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• April 9, 2012 4:59 p.m.

  My dad was abusive and violent towards me. Years after I left home in a pohne call from him where he was being bitter about my sister I stopped him talking. I camly told him that even though he had done so much harm to me I wanted him to know something. I said " I forgive you". As I was putting the phone down I could hear him having a breakdown, he sounded like he was affronted. I didn't think before I said it, it just came out. And I ment it. And it was like Id been carrying something heavy and awful around that he gave me and I only noticed when I handed it back to him. The relief was amazing. Then for some reason I started laughing,for ages, tears running down my face. When my dad died a few years ago, I was holding his hand. I can't always manage forgiveness, but I always try, now that I know how amazing it feels.

  - Sue

• February 25, 2012 1:04 p.m.

  Forgiveness has been difficult throughout my life. My so called brother sexually abused me when I was five years old and beyond and my so called father emotionally and physically abused me from the time I was 5-13. I took it upon my self to try and kill myself in order to get away from this abused. I spent several weeks in the hospital and then I returned back home to only be put back this situation. I'm 67 years of age and still live with the scars of abuse. I'm the youngest of 14 children and was the only one that had sustained this abuse making me believe I wasn't his son and to this day none of my siblings have anything to do with me. One thing that kept me going and forgiving is the love of Jesus Christ that lived within my life throughout this abuse. I've learned to forgive but well never forget. Keep me in yours prayers.

  - Jerry

• November 27, 2011 1:03 a.m.

  How can you forgive domestic violence against children receiving mental health problems after I for my part, avoid all contact with my ex-husband who has exposed our daughter and in addition, believes that he has right on his side and that there was a plea for help A man with such big psychological problem should probably be treated by health care and not by me Sorry yes I am bitter for our children's lost childhood and because I did not and could protect it against her father's father was and I deeply regret that I did not understand and saw that she was difficult because of him. And I can not bring myself to ask her to tillgi - but I recommend her to either confront him with the injustice he has done or prevent him One should not tolerate so much wealth allden injustice that affects everyone but themselves. Violence athlete should have to stand accountable for their actions and not be treated as if it was a shame and let them continue with the As long as there are dangers for igjentakelser is there too little purpose to meet it with love. When needed reprimands and ansvarsgjøring and consequences of what people do

  - INE

• April 13, 2011 8:01 p.m.

  I am so thankful I found these comments. I have been angry for so long with lifes circumstances that i have felt like it was never going to go away. I am starting to forgive myself and others. It is like a big load has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe. Good luck to everyone on their healing.

  - Carrie

• April 5, 2011 11:09 a.m.

  I am glad I found this site! I have been struggling with forgiving some co-workers for their actions that were directed to me. After I go over the pain and feeling of distrust, I wanted to find a way to get back at them. I realize now, that this makes no sense and I am spending my time in the wrong places. As I have asked often for forgiveness, I now find it's my turn to forgive those who wanted to disrespect me. I am gaining strength each day and my feeling of seeking revenge lessens. I have forgiven them

  - Donderon

• March 30, 2011 1:03 p.m.

  Forgiveness isn't really about the other person. It's about you, setting the prisoner free only to discover the prisoner was you. When you hang on to anger, hatred and resentment because of something someone did to you, you are the only one who is paying the price. You will bring poison into every area of your life as long as you hang on to all that bitterness and unforgiveness. Forgiving someone, as hard as it is to do, will allow you the freedom you need to release yourself from the emotional prison you have been placed into with this person by not being able to forgive. It is not about them, and whether they deserve to be forgiven, it's about you and being true and kind to yourself so you can move on.

  - Michelle

• February 25, 2011 5:32 a.m.

  Nice post, Dr. Creagan. It takes a very special person to find the courage to forgive another. When I was nine years old, I was given my last rite because they thought I was going to die. At a time where most humans would have someone around for comfort, I had no such luck. All I needed was someone to sit next to me and say:"I'm here for you." I called upon a middle-aged woman--a family friend and begged or her presence. Her answer was:"Leave me alone; I 'm not your mother." Amazingly, I defied Mr. Death. Well, that's another big story. However, years later, fate brought that same woman into my life under the most amazing circumstance. She was sick, homeless and lonely. I nursed her back to health and cared for her as if she were my own mother. I never once mentioned the past.

  - lili dauphin

• July 23, 2010 10:54 a.m.

  I am going through a difficult time in my life and I want to thank everyone for helping me. I especially want to than Alan whose words really made me look at things differently. I feel that I will soon be able to smile again.

  - Beverly

• May 25, 2010 9:26 a.m.

  I agree, as a Christian I know I have to forgive, but it seems SO hard to forgive an absive man who mentally and physically abused my daughter in front of her 9 year old son! I may someday be able to forgive, but I feel I NEVER want to see him again! On topofit, he is SUCH an opinionated man!

  - Abbies

• May 20, 2010 12:52 a.m.

  people think of it this way everybody has to forgive at one point in life,its the test of life everybody gets a turn,to learn from the experience is to forgive or you be in pain so ones you learn that be wise about who you choose to share your self with,not everybody has gone thru the test,its all a learning process to know your self is to know the other one love..so hurry up and learn dont you want to know what happeneds next. apply this info where it best fits

  - miguel

• May 8, 2010 12:42 p.m.

  I tend to be a giver. I give to much and when there is a disagreement, I end up expendable. It seems to me that people that are continually abrassive and than do something nice end up having better realationships and luck than I have had. Moving forward has been difficult. I always want validation that I know I'll never get. Any tips on forgiveness?

  - Dana

• April 23, 2010 11:43 a.m.

  I thought this was a very intriguing article. I have been working on meditating more to help cultivate forgiveness. I also have been doing yoga some and found a Yoga for Stress Relief that I find helpful. www.bodywisdomdvds.com

  - Julia

• April 10, 2010 3:30 p.m.

  On so many levels I disagree and find this article manipulative emotionally, psychologically and just plain shallow. Forgiveness is not ever to relieve others of blame or responsibility. Forgiveness actually heals those who have been hurt and impacted by whatever event has occurred. One can forgive forever the person or entity who has caused or somehow helped to create suffering, but that action does not create any change in others. It creates change in the one doing the forgiving. People who have been forgiven and want to be forgiven will find this life changing and an event that is meaningful, but forgiveness in and of itself does nothing to those who have caused harm. This article while expressing a noble ideal, loses it's credibility when it glorifies forgiveness as some healing component to happiness and well being for someone that may be at fault for another s pain. I found this article too shallow and emotionally button pushing. By the way I have been the forgiver of the person who raped me and murdered my friend, but that act of forgiveness has not impacted the person who did those acts. Letting go is not forgetting what happened, that act was so horrendous. Letting go was the act of "not being victimized" by what happened, but moving on with my life rather than staying stuck in that moment. Whether the doer repents or not is of no concern, I choose to move on and not be further victimized by an insane act. My act of forgiving didn't mean becoming an amnes

  - karen

• April 8, 2010 9:47 p.m.

  Jane, I agree that forgiveness is a form of letting go, and that the two are not necessarily the same. But to clarify the earlier comment, I view forgiveness as primarily different from reconciliation or forgetting, because the latter two are contingent on the assent of someone else whose choices are beyond control. But forgiveness is the free choice of its grantor to let go of resentment or chances for retribution. It is the act of allowing oneself the freedom to move forward that is the gift of forgiveness. If forgiveness were dependent upon the (all too rare) expressions of genuine contrition and repentance of an offending party, then opportunities for forgiveness would be proportionally limited, and it's hard to see the capacity to forgive constrained in that way. In sum, forgiveness is more than *merely* letting to--it's moving forward in freedom, without rancor, without regret, without contingency--and therein lies its power to mobilise one's life to the better in the present and going forward. This is just one individual's viewpoint.

  - Alan

• April 8, 2010 10:03 a.m.

  Perhaps there is a difference in "letting go" and "forgiveness." Letting go of an injustice is a decision to free ourselves from something in the past that harmed us. It is a decision to move on with our lives with greater freedom. Forgiveness is a response to honest repentance. Forgiveness involves at least an attempt at reconciliation and a healing of a relationship. If there is no repentance, perhaps the best we can do is "let go."

  - Jane

• April 7, 2010 4:06 p.m.

  Having been the target of a very stressful frivolous lawsuit several years ago (which was eventually dismissed), I have may have acquired a deeper sense of what it means to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, even if it is others whom you perceived to have wronged you. Under the circumstances, I had the opportunity to go back and sue those who wrongfully sued me--to seek redress, to give them a taste of what they had put me through. In the end, though, I simply didn't want to carry the burden, and let it go. Several thousand years ago, the Roman emperor/philosopher Marcus Aurelius recommended training our minds at reframing rather than blaming. He may have oversimplified a bit, but he might also have had a point. Certainly we should make *proper* use of the legal system where appropriate. Certainly, we should demand accountability where it is due. But one need not hold on to hurt or bitterness forever. Again, I see forgiveness not as something you give others, but rather something you give yourself, no matter the source of the injustice or the hurt--and being human, we all deserve it! As Charles Shultz, the creator of the Peanuts comic strip supposedly said, "There's no problem so big that you can't walk away from it." If walking away is a metaphor for forgiving, then I will agree!

  - Alan

• April 7, 2010 2:31 p.m.

  Yes, Martha, I can totally relate to what you have said and am in the same situation. I, too am compassionate, sensitive and have a soft heart. I, therefore, no longer see the person who has repeatedly hurt me - and I am much better for it (and my family!). Good luck!

  - Pippa

• April 7, 2010 10:40 a.m.

  My greatest challenge has been to forgive my daughter's husband for leaving her to die. He confessed after her death and left us all in utter confusion and anguish. Forgiveness comes so slowly, for I also believe in justice for my daughter. I look forward to that day when total forgiveness will bring us peace.

  - Joanne

• April 7, 2010 7:35 a.m.

  There is no denying the fact that forgiveness lightens the heart and mind. Being able to forgive someone calls for a lot of humility and a sense of surrender to what is. Wonder if forgiveness can be cultivated or is it inbuilt. If it can be cultivated, can it be genuine?

  - Vish

• April 7, 2010 7:01 a.m.

  Forgiving is not easy when you are hurting, and yet forgive we must. For a time when in a grief situation we look for someone to blame. I agree to forgive makes for a lighter feeling inside our being. When we give out negative thoughts (sometimes hate) it turns within and festers not allowing the healing process, when we can finally forgive (not forget) then the same process happens, we begin to heal. Look within and be truthful. We do not know each others journey in life. My Motto is "If I cannot solve or change anything, then I need to change. Unfortunatly we can not always change others. Go in Peace and Love friends.

  - Cher

• April 7, 2010 4:35 a.m.

  Agree but what do we do in the case of somebody who hurt us repeatedly not matter how much we try to comunicate or explain our feelings? My reaction after much trying to build a good relationship is to give up, if possible not seeing the person ever again, if not, I become colder and detached, which is not me. Is this not forgiving? is so what do I do?

  - Martha

• April 7, 2010 4:25 a.m.

  Forgiving someone will make you feel lighter.. To feel good about that person is really difficult but by forgiving and not thinking about him/her will definitely make you feel good.. Actually you are earning double rewards i.e. first suffering and then not taking revenge but forgiving.. The most satisfying gift for your sacrifice would be when the person would change or even feel sorry because of your forgiving him/her..

  - Basit

• April 6, 2010 9:13 p.m.

  To forgive is very difficult. But once you let go of the negative emotion, life suddenly becomes lighter and happier.

  - Gem

• April 6, 2010 4:47 p.m.

  Forgiveness I have heard the word a million times. But how many people can truly forgive someone? Its more then saying the word. I think the action of non resistance better describes what a person has to do. Because if you don't resist what ever happens to you at any moment then there is nothing to forgive. I feel a lot of people use the word forgiveness but in their hearts still hold resentment

  - David

• April 4, 2010 11:17 a.m.

  Say the "Our Father" prayer. Happy Easter to you! I totally love your blogs.

  - carol