Stress management

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• October 28, 2011 2:29 p.m.

  THE ARTICLES WERE WONDERFUL AND SO HONEST AND I CAN IDENTIFY WITH MOST OF THEM. STRESS IS REALLY BAD IN ALL THESE SITUATIONS. I AM A VERY HIGH STRUNG PERSON AND THIS ADDS TO THE STRESS. I WILL PRAY FOR ALL OF US CARE GIVERS AND GOD TO GUIDE US THRU EACH AND EVERY MINUTE EVERY DAY. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT AND GOD WILL NOT LET US SINK IF WE LEAN ON HIM. I PRAY AND THAT HELPS ME GET THRU A LOT OF PROBLEMS AND ANSWERS A LOT OF MY QUESTIONS. IN GOD WE ALL MUST TRUST.

  - ROSEMARY

• July 30, 2011 9:32 p.m.

  I gave up my good paying job in January 2009 to take care of my elderly parents. My father was in the hospital in June '09, back in the hospital in July '09. He was sent to a rehab facility as he had a couple of broken vertebrates in his back for no reason. Long story short, After 5 weeks in rehab and worsening health, I had him taken to the hospital. On September 22, 09 he passed away suddenly and quickly. He was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma less than a week before 8.12.11he passed. My mother and he were married 60 yr and she was in total denial and still is to some extent now. I have been caring for her 24/7 and she just recently had a stroke. I take her to multiple doctor visits with different specialist. Will find out on 8.12.11 the severity of her stroke. I have 3 other sibling that live less than 20 min a day but they never bother calling her, coming down, etc until something bad likes this happens. I end up in the stress center for 3 day on July 5 which they started me on some medication for my anxiety and depression. It's so hard doing this as I live in her home and make no money, do all of the yard work, cleainging, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, picking up her Rx's and making sure her pill cases are filled, making sure she's taking her meds and insulin (shes a severe diabetic) on time. It's definitely a 24 hour job and I'm exhausted. the siblings can only complain of what I am doing wrong. Had to vent sorry but it feels good since i have no one to talk to.

  - Kim

• July 30, 2011 2:12 p.m.

  My mother was fairly depressed after my father died after 63 years of marriage and so I stayed on with her to be a companion which probably was a mistake. Now, she had to have a pace-maker put in and is doing fairly well.She is in her own home and I live with her. I am a social worker by training and tried to serve as best as I could to be her advoacate.However, I had previously been involved with a brother(62)who suffers from mental disabililty and I spent 9 years ,helping him to get off drugs.I am worn out andmy parents have always helped me but I would like a life and need to work and dont know how to talk with my mother except in harsh words. She says that she is fine and that I should go a head with my life. I am not sure what to do because I have two other sibllings who have significant needs. Any suggestions. Thankyou Carolj

  - Carol

• July 26, 2011 12:52 a.m.

  Sadly, my mother is in the position you describe. She has been admitted to the hospital, but there is no family for her to go home to. We aren't able to provide the level of care that she needs and our homes don't accommodate her multiple disabilities and healthcare needs. I feel so guilty because she does not want to go to a nursing home. I hope I can at least be the kind of advocate that she needs. I would love help or advice.

  - R

• December 4, 2010 11:56 p.m.

  I am staying with my grandmother and acting as her care taker. I love her like she were my mother, but I AM TIRED. I have been sleeping alot less. My mind feels like it's on a roller coaster. I am exhausted both physically and mentally. I am not getting any relief from anyone else. It is left solely up to me. What can I do to destress?

  - Meesh

• November 19, 2010 9:57 a.m.

  As I work with patients, I do notice that those patients who are taking care of loved ones tend to have more stress in their lives. They also tend to not heal as fast as most other patients. Learning how to handle and avoid stress is an important part health.

  - Tom

• October 31, 2010 2:46 a.m.

  I am a caregiver. My husband is COPD, post CVA, extreme pain ussues. He needs hip replacement and not good canidate. HE IS ON HOSPICE. hAS BEEN GREAT. VA has been helpful as well. Allows me to get out twice a week for ME time. I recently had gastric bypass. Began working on myself. Have lost 30 lbs so far. Hard dealing with his declining health. With God in my life, he helps me endure all the difficulties and helps me to cope.

  - Ginny

• October 29, 2010 8:54 p.m.

  I found myself as a caregiver about a year ago when my mother came to live with me and my family. She was diaganoze with alzhimer a few years ago. she was living alone in her on house, although it was next door to my brother. My brother was getting overwhelm with mom, and we decided she should come live with me for a while. It can get stressful, especially when she have her moments and start call my aunts back in georgia saying I am abusing her or have her living in a basement. She watching television all the time and lovers "Dirty Harry" and she told my aunt I slapped her and was on drug, she took that scene out of "Dirty Harry" and place herself into the situation. The bad part of is my aunt in georgia believes her. But the younger aunt who works with alzhimer patient came to my rescue because she understands the disease and the symptoms. I was ready to pack her up and send her back home to georgia. I ask my why she told such a lie and she honstly belive it happen. Until I talked to a support group I was just outdone ready to give up. but now I understand that mom don't mean to be mean and a liar, she can't help it. The support lady advice me to look at mom as a 2 year old and that is what I have started doing and it has really help. Now when she get in one of her afternoon moods I just walk away until she comes back to herself. Its like nothing ever happen. At lease i have my husband and daughter and my sons to come and take her for awh

  - Cathy

• October 3, 2010 4:57 p.m.

  I never imagined there was a pleace to talk to other caretakers, what a wounderful idea. If there are people out there like m self then the workd is not as bad as I though it was. I am a 47 year old man struggling with m own disabilities and for the past 7 years I accepted my role as my moms caretaker and it has been such a wounderful experience thus far. I had some personal issues that I was dealing with and thought I would die from them but these past few years watching my Mom getting closer to her journeys end I have chosen to give up all my vises and give her 105% of my time and to do for her what she can no longer do for herself is a feeling that is undiscribable and a shame because to be chosen to have this experience is like living all over again. We are a chosen few and I would like to honor al caretakes because it takes a special kind of pereosn to be happy da in and day out. I am that special person, I never look for a pat on the shoulder and I am always there for my Mom. Jesus is Lord.. God is Almighty.. Rocco from Bayonne

  - Caretakers are Special!

• August 3, 2010 12:04 p.m.

  I have been home with my son for almost five years. He has seizures & all kinds of trouble with his medicines. Although his situation has improved in the past 3 months I am afraid to leave him alone if case of a seizure. He has grand mal seizures. It has been a lonely road for my family and hope to have all this behind us some day, but I will be here for my son as long as I am needed. I do find that exercise helps quite a bit & get out of the house as much as possible. Be good to thy self. Thanks Carol

  - No name given

• July 20, 2010 7:07 p.m.

  god bless everyone who takes care of another who is ill or incapable of taking care of themselves. remember to keep yourself well and rested so you can continue to do the good work you do. try to remember to 'walk a mile in their shoes' to understand why they say and react the way they do. to lose your independence is horrible (as an adult). remember how happy you were when you became independent as a young adult/child. how horrible it would be to lose that, after you have experienced it. again, blessed be to all those who care for others. keep the faith you are doing the work of angels.

  - joyce

• July 13, 2010 5:44 p.m.

  I am the caregiver for my 77 year old husband of 56 years, who has advanced COPD. I am 73 myself and often find it difficult to manage everything: his many meds and breathing treatments and refills (must stay ahead two weeks so as to receive by mail), my meds. also, and all the care and repairs of our home in the country. Our daughters and husbands live 250 miles away and try to help when they can make it here. My husband's Drs. have begun to tell him that there is no more improvement to be had, as he is on oxygen full-time now. He is frail and weak, unable to care for himself. His care comes from the VA, which is 100 miles away. They have taken good care of him as far as meds. but offer no help for ME. As he grows weaker, my days become more difficult. It is often lonely, as he sleeps a lot and is only able to read or watch TV. I sometimes am able to get out to Church activities and grocery shopping, but know this will become more difficult as he grows weaker. I am considering some kind of hospice or at least home health care. Any advice from other COPD caregivers would be appreciated.

  - Doris

• July 2, 2010 6:41 a.m.

  I find that just a few minutes a day with something "new" helps me to keep going with only a few hours of sleep. A interesting book, learning a new skill (I'm learning about bee keeping now), exercise. Things that take me away mentally from the daily stress of caregiving. Keeping a positive attitude - when his snoring wakes me up, I know he is still alive and with me!

  - Norma

• June 24, 2010 8:26 p.m.

  my mom passed away little over a year ago. married 57 yrs to my father. He cannot get over her passing. He is depressed layes around in bed all day, wants to die, acts like a feeble old man,refuses to help himself..has become extremly rude to friends when they come over..result they don't visit any longer... I fly, so i commute up/stay @ his home..do the house cleaning, cook meals when their, have basically taken over the roll of my mom. he can at times be very rude towards me verably, refuses any help or suggestion in snapping out of his by way. I have two sister who live near by and do nothing in helping out, even when I have asked! I have suggested getting someone to come in once a week to clean..his comment back is he already has a house cleaner....He has told me that i need to by the mother know to my siblings...which i said NO...at times when i do this for him and alter my life/marriage/work he does not appreicate it only to snap rude things towards me when I get frustrated.. I have suggested that he needs to have physcial therapy,( because of doing nothing his hip and legs are in need of PT) have suggested that he get out and get involved in things only to be shot down. My marriageis in trouble now because my husband is tried of my being away...plus I am at witts in..I am ready to throw in the towel. I need some hlp please..thank you

  - jennifer

• April 20, 2010 3:43 p.m.

  You are so right! My husband suffered a tramatic brain injury 14 years ago. He can do nothing for himself and that requires a lot of hands on from me and carries with it a lot of stress. His sleep cycles are very abnormal,and if he is awake he wants me awake!(He is like a small child since the accident.) If I don't get enough sleep I am more stressed and it is much harder to think clearly and make decisions. With sleep,I can face the day without being somewhat agitated and drained the minute my feet hit the floor.The days roll along much more smoothly!

  - Kathy

• December 25, 2009 11:26 p.m.

  Taking care of a loved one during cancer is so frightening. Crying is not allowed as it is seen as negative energy. I am getting to the point that I cannot remember anything. Every minute of the day is involved in moitoring Drs. appts., medications, treatments, work schedule. How do people relieve this stress level. So many friends say "Let me know what we can do to help", they would not want to begin to help. I cant blame anyone for staying away from sick people. Just sending out my prayers to those who are in such stressful situations. I am not a particularly religious person but hope that my prayers reach someone.

  - mary

• December 13, 2009 7:44 p.m.

  My beloved mother had Alzheimer's for the last two and a half years of her life. I made an immediate decision, upon her diagnosis, to take care of her rather than put her in a nursing home. In addition, her twin sister, who was most difficult to live with, even when she was well, needed care. To manage their situation, in addition to teaching fifty music students and working in three nursing homes, I decided to hire around the clock care takers, a decision which was not popular with my aunt. The ensuing tension for those two and a half years was horrendous. Kudos to those wonderful caretakers from Lutheran Senior Services, Joyce and Lena, who stepped up to the plate. Even with their help, I had 24/7 tension in dealing with the situation. Crying in my therapist's office one day, I heard her say: "Your stress levels are way too high. You need a monthly break from this. I made the decision to take one weekend a month at a local park. Actually, I've written this comment already in another blog. But it's worth repeating in this one. This was a lifesaver. Thank you Caroline for suggesting this! I was able to return home refreshed and ready to go for another month. When my mother died, I made the decision not to be the caretaker for my aunt. My reserves had been exhausted. It was not a popular family decision. Eventually she did move into a nursing home and I got my life back. Barbara A. Author of Cry Depression, Celebrate Recovery, soon to be released.

  - Barbara

• August 17, 2009 11:54 p.m.

  I wanted to share my friends story with everyone.. she is a dear friend who has a disease called wegener's granulomatosis. She had insurance through her hospital she worked at for over three years.. When my friend found out about her disease, she had to quit her job.. She went on long term disability and was paying $495. a month to cobra insurance. After 18 months, cobra dropped her coverage due to an 18 month contract. My friend still has wegener's due to no known cure.. Her medicines run around $1400 a month without insurance.. This does not include the chemo drugs she has to have, which runs her now $75. instead of $15. She has tried to find help.. She gets Social Security Disablity.. But that does not pay all of her bills and medicines.. I really am tired of all the phone calls day after day from people trying to collect more money.. More test from Doctors who can't understand that she no longer has insurance.. I am mentally and physically drained not only because of my part in her healing, but day after day of watching her stress over how she can pay for her meds and doctors.. She can't get medicaid, medicare, etc. until the end of this year.. Because of no help out there, she has become very depressed. I do not know how to help her. Since she has no insurance, she can't drive anymore because of a defibulator transplant, new outbreaks, she can't work anymore.. She has no family to help her.. So, I have become her caretaker, it is overwhelming sometimes..

  - Molly g.

• July 21, 2009 3:22 p.m.

  i appreciate your blog on this subject. I am now faced with caring for my mother who is only 60 years old and I am 34 with bipolar disorder. My family members are not available except my twin sister who's time is limited for this matter. I have help from a friend but my stress and anger is telling me she will not last long, she's gonna get tired and burnt' out from helping with my mom, i am grateful for her don't get me wrong, but I am reallly angry with our healthcare system. It is very scewed when it comes to long term care for disabled adults. Everything is too expensive and Kiasar Permanente told me to go down to Social Services to get medical when this hospital is a big entity and can't provide a home for my mom? It's ridiculous and scary and I am very mad about this. i have school and a life to live and now I feel it's been ruined.

  - Jenny

• June 27, 2009 2:03 a.m.

  I don't know what to do! I am taking care of my grandfather that I barely know (have been for almost two years) it seems his children don't want anything to do with him and he says he wont tolerate a home...I take one day a month to go out with my very tolerant fiance....but it doesnt seem enough...I don't sleep (right now I'm awake at two am and my fiance is sleeping) my doctor said I was stressed and wanted to prescribe me narcotics to make me sleep but I dont want narcotics....there is no help here...I wish there were...depression is seeping in :(

  - spenceralyssa

• June 10, 2009 9:32 a.m.

  i've taken my mother in two years ago when her alzheimers progressed. i had to hire 24 hour care. my husband and i gave up half our space to make a small living area to try to keep our privacy as much as possible. my siblings completely abandoned me. my mother has been extremely lucky with her care. now i find myself completely empty and it's taken a strain out on my marriage. we've lost our life somewhat and can't remember what it was like to be free anymore. i'm having trouble with depression. any help out there?

  - anonymous

• May 19, 2009 2:19 p.m.

  I think w/ such a lack of community that exists in most places (in America anyways), it is extremely challenging to be a caregiver. I would say don't be a martyr--take care of your own mind, body and spirit. Get respite and professional help if need be. What I've seen happen so often is that one person in the family gives and gives and gives, while the rest stand by. Then, when the ill person dies, the caretaker starts to suffer various illnesses. There is nothing worth your health and sanity. Help, but be mindful of where you begin and another person starts. WHen you can't take anymore, say so. It's a tough issue.

  - Nancee

• April 21, 2009 8:40 a.m.

  I wholeheartedly agree with Dr. Creagan's comments. As a gerontologist who primarily works with caregivers of Alzheimer's sufferers, I see the statistics - half of all caregiver die before the person they are caring for! I therefore strongly advocate stress management in a 2-pronged approach. First, anything that I can offer the caregiver that will simplify their life is indeed making their life less stressful: support groups, adult day care, home health, etc. Second, are things that the caregiver can do that will work directly on the stress in their body and eliminate it: simple exercise like walking around the block, or prayer and meditation. However the most powerful stress buster in my arsenal is 'guided imagery'. For those that don't know, Guided Imagery is a mild form of hypnosis, and extensive research has demonstrated its effectiveness over and over again. In fact in studies where Guided Imagery is one of several modalities, it invariably ends up being the most effect of all them. The beauty of it, is it is easy to use, you need only a quiet place for 15 minutes and a CD player or computer.

  - Donahue Vanderhider, MSG

• April 2, 2009 1:45 p.m.

  My mom is in stage 4 cervical cancer that has metastisized to the lymph nodes...Long story short...she moved in with me for 4 months right after the diagnosis...She decided she wanted to go back home and wanted to take care of herself...well she has since then went downhill...she has lost 30lbs(she weighs 88lbs now) and has began smoking again...she started to get very depressed and had a psychotic breakdown...she has been in a psychiatric facility for 2 weeks now...she has no will to live and has been trying to kill herself....Well they are releasing her to me tomorrow and she is going to come live with me again...but my husband does not want her here...what am I suppose to do in a situation like this...he is completely unsupportive and is bold on her not being here...my moms life is limited and she cannot take care of herself....I just need some advice on this situation...it has me completely stressed out and I have enough on my plate having to take care of 4 children at home...thanks for reading...

  - Steff

• March 31, 2009 7:09 p.m.

  In response to Nancy, I too am coping with my mother being admitted into a long term care home 3000 miles away! I have siblings in the area, so thankful for that, but they do not understand how difficult it is for me to be far away. I visited her during her transition into the home, and spent 8 days with her for all meals, but had to leave to return home. I am feeling depressed and extremely sad about this - and trying to cope. The sad part is I keep thinking of how my mom 'used to be'..very active and healthy. She has a degenerative disease, that is ravaging her body and leaving her weak and in pain. She is cognitively fine and very aware. I am wondering what to do.

  - KAREN