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• Living with cancer

• March 17, 2012 10:22 a.m.

  I am a colorectal survivor in my 2nd year of remission. Lately I have been more emotional, uncertain and scared of whats next; couldn't put my finger on it. Too busy to see it. In the past 2 weeks, 2 members of my family have passed with cancer. I had been the model nurse, caring family member, focusing on their wellness/ unwellness and supporting loved ones during the past year since they were diagnosed but now that that role is over... WHAM I am so scared. Is this going to be me?,Is this what is going to happen regardless of all the work and energy I have put toward healing?, have I really beaten it? , maybe I don't have it beaten?. and the big one why me and not them? WHAM.

  - J

• March 17, 2012 10:21 a.m.

  I am a colorectal survivor in my 2nd year of remission. Lately I have been more emotional, uncertain and scared of whats next; couldn't put my finger on it. Too busy to see it. In the past 2 weeks, 2 members of my family have passed with cancer. I had been the model nurse, caring family member, focusing on their wellness/ unwellness and supporting loved ones during the past year since they were diagnosed but now that that role is over... WHAM I am so scared. Is this going to be me?,Is this what is going to happen regardless of all the work and energy I have put toward healing?, have I really beaten it? , maybe I don't have it beaten?. and the big one why me and not them? WHAM.

  - Jacqueline

• January 1, 2012 1:23 p.m.

  Thanks for all those postings- I never read about anyone else with cancer experiencing this feeling! I knew survivor`s guilt really badly (which led to a serious depression) after the suicide of my mom and to a lesser extent after my two bouts of a rare kind of leukaemia (luckily, I didn`t suffer much and I`m totally fine now but I wouldn`t have survived without medicine and modern hospital technology, hygiene etc.) I`m really happy and grateful to be alive and I try to help other cancer patients but it`s always hard to tell whether I do it out of a sense of gratitude, moral obligation, inner necessity or guilt. Anyway. What has helped me a lot, strangely enough, was the encounter with the son of a Holocaust survivor who had a similar, if stronger, feeling "it`s so improbable to be alive". (I`m NOT comparing surviving cancer to surviving the Holocaust because luckily I didn`t lose my faith in humanity and no one tried to kill me- it was just very good to meet someone who had similiar feelings.) As a good friend of mine said: "You don`t have to understand everything", there are things I don`t understand but it`s good to feel understood. I`m looking forward to 2012 and to life!

  - Eva

• November 30, 2011 8:06 p.m.

  lol---I need to make a correction to my blog last night! I had Hodgkins lymphoma not non-hodgkins. I must have been having a chemo brain moment. Gotta laugh!

  - angela

• November 29, 2011 10:08 p.m.

  I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma stage 2A in May 2006. After 4 rounds of chemotherapy and just before starting my 20 radiation treatments my father was diagnosed with double lung cancer. He was only 66 and I was 43. We were treated by the same great doctors and even went to lunch with my mom after radiation some days. My father developed pneumonia during his second round of chemotherapy and died the following January after only 6 months. While my father lay dying in ICU a well-meaning family friend commented that it would be just like my dad to have made a deal with God-"his life for mine"! I was very close to my dad and believe that was very possible. The guilt of that is at times impossible to bear though my mother and husband have assured me that God does not make deals. I feel very blessed to be alive and healthy almost 6 years later but also wonder why did I live and others do not. I have to believe that God is not ready for me but look forward to seeing my father again one day. Until then I try to appreciate all that I do have and try to encourage others both patients and their families with my experiences. I teasingly say that I have been given a "two minute warning" and will not put off today what I might like to do tomorrow! May God bless you all and thank you for listening.

  - Angela

• November 16, 2011 7:47 a.m.

  I was first diagnosed with Non Hodgkins follicular Lymphoma in 2005 and had chemotherapy first time round, it has returned 3 times and the 2nd time the chemo had a very very bad effect on me and I was lucky to be alive. I have recently had more chemo and a stem cell transplant. I have been bald and debilitated 3 times and my body has been through so many changes, but I managed to cope and be independant very well for the past 6 years. But now there is a change, yes!, I feel incredibly guilty and sad as my best friend , who had cancer at the same time, died when hers returned, My Uncle was in the next ward to me and did not survive, and I also lost 3 cousins, my brother in law and one of my clients. It has become quite overwhelming.And I was loath to go to anymore funerals. On my last treatment I was in hospital 12 weeks, and since my return home I have felt alien and detatched,and especially guilty that I am still here when they are not, but also guilty about my frame of mind when I should be ecstatic at having survived all the treatments when they did not.It has had a profound psychological effect as well as physical, the feeling of 'why I am I still here'when they were such wonderful people with families too.

  - Rosemary

• October 28, 2011 2:36 p.m.

  I am a Uterine Cancer survivor and was caught early and no chemo was needed but must have follow ups every 3 months for the next 2 yeas At the time of my diagnosis my sister was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and required chemo and radiation plus a double masectomy. I feel so guilty that I had it so easy plus she seems angry with me because of what happened to her and I just fell awful. If I could change places with her I would do it in a heart beat. At thiss time she is done with treatments and so far doing well but her feelings towards me have changed

  - Deborah

• October 27, 2011 9:20 a.m.

  I am a breast cancer survival person and thank God everyday for giving my the chance to live. This second innings of mine helped me not to take life for granted but to live life each minute, each day with a purpose. It has changed my perception towards life, death, God in a strange sort of a way. I would feel anxious to hear about people who could not survive for long due to various reasons. But I would console myself by focusing on the positive aspects. If I am being given a second chance then probably God wants me to serve some purpose. I take this opportunity to educate people to go in for mammography once an year or do some self examination of their breasts once a month. It has now become easy for me to talk about my illness and how I have coped with it. I reassure patients that their anxieties, fear, worries are real and they are something which even I have gone through. But one should never give up and take this illness as a challenge. Winning or losing is not everything but the manner in which we play the game is important. It applies to our life too and it is the way I came out of my illness as a positive and a better person.

  - Shyamala

• October 23, 2011 10:32 p.m.

  I have a friend I met after we were both diagnosed with breast cancer. She is in the same profession as I and her daughter goes to the same school as my sons. I am 3-1/2 years out and she will hit the five year mark in December. She just recently found out the cancer is in her liver. When I saw her recently she was wearing her head scarf again and walking with a cane. It devastates me. I took for granted my health and I feel ashamed that I haven't appreciated my recovery. I am horrified that she may soon die. She is one of the strongest women I know and has a beautiful little girl who will need her. I hate that anyone has to die because of this horrible disease.

  - Sharon

• September 19, 2011 10:49 a.m.

  My friend and I were diagnosed with ovarian cancer within 3 months of each other. She was staged at 3B, me at 3C. The circumstances surrounding our diagnoses were very different and we were treated at different facilities. She passed away 6 months ago and I am a 1.5 year survivor. I live with guilt everyday as I see her family and friends on a regular basis and I see the pain they are in. I wish I could take that away.

  - Janelle

• August 29, 2011 9:26 a.m.

  My Skin Cancer was discovered and removed and I was cancer free in less then 4 weeks. I can not understand why My cancer is gone so easily. Sure it was found very early, but why mine and not someone else?

  - Kathy

• August 18, 2011 12:59 p.m.

  I'm in the UK and have been searching the internet about loneliness after cancer and guilt as a survivor. I have had a mastectomy following Invasive Lobular Cancer. I didn't need radiation treatment or chemotherapy. I will have hormone tablet treatment for about 5 years when they find a tablet that doesn't give horrendous side effects. My problem is I feel terribly guilty as I know so many women going through chemo, with terrible results after their tests etc, etc. I can't shake the guilt I feel for not having to go through this. Why???? Why did I get such good results when my friend has to go through radiation, chemo and there are no further tablet treatments to help her?? Then I feel so lonely about all of this. I talk to friends, my family and they all think I should be happy I've got good results, which I am. They just cannot see the reason for feeling guilty or lonely? Will it ever stop?

  - Mags

• July 22, 2011 8:31 p.m.

  I try to explaine this overwhelming feeling of guilt and fear to my husband and friends and they look at me and make me feel like I'm crazy,I should be all happy that I'm a surviver and not get myself down about other people. I am so glad to see on here that I'm not alone and smebody out there understands how I feel! Thank you!!

  - Deb

• July 7, 2011 4:56 p.m.

  This has been a source of huge guilt for me. I lost a friend to breast cancer - we were both diagnosed at the same time, same Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma, both BRCA-2 positive AND oddly enough, both Triple Negative. She had a violent reaction to her first round of chemo and ended up with a staph infection that ultimately took her life. I made it through chemo fine. Another friend that I work on the same team with just lost his sister 2-weeks ago to her 3rd bout of breast cancer. It's hard...

  - Georgia

• May 13, 2011 6:06 p.m.

  That?s more than sensbile! That?s a great post!

  - Luck

• April 7, 2011 3:43 p.m.

  As a kidney cancer survivor, I'm constanly remined that others found out about their cancer so late that they died.I try to live life to the fullest now. I travel the world more now because I live with the fear I may die young. I want to do everything and I try to enjoy each day.

  - Douglas

• March 14, 2011 1:14 p.m.

  Most of the comments here were written by women. Is survivor guilt more prevalent among women cancer survivors? I'm searching for help for my wife who feels, "Why them and not me?"

  - Charles

• February 13, 2011 12:17 a.m.

  one of my coworkers died from lymphoma, two months after i received a good post-chemo scan. at the wake, another coworker said (along these lines) "amazing that you would get something like chris had". i burst out crying and have barely stopped since - that was 3 months ago. it seems like most with cancer identify their partner or kids as reasons for living. i don't have these things. what's the point in living? why bother if i can just get cancer or something else again? for a bucket list?

  - sam

• February 5, 2011 12:02 p.m.

  I am a 13 year ovarian cancer survivor. I thought I was the only one that had this guilt of survivorship. I often find myself asking the questions, Why did I survive and is it because I am suppose to do something on this earth? The only answers I can come up with is early detection and maybe I am suppose to support and inspire others who have gotten a cancer diagnosis. Even after 13 years, I'm trying to figure it out and cope. Maybe we are living cancer angels for others....

  - Kathy

• January 20, 2011 12:26 p.m.

  I too have the guilt. My mothers baby brother was diagnosed with throat cancer in nov 08. I was diagnosed with lynphoma large b cell in march of 09. My mother was diagnosed with plasma cell luekemia in june of 09. My uncle died after 10 months and my mom after 6 months. I am so far in remission. The chemotherapy damaged my body and I am no longer able to work as a nurse. I seem to be stuck with the questions of why me as a survivior and to lose so much so fast. I was very close to my uncle and he often only wanted my mom and I as we were going through same thing. The multiple grief has been hard and my faith has waned a lot. I hope there are those who can help.

  - pam

• December 9, 2010 9:31 a.m.

  Had an aunt die of colon cancer that had metastisized from the colon to brain to liver. I was diagnosed with early stage colon cancer 2 months later at the age of 51 in 2009. I had colon resection surgery done along with the ovaries and appendix taken out. I am a survivor. Since another aunt (sister to one that died) was found with a cancerous mass on her colon with chemo/radiation treatment. She is recovering. In Feb. 2010 my son was engaged. His mother-in-law had been diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. In the beginning of 2010 it came back in her lung, then brain, then by August it was found in her spine/lymph nodes. All along having chemo/radiation treatments. This woman endured it all with God's help while planning for her daughters wedding. She could not make it to the rehearsal dinner but did make it to the wedding although in a wheelchair for some of the reception. One month later we were attending her funeral. The emotions were very hard. It was God that got us all through. In the end, God is the determining factor of when we live and when we die. Our trust in Him helps us through our emotional roller coaster. It doesn't mean that the feelings are not there but He helps us through them. Thank you for all the comments. They are a help and comfort, too :-)

  - BJ

• October 12, 2010 1:40 p.m.

  When I hear of someone who didn't survive, for me it is not only guilt, but the feeling that I'll be the next one to die. I know that this is the wrong attitude, but I guess that thinking positively is my greatest challenge--one that I work on day to day--even though I'm really bad at it.

  - Mary

• October 11, 2010 8:52 p.m.

  I manage HR in a large company, and over the last 10 months, have watched 3 employees die of cancer. I am 2 yrs post-breast cancer, and it's really hard to watch others die when I didn't. I shut off the feelings and try to be professional, but it eats at me in the middle of the night. I know it can come back at any time, but I am going to my appointments and taking my meds and doing what I need to do to stay as healthy as I can. God's got a plan for me, and I just need to smile and say thanks, God. But it's hard sometimes.

  - Jennifer

• September 21, 2010 3:20 a.m.

  I too am a survivor, and reading these comments has helped me to understand or label what it is I feel at times, when I hear of people (even people I don't know) who have not made it through. I couldn't understand it really, not that I do now either-I just don't feel so alone or irrational.

  - Sarina

• August 31, 2010 8:06 a.m.

  I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2006 when I was 52 and then again, with a different strain, in 2009. The initial tumor started in my neck. I remember hearing about a young lady in her 20's with a tremendous support system where thousands and thousands of people were praying for her. I couldn't understand why I was declared "No Evidence of Disease" and she died. After all, I had already birthed 5 babies and they were all nearly grown. She had been newly married and didn't have any children. In her short life, she had influenced many people. I can't remember how long the "guilt" lasted but I don't feel that way now. I now know I have a story to tell to help others, to give hope, and to let others know that cancer does not have to be a death sentence. So I wrote a book called No Evidence of Disease and I speak to groups and encourage others. I had to put the guilt aside and see my own purpose.

  - Susan