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September 20, 2008

Losing your personal bubble when pregnant

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By Mary Murry, R.N., C.N.M.

There are some interesting things that happen to you when you're pregnant. It seems to begin as soon as people know you are pregnant.

Personal boundaries seem to melt away. You have no more personal bubble. Your belly is fair game for everyone from your great aunt May to the greeter at Wal-Mart.

I myself never had a problem with any family member giving my tummy a rub or pat. It was when people outside of the family reached for it that I cringed. I have to admit that with 9 and 10 pound babies, my tummy made a tempting target. I got very good at noticing the telltale signs; rapidly approaching, hands outstretched, the words "Oh you don't mind ..." uttered with a smile after her hands were already patting my tummy.

I would try to get my hands on it first and block the planned assault. Rarely was I successful. The little old ladies were the fastest of them all I think.

Another amazing phenomenon is the loss of discretion or sensitivity for your feelings. This takes different forms and the results are not nice. It causes people, friends, family, neighbors and complete strangers to comment on how big you are or aren't.

They ask if you are having twins because you are so big. This loosening of tongues and sensitivities causes some people to feel free to comment on the amount of weight they think you have gained. I won't even repeat some of the comments I have heard.

The third part to this unique experience is the one that baffles me the most. This is where all the women you know (and some you don't) tell you all the horrible experiences they or a friend of theirs had or a relative, near or distant, had. We are so vulnerable, especially with our first baby and yet these well-meaning women strike terror into our souls with tales of 92-hour labors, epidurals that paralyzed them for 2 days, forced natural childbirth, bottoms that were never the same after episiotomies or stitches.

Let me not forget a subset of this group, the women who tell you how painful, uncomfortable and time-consuming breastfeeding is.

I, of course, have recommendations. Look at the woman talking to you. Does she have only one child? Is she still breastfeeding her 9-month-old? Don't believe everything you hear. Take everything with a grain of salt. My strongest recommendation to everyone is don't become one of these people. If you feel the phenomena starting to suck you in, resist! We can break the cycle.

Please share your experiences.

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21 comments posted

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December 13, 2008 3:24 p.m.

I’m writing from turkey. I like your writings.. Your explanations are enough.

- D. Ali

November 17, 2008 10:44 p.m.

When strangers would come up and touch my friend's pregnant belly, she would reach over and touch theirs. By the look on their face, you could tell they felt a little awkward. We always had a good laugh after though. :)

- Sarah

November 10, 2008 10:43 a.m.

Dear pregnant ladies, Just remember - you have the right to protect yourselves and sometimes to fight back. It seems that all human beings have a tendency to touch a pregnant belly or to amuse themselves by sending a poor woman into panic attack by telling them a horror story. Being 31 weeks pregnant I heard everything, from "you gained weight on your behind! to "have fun pushing". I have learned to brush everything off. If they come too close - tell them you become extremely nausiated, especially when somebody is touching your stomach (or just hit their hand). To avoid panic - try to educate yourself as much as possible with the help of trusted sources, and when somebody tells you noncense just smile with understanding - they just try to satisfy their psychological needs by scaring you. And brace yourselves - the time will come when every woman (your mother-in-law included) will start telling you what to do with your new baby! Good luck to everyone!

- Julia

November 7, 2008 2:59 p.m.

I too had and have experienced 3 aspects. I'm due in a few days with my second - who will be delivered via c-section. I stopped telling people who were asking that I would be having another c-section because of the dirty looks and comments they'd make. Cripes, my son was 10.5 lbs, there were complications, he had to come out that way, there was no choice. And I'm not going to go through that again with the 2nd. So, I would add that to the list of insensitive comments. Don't judge ladies who are having c-sections. I promise I never will!

- Sara

November 3, 2008 12:23 a.m.

During my pregnancy I had all 3 aspects of this phenomenon occur to me. People at work started asking me if I was pregnant before I was even 12 weeks along. I finally confirmed it to one co-worker and she told me she knew because my butt was bigger than usual. I was shocked. Then once the word was out people started commenting about how big I was and since my sister had twins they all speculated that I was having twins also. Nope. Just one in there! I work in a predominantly female workplace and so the horror stories about labour, a switched baby, and breastfeeding were enough to make me want to quit! AND, then the worst situation of all was when I was assisting a researcher one day and all of a sudden he (a stranger, I might add!) palmed my stomach like a basketball and said "Hey, you're preggers! I hadn't even noticed!" I was SO shocked I just stepped back and said, "I certainly am." I just walked away. I wish now that I responded with a rant about how inappropriate his action and comment was but I think I was just in shock when it happened. It just didn't make sense to me. I couldn't fathom what this man was thinking when he did it. That some people think a woman's pregnant state or belly are fair game in any way - for comments or touching - is just ridiculous.

- Denise

October 27, 2008 1:32 p.m.

Just turned the 5 month corner. I had to email coworkers that I had told to not share my news with others, as random people I didn't know well were talking to me about their labor stories (or worse, their WIFE'S labor story). That seems to have helped. Also a close friend just had his first child and told me his wife would simply slap people's hands if they tried to touch her belly. I will probably do something like that too, if they touch without asking first! I decided to buy the Mayo Clinic Pregnancy Guide as opposed to another popular pregnancy guidebook because it is focused on the healthy, positive, and honest information we need. I don't need fear mongering, guilt-inducing advice now, especially when I'm already anxious and scared about these life changes!

- Missy

October 21, 2008 5:59 p.m.

Well, I'm a doctor (not OB/GYN, though). There's only one thing other than "Congratulations!" I tell my sisters/girlfriends the second I learn they are pregnant: Find yourself the most trustable OB/GYN you can find and regardless of what ANYONE says, believe him and only him (or her). Well intentioned aunts, co-workers, sisters, etc. etc. will only add to the confusion, especially regarding advice on what to eat or not eat, things you can and cannot do, and so on. And horror stories? Kindly cut them short by letting people know you'd rather not hear the story if it's a negative one, since you are trying to keep positive and shiny. In my eyes, pregnant ladies glow! Contratulations to all of you!

- Maria

October 20, 2008 2:43 p.m.

I'm a little over 5 months and still only just showing. For months, while feeling sick as a dog, I wanted to scream to people that I'm pregnant. Now that it's more obvious, I get stares from people who would otherwise not notice me, and everyone is suddenly very interested about how I'm feeling. No touching or horror stories (yet), but it's funny that I'm feeling protective just with the little extra attention I get -- leave me alone! Why are you suddenly so concerned?

- amanda

October 17, 2008 8:51 a.m.

I dread the belly touching and horror stories. I am four months along, and haven't even told the family yet, simply because I'm not ready for it to be a constant topic of conversation. I don't even like to shake hands, so the thought of a stranger rubbing my belly creeps me out...And I am totally expecting the horror stories and fat comments. I ride motorcycles, and when someone learns that, they feel the need to tell me how stupid I am, and then tell me about some horrible wreck they've heard about. It is in poor taste, but maybe that has prepared me for the pregnancy insensitivity. I guess what bugs me most is the people who think labor is such a beautiful, magical experience. Not sure which is worse - horror stories or ridiculous "labor is great" women.

- J.O.

October 16, 2008 2:55 p.m.

Since I've been pregnant, I've been on the receiving end of some incredibly insensitive comments from friends, coworkers and random acquaintances. One woman said she'll be watching me to see how wide my hips get, and another said she's glad it's my butt getting bigger, not hers... why would anyone say anything like that? My feeling is that if you wouldn't comment on a non-pregnant woman's size or weight, it's still inappropriate even if the woman has a boarder in her belly. I've also faced all the "oh, just wait until THIS happens" horror stories from those who've been there. It's incredibly disheartening and makes me dread the upcoming months rather than look forward to this amazing experience. It's actually been pleasant so far, but I live in constant fear of what I've been told is coming up. It's also misleading, because every woman and every body is different... no one gets ALL the possible pregnancy complaints.

- Katie