talk about adoption
Start using the words "adoption," "adopted," and "biological parents" or "birth family" when your child is young. Explain to your child that the words "mother" and "father" can have more than one meaning. For instance, a mother is someone who gives birth to a child and also someone who loves and nurtures a child as he or she grows up. Read age-appropriate books about adoption with your child.
Share with your child his or her birth story. Begin the story with your child's birth — not your initiation of the adoption process. Explain how he or she came into your family and the joy you felt at bringing him or her home that first day. Tell him or her about the many ways a child can join a family, whether by birth, adoption, stepfamilies or foster care.
If you kept a scrapbook or journal during the adoption process, share it with your child. If possible, show your child pictures of people and places involved in his or her early life. Consider placing pictures in your child's room to encourage him or her to ask questions about adoption. For instance, if you have an open adoption, frame a picture of his or her birth parents. If the adoption was an international adoption, hang a picture of his or her native country. Or consider compiling these pictures in an album — sometimes called a life book. These details will help your child understand the meaning of adoption.
When talking about adoption, don't tell your child that he or she was given up out of love. This may make your child wonder whether you will give him or her up, too. Instead, you might say, "Your biological parents made an adoption plan." Also avoid telling your child that being chosen for adoption makes him or her special. This may lead your child to feel he or she has to be perfect.
Next page(1 of 2)
- Parenting corner Q&A: Adoption. American Academy of Pediatrics. http://www.aap.org/publiced/BR_adoption.htm. Accessed Aug. 21, 2009.
- Borchers D, et al. Families and adoption: The pediatrician's role in supporting communication. Pediatrics. 2003;112:1437.
- Singer E, et al. Assisting adoptive families: Children adopted at older ages. Pediatric Nursing. 2008;34:170.
- Nickman SL, et al. Children in adoptive families: Overview and update. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. 2005;44:987.
- The adopted child. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/the_adopted_child. Accessed Aug. 21, 2009.
- Hoecker JL (expert opinion). Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. Aug. 26, 2009.
