Depression (major depression)

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• November 11, 2011 11:53 a.m.

  Suidice can sneak up on me. I am beginning to recognize symptoms such as not being interested in things I normally like to do. Withdrawing from people and groups on the internet is another sign. But this happens so subtiely that it is upon me before I realize it. After my fifth suicide attempt in which I almost died, my husband took all my medicine and gives me the daily doses. I am trying. I have a page on Facebook where I am writing about bipolar illness. I plan to write a book (after my fourth one) to expose how bipolar illness destroys individuals and families. This will be a memoir.

  - Sandra

• November 9, 2011 6:18 p.m.

  I,ve been depressed and suicidal for my entire life.I have no good memories to rely on.Fourtytwo and i,ve ruined my wifes life and future.I would rather not kill myself BUT my mind wont leave me be.I really wish there was a magic pill or the snap out of it!Sane people seem to get it? Im BROKEN!

  - bd

• November 5, 2011 11:02 p.m.

  Read a comment that there are services and people to help. I sure haven't been able to find anyone to help and even when you pay them you wait and wait and wait.

  - JB

• November 5, 2011 10:58 p.m.

  Yes, people are so busy and yes, you have to pay people to listen. I now have a stomach problem that my gastroenterologist doesn't seem to care, call back you wait and wait and nothing done. Keep changing doctors you are told. Visits are expensive but just keep changing doctors. Have an eye problem and doctors are so busy who has time to help someone in need.

  - JB

• October 16, 2011 3:46 p.m.

  Just my experience with "counseling", et al: Been to many "counselors", "therapists" and a "shrink"; in my experience, the purpose of their existence is to KEEP YOU COMING BACK, not to help you. They also make money for the drug companies and the only real "shrink" I talked to immediately sent me to an out-patient setting (didn't work either, but they made a fortune on my insurance). He wasn't interested in listening either. Last time I called a hotline, the "counselor" they referred me to put my appointment off for 3 weeks because it was during the "holidays" (who wants to be inconvenienced by a suicidal customer during the "holidays"? How unreasonable). Yeah, she cares. I wrote that one off right away, haven't bothered with another one since. Yes, you can pay people to listen to you, but it doesn't change how you feel. Can you relate to that?

  - Barry

• September 10, 2011 11:13 p.m.

  Hi all, I've been battling with depression for most of my life. I also got involved with addictions. I was born without a vagina, had a cleft palate and some other physical issues as well. At the time I was told my defects were because of something that happened in the womb, now I am finding it might be genetic. I wrote my memoir, Bad Girl Gone Mom to help others that might be battling with depression related to gender development issues. It isn't easy to talk about but I hope it makes a difference in the way people see gender.

  - KC

• September 3, 2011 5:48 p.m.

  It's so hard sometimes and there really aren't services out there. I have no one. I've tried church and people just literally do not care. I have so many health issues and now it looks like another one. I'm so overwhelmed and even the medical field just does not have compassion. I'm sure the economy is a factor to people's lack of compassion and wanting to help. I don't know what I'll do if this other disease is really real. There is no one that wants to help. It's so hard. I can't keep paying for people to try to help me as the cost for private services is just too high.

  - JB

• July 26, 2011 4:31 p.m.

  I have to step back and try to remember this feeling will pass. The Dementors in the Harry Potter books take a grip of me and I can't even fight to hold on to my own son.

  - Leslie

• July 25, 2011 3:47 p.m.

  As dominant as suicidal tendencies are in the U.S., making the resources for people to call a therapist available can be difficult. It’s good to know someone makes those resources available to the public.

  - Specialist

• July 24, 2011 4:11 p.m.

  It has been a long 5 months of struggle to survive. I struggle to find the meaning of life. Is death really so bad or just a mans law. Is there truly a heaven and hell. If so is this hell.The only comfort I can find in my life anymore is the comfort my husband gives me when he hold me tight so I feel safe. I no longer feel anger, joy ,pride I have lost all sense of comfort except the one my husband provides. I can't find that switch to turn off the the sadness I live with everyday and bring happiness into my life. Is this life really worth living. Does my husband truly understand how ill I am.

  - robin

• July 7, 2011 3:08 p.m.

  The stories I've read here are heartbreaking. Some of the tales seem to be related to the screwed-up times in which we live and the devaluation of human beings in favor of the money god. A dog eat dog society is not conducive to mental health or finding support for your disability. I'm against suicide for everyone except me. I really can't fault anyone for making that decision though I believe it should not be done without a lot of forethought. My depression seems to be situational although it has always percolated quietly under the surface even during the good times. I've always known that it would probably be a matter of time before I would reach some kind of critical mass in my life. And unless there is some kind of significant change here soon, that time has come. I'm not sure why I wrote on this site, but I really appreciated the honesty expressed here. I don't believe in an afterlife, but the long sleep sounds quite inviting. good luck

  - joy boy

• March 16, 2011 12:56 p.m.

  there is always alot of services out there to provide help...do not be a stranger...just need a little help like a car needs a tuneup no shame is getting by with a little help from your friends/

  - john

• February 22, 2011 7:28 p.m.

  My husband has been depressed for several months...in the past 12+ years he has had several out of control gambling episodes....he spends hundreds and hundreds of dollars, and then he says that he doesn't remember, this is followed by excessive alcohol consumption. This changed 8 months ago-he wanted to quit his job of almost 15 years as a Manager. He did quit his job, he had a suicide attempt-1 day in the ICU ward-10 days in the Mental Health Crisis Center-now he only works 4 hours a night, for minimum wage-3 weeks ago he attempted suicide again....he's been on constant medication, counselors, doctors etc....does it ever get better? I would like a "happy, healthy and vibrant" husband! Am I asking for too much? He smokes, drinks alcohol - hardly ever eats and he sleeps 18 or more hours a day...other than working 4 hours a day and showering-he does nothing!

  - M's wife

• February 8, 2011 1:01 a.m.

  I've been depressed all my life, since I was a little girl. I thought about ending me life. Now I'm in my mid 20's almost 30yrs and still have depression.. I never thought I would get this far in life but sometimes I feel it would have been better to end it already. I'm not a dreamer or a wisher, I just want to be happy. I know that won't happen because I don't let it. Someday I'll get help but as of now, I feel that its too late. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

  - G

• November 15, 2010 12:21 p.m.

  I lost my son to an drug overdose 3 years ago. I've been suffering with depression, but have had some good weeks lately. Yesterday I had a severe meltdown, I was gardening being busy, the next thing I knew I was crying uncontrolabe for hours and hours, laid in my bed felt like I was having a heart attach, grab some xanax and took more then perscribed. I finally went to sleep from exhaustion, but I had the most horrible of nightmares and the uncontrollable urge to die. I think my husband came in and out of my room, but I'm not sure. What's happening to me, did I have a nervous breakdown?

  - Sue

• August 23, 2010 8:06 a.m.

  I am 57 years old now. I have been in some form of therapy since I was 14 years of age. Although I have had much success in my life and have a wonderful family (my family...not my original family) I still suffer from profound depression with every one of your symptoms listed as signs of severe depression. I have been on anti-depressive medicines for at least the last 15 years yet I still cannot sustain a normal state of mind. I am getting weaker at my ability to fight back this disease. I don't know how much longer I care to even try to get better....

  - Seth

• August 22, 2010 2:17 p.m.

  One week ago my beautiful daughter got so drunk while on an out of town birthday vacation. She and her friend and my other daughter and son were along for the trip. She went out "Clubbing" and came back so drunk that it was scary. When I walked out of my hotel room the next morning I saw a strange man in her hotel room while she was standing there with the whole rear end of her pants ripped out. I went into motherhood role and told the man to leave and not to come back. (She has a boyfriend who she seems to like an awful lot and you never can tell about strangers these days). I was trying to protect her when she was incapable of making a rational choice. This insued an argument. In the process of the argument I got beaten up physically by her. In front of 3 adult eye witnesses. She hit and punched and kicked me and hit me over the head with the phone handle. It was awful. On the way home she got out of the car and for almost 3 hours I chased after her in lightening and heavy rain as she ran out onto the Interstate in traffic and odd people were trying to pick her up. It was awful. When we came home she immediately left. She has not been home since. I have not eaten hardly or slept more than 4 hours in a weeks time now. I cry all the time. Everyone says for me to forget about her. How does a mom do this? Can you tell me. I am not suicidal yet, but sometimes living without knowing if she is ok is like already being dead! Suggestions please on how to

  - non applicable

• June 7, 2010 11:53 a.m.

  Wow, I have never seen a blog like this. Many of you have posted things that I have felt or can empathize with. I feel kind of sick to my stomach even putting anything like this out in the world. I have never been comfortable sharing everthing about how I feel with anyone, even though I have been in therapy many times. I have heard people say that suicide is a coward's way out. I believe it is the result of many diseases that eventually claim lives. I hold hope that I and everyone who suffers from feelings that are so overwhelming that they make our life feel not worth living eventually find something that helps us. My advice to people who deal, love and interact with us. Have compassion, listen(if you can) and try to understand that there is little you can do. I know I don't blame anyone who has no patience with me and my lifelong struggle.

  - No Name

• June 1, 2010 4:49 p.m.

  I want to clarify my earlier post: When I say 'drugs', I'm talking about antidepressants. NOTHING has worked. I'm sick of living this way. I'm sick of the damage it's causing my family and the burden they have because of me. How much pain must I, and they, go through? I think about suicide all the time. I can't imagine that living without me could be any worse than living with me.

  - Marianne

• June 1, 2010 4:45 p.m.

  I can trace my depression back to having my first son, 15 years ago. Since then it's been an uphill battle with drugs, therapists, psychiatrists and more drugs. Nothing seems to work for any length of time and I just end up sinking back down into that deep, dark hole.

  - Marianne

• May 11, 2010 9:36 p.m.

  Just want to curl up in a ball.The depression isnt getting any better .The meds arent working.I am so tired.Have started to get rid of some of my things.Dont like to leave my home.Always on the edge of an emotional shut down.Try so hard to hide it all from my family .Dont want them to see my pain .Am self harming and have suicidal thoughts.

  - no name

• April 23, 2010 9:17 p.m.

  I wasn't diagnosed with clinical depression until my 30's, however, I suspect it really has been since my teen years. I am now 61 and really tired of trying to cope with disease. Several years ago, I tried to commit suicide of which I am ashamed. I have been on numerous drugs and today the doctor suggested ECT. He did not mention that I would need it more than once, let alone monthly. My sons have their own lives and I don't want to burden them with a mentally ill mother. I don't know what to do!! One reader said the only way to get someone to listen to them is tp pay someone. I have found this also to be very true, but, I think friends and relatives don't know how to respond to someone with depression. I don't blame them either. I have numerous relatives that had this condition in the past and several who are still struggling today. I know what it is like to "be careful" around that person and be the talk of the family. My family has a joke that we have a special wing at the state institution. I guess, my whole point in writing this, I guess, is to let off steam. I am very tired of going through severe episodes without any support. As I said, freinds and family don't know what to say. God be with all of us!

  - Elizabeth

• April 22, 2010 11:05 a.m.

  i think about death all the time, usually its a car accident and i die afterwards I am relieved

  - annie

• March 19, 2010 10:36 p.m.

  I have suffered from depression for many years now.Haved tryed and am on many medications .I have atempted suicide several times in the past .Only to realize that when my mind clears I have so much to live for .It is hard to pull yourself back from that dark place that makes you forget the people that love and need you .good luck to you all.It is an everyday battle that can feel impossible to win.

  - Kate

• March 1, 2010 3:37 p.m.

  My sister married a man with severe depression. They had 2 daughters. He would be happy when he started taking a medication and then slip back into deep depresion. He would try another med and the same thing would happen. Nothing worked for him, he even tried shock treatments. When the girls were 7 & 5 he took his life in their garage. Now the kids are 17 & 15. Oh my God! Both of them have depression. The oldest is the worst. She has OCD (Washing her hands and arms until they are raw). She was put on medication that helped her but then she refused to take it. Now she refuses to go back to the doctor. She says the meds make her mind cloudy. She also has anger problems (taken out on my sister), yet she has to sleep in the same bed at night with my sister and the lights must be on. (remember she is 17 years old). PLEASE HELP ME help her. What do I say to convince her to get help?

  - Amy