Depression (major depression)

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• January 31, 2011 9:24 p.m.

  I have a 7 year old son. He is my whole world. But I am weary. I have depression and anxiety and am on meds for both. Somehow I have no joy or desire for life. I want the best for him, but I don't want to live. I am so weary. Nothing works and I am tired of it all. To say it simply, I don't care about Anything and my only emotion is guilt that my beautiful son is stuck with me. I don't know that I can hang on.

  - renee

• January 31, 2011 1:12 p.m.

  I'm 22 and have seasonal depression that gets really bad. Sometimes I feel like I can just stare out my window for hours and not have a thought in my head. My boyfriend, this is his first winter with me and he doesn't understand. I argue a tun and I think he is basically better off without me. I wish I could just put everything on pause until it gets warmer out and my depression goes away. I don't want to loose him but when we argue he gets upset at what I am upset about and it just doesn't end well. I want to be alone but at the same time I just need to be in his arms. I feel like my happiness is dependent on him, and I have always been a independent woman. It scares me. I really just need a break from life. Two jobs and college and a boyfriend, top it all of I am clinically depressed in the winter. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to take medicine with the risks they have. I am lost. I need to relocate.

  - april

• January 28, 2011 2:55 p.m.

  7 yrs. ago I had a fairly severe nervous breakdown from some long-term, chronic stress I was under coupled with long-term sleep deprivation. I had inpatient hospital tx. + outpatient tx. that included CBT and several different kinds of anti-depressants. I have one dr. that things I have PTSD, another that things I have GAD and Depression. I do meditation, have eliminated some of the sources of stress I was under, I have tried a lot of things. I have not been on anti-depressants or in tx. for about 3 yrs. I also have a nerve damage/chronic nerve pain that I take Lyrica/Ambien for. I also take anti-viral suppressive therapy 2 x a day for an STD I received from my ex-husband when we were married. I didn't even know I had it until it blew out when I had the more extreme experience of the nervous breakdown. Prior to my hospitalization for that I was only taking vitamins and doing a lot better. I continue to struggle at least once a day with suicidal thoughts. I have supportive friends, family, a fulfilling career, hobbies and interests. The suicidal feelings and triggers I have never go away and are tormenting. I try to manage the triggers I have from many things that have happened to me in my life that were traumatic. I have to force myself a lot of the time to not isolate and stay in bed all day when I'm not at work and going to work is a struggle. I have to make myself go do social and other activities as well. I'm so discouraged about what else besides giving up.

  - Jade

• January 25, 2011 6:03 p.m.

  My husband has psorisis over 95% of his body and laid off for the winter i am looking for work , And he gets so depressed this time of year i dont know what to do with him he passes and just wants to fight all the time we have no money . i am at my wits end

  - kathy

• January 25, 2011 3:22 p.m.

  I met with my pdoc today. He is upping several of my prescriptions dosage. If that doesn't work we will do ect in a week. I really don't care about it anymore. I will always be sad. It is just a vicious cycle. I am not up for it anymore.

  - Ann

• January 25, 2011 11:08 a.m.

  Diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety disorder 16 yrs ago. Been treated with, Paxil, Effexor, and presently taking Cymbalta/Wellbutrin combo. Once took Prozac but was more jittery and anxious than normal. I take Ativan for my anxiety on prn basis. Lost my job in March 2010 due to behavior as result of depression and anxiety. My job required high levels of concentration, accuracy, speed, and organization. I went to counseling because it was required if I wanted to keep my job. I gave my counselor permission to submit report of progress to my supervisor. I tried my best to and keep my job but I was dismissed anyway. My supervisor was getting reports from my co-workers that I was making too many mistakes, too slow, and waisted too much time. I was out more than the norm due to stomach problems, HA's, and aches and pain in general. Some of my co-workers understood the depression and anxiety but most of them thought I was just making excuses and was a bad employee! My supervisor recognized my problem with depression but I think she grew weary of the tattling coworkers. For the most part, it was a relief because I worked 12 hrs a day 3 days a week which required sitting in front a computer 90% of the time. Now with more time on my hands I sit up late, sometimes sleep all day the next day, and I worry constantly. I am scared of working again for fear of a repeat scenario! My Relationship with my family is severly effected! Thankfully,NO suicide thoughts/attempts.

  - Cynthia; tired of living this way!

• January 24, 2011 6:27 p.m.

  dear courtney thank u very much for the nice compliment,it means alot to me :)

  - denise

• January 24, 2011 7:13 a.m.

  I have attempted suicide and tried meds,effexor kinda worked but coming off it was awful so i don't use anything now.My husband has a fatal, progressive disease that comes with dementia and my kids are either busy or needy so I have alot of friends.I keep very active and struggle because I have the worse time keeping going.I just want to crawl in bed for days,and sometimes I do.I live remotely and am self employed so I can easily disappear.

  - beth

• January 23, 2011 10:50 p.m.

  Dear Denise, I think you are wonderfully supportive and compassionate AND exactly the type of person needed on this blog :)

  - Courtney

• January 23, 2011 10:47 p.m.

  Dear Ann, I've been exactly where you are at right now. Depression tells you all the wrong things. When I was at my lowest, the depression was telling me that I was worthless, unlovable and my kids would be better off without me. That's all the depression talking...don't listen to it. Distract yourself, even if it's for a few minutes. I hope your doctor appt goes well!

  - Courtney

• January 23, 2011 10:42 p.m.

  dear ann i'm glad that u talked to your husband, i'm sure he'll be a big support to u, it's good that u have an appt. with your dr., hopefully he'll get u on the right track & get u to feeling better, so that u don't have to go in to the hospital, but if u do, it's usually a good thing or a big help anyways, has your dr. ever had u on any other drugs besides the effexor ? does that seem to help u ? hang in there, don't give up & write back

  - denise

• January 23, 2011 11:16 a.m.

  My husband forced me to tell him what was wrong this morning. I fessed up to being depressed. It is so hard for me to talk to anyone. I have a appointment with my old pdoc on Tuesday. Even though I definitely want to switch docs I think my situation is dire enough that I need to see someone quick. I can not go through ect right now. The last time I went to the doc he lowered my dosage of venelfaxine. Hopefully, that will help solve the problem. I truly hope so, because I cannot go on like this.

  - Ann

• January 22, 2011 1:34 p.m.

  dear ann you are so important to those kids, that you wouldn't believe it !! it's when they "leave the nest", so to speak, (they still need you) but not as much ?? why do you say that you're a bad mother ? i'm not a professional, but it sounds like you're going thru a bad time right now & probably a bad depression, for which there is help, look for a psch. dr., just my opinion, see the phone nos. @ the top of this pg., they may help you too good luck, don't give up hope & write back

  - denise

• January 22, 2011 10:35 a.m.

  I am a bad mother. Don't get me wrong, I love them to the bottom of my heart. They are 17 (boy) and 14 (girl). All I wanted my whole life was to be a mom. It makes me cry, but I just don't think I am good for them any more.

  - Ann

• January 22, 2011 10:13 a.m.

  I am a bad mother. Don't get me wrong, I love them to the bottom of my heart. They are 17 (boy) and 14 (girl). All I wanted my whole life was to be a mom. It makes me cry, but I just don't think I am good for them any more.

  - Ann

• January 21, 2011 9:52 p.m.

  alice just got off the phone with my mom & she had a "good laugh" @ what you wrote to me !! i noticed that you have no blogs written here, so i'm assuming that you must be an english teacher, just wanting to blow off smoke, have i miss spelled any words yet, sorry if i'm being so sarcastic, just my way, you don't know how old i am & how dare you imply that "i'm not a teenager writing text messages", find something else to do with your time, we have important issues here to discuss, you helped no one i'm sure!!

  - denise

• January 21, 2011 9:28 p.m.

  dear ann i can empathize with you very much when u say that u've been on many meds., i to have been there, as far as your dr. goes, in my opinion, it is not a good idea to have someone so close to the family, it probably would be a good idea to get another dr., there are some good ones out there, i can understand that you don't want to go to the hospital, but i tell my family some bottom lines (3 of them) of when to take me in, yours will be different then mine of course, but one of mine is, if i feel like i'm going to harm myself or someone else, find a different hospital to go to, that may be a solution to getting a new dr., these are just my opinions, as i'm not a professional, just someone that does alot of research, get a fresh start maybe a new dr., will put you on different meds., read up on them, good web-sites are web m.d. & rx list, did the ect treatments help before ? they may be just what you need for now ? i to suffer from major depressive disorder & am not doing that well right now, also good luck, don't give up & write back

  - denise

• January 21, 2011 8:29 p.m.

  dear alice i'm sorry if you are upset by the way i write my answers, there is limited space for answers & this is the only reason that i do this, you're right i am not a teenager & don't try to be, i really only do it because we have to keep are answers to a minimum, what's next are you going to correct my spelling, i don't think i am spoiling the whole blog by doing this, if anyone else is offended, please feel free to let me know thank you

  - denise

• January 21, 2011 10:56 a.m.

  Help! I have been diagnosed with major depression. I have received ECT treatments twice and have been on a variety of meds. I am slipping. All I think about is how awful I am to my family. I am taking my many meds faithfully. The problem is my Doctor. He is a great man that has saved my life. The problem is that he is a good friend of the family. All we seem to talk about is what they are up to. It is almost like he is trying to get the gossip out of me. I can't go back to him again. I have great difficulty talking to a therapist and find myself trying to get out of the appointments with her. I am very depressed. I want to end it all. I have a very supportive husband, but I can't tell him about this as I will end up in the hospital under the care of my doctor receiving more ect treatments. Maybe that is what I need, but I can not go back to my Dr. I just need to start over....help.

  - Ann

• January 21, 2011 7:59 a.m.

  dear denise, may I ask you a question. Although you seem to be a caring, kind person and know quite a lot about depression I still have one question. Why on earth do you write with numbers, can you not just type to instead of 2 or for instead of 4 and u for you? That shows you do not respect the language you are using and after all you are not a teenager sending text message. I hope you shall take this into consideration because you are spoiling the whole blog with your way of writing that doesn't fit with your age. Thank you.

  - alice

• January 20, 2011 9:34 p.m.

  dear cindy i agree w. k, but if your depression is clinical, in my opinion, no amt. of talk therapy will help, how long have u been on the meds. ?? don't get me wrong, i'm not against talk therapy, i think it helps alot, but the right combo of meds. usually helps 2, do some research on the meds. that ur on & also go to some web-sites that have patient reviews & other good info., web m.d. & rx list r good ones, again i'm not a professional, just someone that's had this illness, 4 about 30 yrs. now, doesn't make me an expert by no means, just an info. junkie, good luck, hope this helped & write back

  - denise

• January 20, 2011 6:10 p.m.

  Cindy,,have you ever tryed therapy?

  - k

• January 20, 2011 5:33 p.m.

  I have been depressed on and off for most of my life. I now take Effxor XR 300mg with abilify 5mg and welbruton 150mg and I am still depressed. Any suggestions?

  - Cindy

• January 18, 2011 2:21 p.m.

  dear mark i'm glad u wrote back, i've missed hearing from u, i am thinking that you're giving up hope, giving in 2 this illness & just thinking that u can't be helped, this is so far from the truth, i can only give my opinion & talk to u & encourage u 2 hang on, but the calmness that ur feeling i'm worried about, please call some one, anyone to get a different outlook on life, i remember that u were gonna talk 2 your pastor, did u get a chance to talk to him?? your life should NOT b like this & u have 2 still fight, u never said anything about a therapist or a psych. dr. that u may b seeing ?? r u ? u don't have 2 tell me if u don't want 2, but u HAVE 2 talk 2 someone besides me, i'm very worried about u, i would like to c u take your own advice- "that the sooner they seek help the better", remember it's NEVER to late, for u or anyone else !! i'm sorry if i'm repeating myself, u will get out of that dark hole, i believe that with all my heart, if u don't feel comfortable talking to someone face 2 face, call a crisis center or one of the other phone nos. that r listed above, i believe that they're 24-7 & yes i have had 2 call them, please keep in touch, i'm concerned 4 u & want to know what ur thinking sincerely denise

  - denise

• January 17, 2011 10:55 p.m.

  denise, from some strange reason I have felt very calm for the past few weeks. For so many years I have been fighting the negative thoughts and always felt worse the harder I fought them. I made a concious choice to accept that this is how my life is supposed to be and decided to just stop fighting it. I accept that whatever happens in my life is meant to be and I cannot change it and I no longer want to change it. The harder I fought the worse I felt and now I feel a sense of calmness in my daily life. All of the time I have spent trying to climb out of this hole has been so detrimental to my family and it has not been fair to them to have to deal with my lack of being able to be the type of husband, father, provider that they deserve to have. I thnik that they only regret that I have right now is that I did not get the help that could have saved me 30 years ago. I know that I could have made it out of this hole if depression was not seen with the stigma that is associated with it. I feel that I have been rambling on tonight and wanted to let you know that I really appreciated being able to talk to you so openly. I hope that you are able to touch the other people that come here looking for help and get them to see that the sooner they seek help the easier it will be for them to be helped. Depression is an illness that can affect each and everyone of us. Not everyone can be helped but I think the earlier someone seeks help the better their chances are. Thanks again

  - mark