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• February 6, 2010 12:19 a.m.

  This is in reply to Nancy. Thank you for writing about your idea that perhaps AD might be caused by a disorder of the spirit. I have wondered the same thing. My husband has AD and lives in a nursing home also. I have watched him deteriorate over the last 50 years from a beautiful, intelligent, even charismatic man to someone who can no longer even speak. Before his illness he kept everything problematic to himself or appeared to behave as though problems didn't exist. He did not want to talk about unpleasant things and would never admit that there was anything wrong with him at any time during the illness. I never thought this attitude was very healthy and now wonder whether it at least contributed to this illness in some way that we are unaware of at present. Reply to Joy: To me, your husband is exhibiting early signs of AD. Much of what you say is so familiar. You are not a "poor wife" because you react with anger -- it is normal. However, it doesn't do either of you any good. You must learn different ways of responding. The first thing to do is get him to a doctor for a diagnosis. Some illnesses mimic AD, and you want to be sure that is what you are dealing with first.

  - No name given

• January 15, 2010 1:54 p.m.

  My mother had Alzheimers and has since passed away. My husband now has Alzheimers and is in the nursing home. I have become very drawn to wondering why this happens in people. Of course I know that there are no conclusive answers to this. Nonetheless, it intrigues me. Since no one thus far has been able to explain why this happens, I have wondered if this isn't some disease of the spirit which somehow starts to cause a malfunction of the organic brain. In both the case of my mother and my husband as well, they came from older type philosophies of life which dealt with hardship and rather unbending personalities, which in my opinion did not give enough flexibility to helping them to move towards happier lives. My mother was a good woman, worked hard but pushed herself unmercifully whenever the dreams of her life failed to materialized, plus sometimes she became bitter over these things. My husband has been on the one hand very lucky in his life but has also suffered disappointments and emotional crisises on the other hand which it took him a long time to recover from. He is actually a very emotionally based person but with hard views and attitudes representative of an older, harder western culture. I have often wondered if the things we harbor inside our very spirit which hurt us or damage our psychic selves manifest later in life and make our brains malfunction, especially if our spirits become bitter or unbending. It is just a thought - not scientific.

  - Nancy

• January 15, 2010 12:17 a.m.

  Could someone -- ANYONE -- please help me? My husband of over 50 yrs has been exhibiting behavior that just doesn't fit who he's always been! I have no idea if he has any self-doubt about his functioning. He very often jokes about his poor memory, but I always tell him that all of us at our age have the same problem. He's always been a very proud person, and would never admit to any fears about slippage, even if he experienced them. His personality seems to change in the late afternoon and into the evening. He still insists on having his "happy hour", but he's nowhere near an alcoholic. Yet, after a drink or two, he becomes quite irritable and sometimes addresses me as though I were one of our 3 children, who are now middle aged adults. Math has never been his strong suit, but any situation that calls for reasoning, especially if it involves some arithmetic, really stumps him. His judgment, especially regarding our finances, seems to have worsened. Yet he still insists on handling our checkbook. He's become extremely emotionally dependent on me, but I've explained that to myself by the 2 major back surgeries he's had in the last 18 months. Sometimes, circumstances which don't even seem to me to be relevant to some activity that is expected appear to become very confusingand even t to him. I have been a very poor wife, as I've allowed myself to respond to much of this in anger. But when he says something hurtful, my fuse ignites before I can control it

  - Joy

• January 12, 2010 12:38 a.m.

  What do you think about MemoryMate (http://www.memorymate.com)? It looks like a useful tool for a caregiver.

  - Alex

• January 1, 2010 10:53 a.m.

  reply for mary. . .we all know what you are experiencing and I think it is safe to say that we are all at some level angry too. I am angry that my wife of nearly 50 years has AD, angry that she is dieing a little with each memory lost, angry that this has not only she has this disease but that I have experience it with her. We are angry because it is a part of the grieving process and while it is not what we expect of our self it happens to each of us in may small and large frustrations which are out of our control. Mary you are OK. . . be forgiving of yourself and find some respit care for you. . . find a group or organization to support you. You will still get angry but maybe you will begin to define what your anger is really directed at or to. You shouldn't be angry at yourself. you are a wonderful sister to care and you are not as healthy yourself so treat yourself to a dose of I"m OK today and contact her doctor and see if her med's might be causing some of the changes in her behavior. it might be just a simple change or adjustment that will help. Untill then be filled with loving-kindness, good health, happiness and a peaceful spirit, where ever you can.

  - I know

• January 1, 2010 10:32 a.m.

  can someone help? i am the full time caregiver for my sister. she is 67, i am 64. it took almost a year before she had an accurate diagnosis of ad. she doesn't remember last christmas, but was fully able to enjoy christmas this year thanks to her wonderful doctor. medication has helped her so much regain much of what had been lost. the problem i have is anger. although my sister is much better, i still have all of the responsibility for managing the house, her meds, the meals, etc. i, myself have copd and am on oxygen as well as other meds. i get tired and loose my patience when none of what my sister says or does is her fault. when she was more confused it was easier for me to accept. now that she is better, i forget that she still has this awful disease. how can i stop yelling at her? i feel angry all the time. she is my best friend and i love her dearly. can anyone offer any suggestions?

  - mary

• December 31, 2009 5:18 p.m.

  I needed to read this today. Such tremendous sadness has overwhelmed me today. My wifes friend surprised me and came to stay with my wife so I could just get out. I left feeling elated until I turned onto the highway and and found myself asking, where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do? Out in the midst of thousands of people I was suddenly all alone and had to stop and rethink what was going on. It is such a dreay day weather wise and that surely didn't help, but I am at the point that I think I need reassuance too, that I am ok and it is ok to feel sad and that there are those who help even without asking and for that I should be happy. My wife is so loving and adoring and I hate so much what is happening to her. An award winning much honored school teacher for 38 years who now is so childlike is many ways. I love her so much and am really so lost at times myself.

  - Richard

• December 31, 2009 3:20 p.m.

  So enjoyed my read today of each comment as I'm still processing my visit over holiday of my mom and celebrating our time together. She is so quiet and different and moving fast this last year 2009 into the disease. I work hard to accept her as she is and all the support of read comments thru this blog or newsletter is awesome for me and my mom. thank you & here's to 2010!!!!!

  - Mary Kay

• December 31, 2009 2:28 p.m.

  This site gives us a chance to share, learn and vent,however Mike, no-one is suggesting we accept the distant past and that we wear the rose colored glasses to tight.Its unfair to judge what works for some people and not others we all know our own situation no ONE shoe fits all.I'm sorry you need to be always in the present. Be KIND ,we are all doing the very best we know how.This, what you call, 'delusions' are AD persons precious memories of their past.Nothing wrong if it makes people happy.My own mother has a tenderness for the past and frequents it often.At such time I'm needed in the past,I'm grateful to share the moment.We do what it takes.Just as you feel the need to do for you. Life is a wonder, my fervent wish in the New Year to all ... Love will Light your days with Joy and Hope for the Future.Be happy when you can! blessings Karen

  - KAREN

• December 30, 2009 1:45 p.m.

  My gift to my husband who has had Alz. for 15 years is to visit him in the nursing facility as much as I can to feed him, give him hugs, tell him I love him and listen to his sounds and laughs and remind him of funny subjects in the past and make believe that I know what he is saying and laughing about. Tomorrow we will be married 55 years and his gift to me is to say the words "I Love You" every once in a while.

  - Lorraine

• December 30, 2009 10:32 a.m.

  Well glad to know someone has experienced satisfaction with person suffering with dementia. That experience has not been mine whatsoever, as a matter of fact it is pure pollyanna.

  - Ione

• December 30, 2009 9:20 a.m.

  The previous comment from the woman with AD was very well stated and a great service to those caring for people with AD and wondering if they are doing the right thing. Thank you

  - Jenn

• December 29, 2009 7:20 p.m.

  Mike: I see where you are coming from about entering the AD patient's fear and confusion. I, too, often struggled with how to handle my mother's fears and confusion before she died. I think if I had let her express herself more regarding her own reality instead of trying to correct her thinking, it might have given her a bit more emotional release. My 84 year-old mother always claimed to be 48 during that year. I now find I might be happier if I could relive my 57th year instead of admitting to 75. Although, I have AD, I still know the difference. Still, during the past year, while I'm still working from home, communicating with my family, and accepting responsibilities that suggest I have no major problems, I would feel better if some of them could understand the feelings I have and the struggle I face everyday to ward off some of those awful symptoms. Because I look and act "normal" they still can't get away from depending on me for things I've handled in past years. Two years or five years down the road, I pray they will be wise enough to understand and share with me some of those memories, whether pleasant or unpleasant, so I don't have to withdraw and keep them to myself. Now it becomes an embarrassment when I make a mistake or forget something, so when those things become more bizarre, I know it will be even more upsetting. Gentle reminders to the AD patient to orient them to the present are great, but contant correction is a No-No. We need our own reality.

  - No name given

• December 29, 2009 2:23 p.m.

  You are lucky your grandmother can speak, my mother no longer can and hasn't been able to for a couple of years. Bedridden & depressed, we do the best we can to cheer her up even though she doesn't know we are her children and I know the moment I leave the room, she doesn't remember I was there. My heart breaks and I leave her nursing home crying every time.

  - Ann

• December 28, 2009 5:00 a.m.

  I see far too many Alzheimer's patients writhing around in fear and confusion and far fewer that are happy to be in the distant past. Most wonder where their spouse got off to, fear the people around them and wonder just where they are and how they got there. Are you suggesting we accept that too? I think perhaps you're wearing those rose-colored glasses a bit tight to your head. Being fully present is a gift we can give anyone, at any time but particpating in a patient's delusions isn't always the right choice.

  - Mike

• December 27, 2009 8:14 a.m.

  Thanks for sharing your experience. What an awesome gift we can give those we love who have Alzheimer's. My mother often did not know me and one day she wanted to call her daughter (me) on the phone. On the house phone I dialed my cell phone number, went to the back bedroom, and chatted with her on the phone. She was so happy she got to talk with her daughter! Thanks again for sharing.

  - Carol