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• June 30, 2011 3:14 a.m.

  i have read all the comments. they all have logic. the thing i can not let go it is not in my hands no matter how hard i try to think about something else in matter of seconds i find myself back to it. i believe in the power of forgiveness but it is not happening. it is my only sister whose life i dramatically and incredibly changed, i gave her and her family a life they could not even dream of besides many many good thing during 30 years and never asked any thing in return except do not hurt me. she acknowledges verbally and when it comes to action she and her two daughters seize every opportunity to hurt me. my wife tells i gave too much and too generously what made them this way. now no more giving, no more talking and for 6 months can not overcome thinking how to strike but without hurting them. help me please

  - mazen

• May 20, 2011 4:42 a.m.

  To forgive you need to acknowledge your own humanity, as well as the humanity of others. Accept that none of us are perfect, and allow that others are imperfect as well. We must also allow people to hold their own thoughts, opinions, and truths even though they may not be ours, and know that they are entitled to do so. To forgive others we need also to be able to forgive ourselves for our own imperfections, and to let go of our expectations on others behaviors, because they are not answerable to us, but to themselves.

  - No name given

• October 24, 2010 12:07 a.m.

  I am in a class on assertiveness. And blogging is an assignment we have been given. I think that asking forgiveness and offering forgiveness are assertive actions/behaviors. We often think of assertiveness as standing up for our rights without disrespecting the rights of others. Such is the case with forgiveness. To ask forgiveness is certainly assertive, and if done honestly and without blame does treat ourselves with respect as well as the other person and becomes a win-win situation. To graciously accept ones request for forgiveness is also assertive, while declining to forgive may or may not be, depending on whether it is done respectfully or not. Even if declined, it could be assertive. However, mutual requesting and giving of forgiveness is a beautiful assertive thing. Forgiveness frees us. It has been defined as giving up your right to hurt the other person back.

  - Ron

• July 4, 2010 1:59 p.m.

  I spent about 20 yrs hating and refusing to forgive my ex-husband--one day I just gave up--it was the absolutely best feeling I had ever had since our divorce and child custody battles so I never went back to hating him.

  - Ann

• July 1, 2010 9:04 p.m.

  It is really important to forgive at some point, for our sanity and well being. I personally have found that I can only forgive the unjustified actions of others by asking God to grant me the grace to forgive. Good luck on your journey. If your God doesn't help you like that, you can borrow my God!

  - Nancy

• June 30, 2010 2:00 p.m.

  Forgiveness is the business of the injured. Repentance is the business of the guilty. Reconciliation is the business of both - but not necessarily the outcome. To forgive is to release any power the harm has over the future - to let it go - to have healthy clean scars instead of open wounds that fester in time. Withholding forgiveness always leads to bitterness, smallness and sorrow. Forgiveness does not mean trust or reconciliation - it means letting go. And yes, some things are so horrific - so unjust - only the strength and power of the divine makes it possible to be whole again. I refuse to let the 'first' injustice be an excuse for the 'second' injustice by holding on to it and nursing its bitter fruit.

  - DENISE

• June 30, 2010 4:56 a.m.

  The fool says to himself, There is no God.

  - No name given

• June 28, 2010 8:14 a.m.

  I believe that people can turn to God for strength in trying to forgive another, and that forgiveness is meant to help the person injured, not the one doing the hurting. I also believe that it is not always possible to forgive someone for something really horrible. I think that sometimes you have to leave that to God, as well as leaving punishment to Him, since it is not always possible to obtain justice in this lifetime. I agree with you, Dr. Creagan, that it is much more difficult to forgive a person that has hurt someone you love and care about. I have had to watch my children and my in-laws deal with the death of my husband in a terrorist attack. I don't believe that I can ever forgive that, but I can try my best to move on and teach my children that they are entitled to have a happy life, while still remembering their wonderful and brave father.

  - Susan

• June 24, 2010 9:28 a.m.

  Forgiveness is a choice. You can choose a life free of punishment and judgment, and choose a life of compassion and well being. If you wish to have peace of mind, it is in your best interest to forgive. It has everything to do with a very simple question “do you want to be happy or you want to be right?” It is easier to forgive if you separate the person from the action. In doing so you gain two things, first, you remind yourself of our nature which is certainly divine, and secondly you reaffirm and replenish your own reservoir of self-love. Imagine how light and free your heart will feel if you could easily forgive and banish bitterness and resentment from your life.

  - Avinoam

• June 23, 2010 6:09 p.m.

  If you believe the Bible is God's word and He is Almighty, then it does a person well to read it. When I read it looking for answers on how to deal with a hurtful person, I usually only find advice for myself, not how to deal with others that are hurtful. Without God helping you to cope, you will take revenge or else never forgive the person but God has forgiven all of us in spite of our misdeeds and wants us to do the same. If the person does not want your forgiveness, then there is nothing you can do but be ready to accept them when they do. Set a good example for a hurtful person, and keep praying for them. Satin has a hold on nasty people so pray that those people see the light and repent. If you do not, you may become bitter and then Satin has you too. Outsmart the devil. Only God knows what is in their heart and why they are this way. If the person is truly evil, God will repay them, we should not (except for civil law which God says to obey). "Be kind to your enemies" "Do good to those who dispitefully use you" are some advice from the Bible. Jesus came to earth to save us all and was killed by ungodly people. But if we perserve in doing the right thing, we will be rewarded as He was and the hurtful person, if they know the difference and do not repent, will not be forgiven. So I say to trust God and look at the big picture. I have been dealing with a situation of this type and it has been very hard, but God can help you to get through

  - wendy

• June 23, 2010 2:50 a.m.

  As a P.S. to my first comment, quoting Dr. Creagan. "I've heard individuals far brighter than I am say...", who is judging they are "brighter" and why does this give them any kind of moral authority? This seems so arbitrary and subjective. Also "...say that forgiveness is not possible without a power and grace over and above ourselves." How do they know and how can this be proved? Again very subjective and arbitrary. It's like invoking a dogma from a pope or church leader, or a guru. And "...simply turn the other cheek". Again, the passage of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount is not very clear. Literally, it does not preach forgiveness, but on the contrary invitation to further offense and attack. It can be, and has been, construed as preaching renouncing self-defense and use of violence for legitimate self-defense. On another hand, this could have been a figurative image to make a point in the flow of the thought, as preachers are wont to do, and not to be taken literally as a dogman inscribed in stone. So the invocation to a "higher power" to motivate forgiveness is pretty tenuous. To come back to the real world of offense and forgiveness, the current interreaction between General McChrystal and President Obama is an interesting case in point.

  - No name given

• June 23, 2010 1:33 a.m.

  I am pretty sure that God and religion have nothing to do with forgiveness. Society has a huge system of justice, without which interpersonal relations of hundreds or thousands or millions of people would be impossible. Forgiveness is not always warranted. It is a matter of assessing the importance of hurts and grievances. Retribution and damages have their place. For minor offenses, forgiveness becomes a matter of personal stress management. There's an excellent article on it in the same issue of the Housecall newsletter about reducing the clutter in our minds. Invoking God or God's help or God's intervention is a kind of abdication of behavior management and is useless in effective management of personal interrelations. Stress management, as recommended by the Mayo Clinic is a more realistic way of assessing the value of forgiveness. There are hurts and offenses that should not be forgiven. Where to draw the line is a matter of personal appreciation and this is the real business of managing one's life. This is why philosophy, morals, ethics have a meaning and a value. Forgiveness is a special option for special situations. Calling in the divine for rescue in our difficult personal judgments is an abdication of the moral and social duty of being present and active in our lives. We and our social environment are the ones to establish the scale of our values and decide where forgiveness is appropriate.

  - Roo

• June 22, 2010 11:18 p.m.

  the hardest thing to forgive is when I am mistreated and I don't even know why. When I've done everything to get along with someone and then they are rude and ugly to me I have trouble letting it go. the only solution I can see is counseling which I am going to do in a couple of days.

  - lillie

• June 22, 2010 9:27 p.m.

  Forgiveness is an unnatural act for me. With God's help I can forgive and have forgiven.

  - Paul

• June 22, 2010 8:17 p.m.

  "Seek first to understand, then be understood" is one of the maxims I try to live by. Using that practice sometimes helps to explain why another thinks as they do, behaves such and/or says something inappropriate or hurtful. The explanation is only my perception. But that can open my heart to forgiveness, which is a gift I give myself. The forgetting and moving on part is more challenging. Maybe it is important to remember as a means of self protection. I also need to examine my own thinking, behavior and voice. Ultimately I find peace when I turn the entire experience over to God. Thy will be done.

  - Diann

• June 22, 2010 4:26 p.m.

  You can try to forgive, but not ALL things are forgiveable and even while you are trying to forgive, you will never forget when someone hurts you. Once a person does something to hurt you, you start evaluating if it was an accident, a mistake or just not knowing what they are doing. If that questionable action is repeated, you may still have your doubts, but once you come to realize, by repetition and no remorse on their part that the hurtful action is deliberate, your ability to trust that person is lost! Once they lose your trust, their actions create a bitterness that you can try to forgive and forget, but with very little success, because a deliberately cruel and hurtful action against a person is not something to be taken lightly,...it is a wake-up call to you that you should NOT be seeking this person out as a friend or a relative, etc. You know the saying,..."Fool me once, shame on you,...fool me twice and it's shame on me!"! As Christian as you want to be about 'turning the other cheek', forgiving and forgetting a hurtful action that you know is based on incorrect info and repeated time and again, such charity of the soul does wear thin until finally, you disgard that connection and replace that disappointing person with someone you CAN trust. Forgetting, forgiving doesn't mean you have to be a doormat to a cruel and uphappy person who doesn't want to be helped, not does it mean that you, personally, have to save the world. At some point, only God can

  - Rhonnda

• June 22, 2010 2:36 p.m.

  "Forgive us our trespasses as we for give others". Powerful statement. Forgiveness is God's way of teaching us to be like him. God-like, is cleansing, healing, divine, beautiful and illumanating. This is a daily task for me forgiveness. Sure some do not deserve it but you are not doing it for them but for yourself. Forgiveness disarms the person that is being persecuted. Forgiveness can save your life by de-stressing your body/heart. This is the hardest virtue for me but each day I forgive that person that wants to hurt or harm me. I let them carry the burden of hate. I know the weight so each day I strive to lighten my load and leave it at God's feet, so I may move on with my life. It does not mean I am a stepping stone or a whipping girl. I forgave you but I did not forget. So, I am reminded of your weapon and I forgive your again. 7 times 7= assention. Forgiveness a powerful lesson.

  - Rhoda

• June 22, 2010 2:25 p.m.

  Having had to work through this issue of forgiveness recently, the subject is fresh on my mind. A few conclusions, Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself ... I believe it does take a God given grace to truly forgive. The basis of forgiveness means, I see the offender, in spite of whatever they have done as "no better than myself" and will act like it because I believe it. To realize in my humanity that I am capable of doing the same thing, but have chosen not to. Forgiveness doesn't mean the offense didn't happen or what was done doesn't have consequenses. Now reconciliation, is different very different from forgiveness. Reconciliation requires a repentant heart of the offender, and the desire on his part to make amends, and a willingness on the offended to accept his repentance as payment for the offense...

  - John

• June 22, 2010 1:48 p.m.

  I think that we can forgive another person for their actions; however, we must never condone such an action. I believe strongly that a person who deliberately hurts another person, in this case a co-worker, may need a psychiatric evaluation. Finally, if it is deemed appropriate, this individual must be held accountable via the justice system for his/her actions. The process ahead of you, Dr. Creagan, is a complex one as other factors come into play as you try to deal with an incident such as this. Finally, you and your colleagues seem to work in a very stressful environment. Perhaps all of you should look at the corporate environment in which you work in order to understand if this contributed to the confrontation. If this is the case, then a postive change in your working environment may be beneficial to everyone. Understanding what caused the incident may lead you to forgive the perpetrator.

  - Barbara

• June 21, 2010 1:52 p.m.

  One lesson I taught 10th grade religion was about forgiveness. They had to reflect upon a time they wronged someone and asked forgiveness, how hard that was but how important for them to move on. Then I have them think of someone who has wronged them and how they would love to get back and them and even the score. I let them know that not only do we need to seek forgiveness - we must also be able to truly and completely forgive others that have wronged us. It is not an easy task - one that takes much effort. But just as we want to be forgiven, so too, must we forgive.

  - Debbie

• June 19, 2010 9:38 p.m.

  What should one do when all hell breaks loose? Seek the wisdom of our elders. Although, my grandparents are gone, they signed inside covers of books they had given to my mother. I'll share this one in her "Common Prayer Hymnal", age old wisdom from above no doubt: Be not overcome of evil but overcome evil with good. Father and Mother May 7, 1941

  - Carol

• June 19, 2010 2:13 p.m.

  Indeed, our abilities to totally forgive, forget, and wipe out a wrong done to us comes from a power completely outside of us. For me, the Christian tradition enables me to compare the very great wrongs that I, myself, have done. Traditional hymnody is filled to overflowing with the teaching and comfort that my wrongs are completely washed away for forgotten. Considering the gravity of my own wrong doings, it is so simple to apply the very same forgiveness and forgetfulness to those whom I perceive have wronged me. I don't know fully what other "faiths" hold, but all spirituality contains the elements of health and well-being that follow forgiving a wrong. To me, forgiving one who has wronged me, just lightens the baggage I carry and enables me to step lively and care for the real matters that make up my life now.

  - Dick