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  • With Mayo Clinic health education outreach coordinator

    Angela Lunde

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  • Alzheimer's blog

  • Dec. 14, 2010

    They'll never forget how you make them feel

    By Angela Lunde

38 comments posted

Alzheimer's Caregiving

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Recently, Amy wrote that she cares for her father who has Alzheimer's. Although Amy's mother has passed away, Amy's father doesn't understand why his wife isn't around. He continually asks, "Have you seen mom?" Amy shared that she has to tell him every time that she's gone. "For my Dad it's like he's losing her over and over," Amy wrote.

Although Amy's father may not be cognitively aware of the loss, he does sense that something isn't right. Yet, as Amy points out, telling him each time that his wife has died is like hearing it for the first time for her father. Consequently, he feels profound sadness, probably confusion, or even anger, over and over again.

If Amy's father was able to retain the information that his wife had died, then of course he would need to be told. However, when we accept that Alzheimer's is a disease of profound memory loss, we can come to appreciate that repeating information that only elicits painful emotions may be unnecessary.

Although I completely understand Amy's desire to talk honestly with her father, I'm an advocate for validating the feelings of loss in a person with Alzheimer's without instigating further pain or grief.

An alternative way of responding in Amy's situation could be something like this: "Dad, I can tell you are worried." This statement validates his emotions. "Mom has been a wonderful wife and mom! Dad, I remember the time mom (insert a good memory, funny story ...)."

These words begin to shift the emotion from feeling worried to feeling understood, thus shifting her father's attention to happier times. Amy and her father may now be able to engage in an enjoyable conversation about the past.

An interesting study on emotions in persons with memory loss was conducted at the University of Iowa and published earlier this year in "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences."

Individuals with memory loss watched clips of both happy and sad movies. Although the participants couldn't recall even one detail about what they had watched, they each retained the emotions elicited by the clips.

Happy movies left lingering happy emotions in the persons with memory loss and sad movies left them feeling sad long after the movie was over.

During the holidays, you might wonder if it really matters whether you visit someone with Alzheimer's since the person will forget you were there. This study underscores that while the visit may be forgotten almost immediately, the emotions created by the visit may stay behind long after you've left.

Amy, may you and your father find comfort and pleasure in your times together.

"They may forget what you said, they may forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

38 comments posted

blog index

  • October 11, 2011 5:10 p.m.

    can anyone tell me please does alzheims desease run in families, if not what causes it. any answers would be much appracted. thankyou

    - susan

  • May 16, 2011 5:26 p.m.

    I have been taking care of a 94 yr. old gentlemen for just a little more than a month. It was just after he lost his second wife. I am told that he started to forget things about a year ago. My caregiving relationship with him has been a pleasure. We laugh a lot and kid around. Just the other day he got upset with me; he said He loved me and wanted to marry me. Before this day, he has known I am married and he has met my husband several times. He said this day that he didn't know I was married, that he thought my husband was a friend or a lover. He was heartbroken and started to cry. I don't know what to do! Will this pass? Will he forget he has said this to me? If so , when?

    - Cathy

  • April 20, 2011 9:07 p.m.

    Help- my mother in law lives alone- she has meals on wheels and other house hold assistance . Her family are burning out delivering pills, staying over night etc. Mom will not consider leaving her home. We have toured long term care homes but because of the disease there is no reasoning with her. How do you deal with getting her to agree to go or do we have nothing to look forward to but taking her out kicking and screaming?

    - Linda

  • February 11, 2011 2:03 p.m.

    My mother just turned 68 and has vascular dementia. She lives in a care center and requires 24 hour care, as she is also unable to walk. I totally agree with this messag youe....a lot of the time when I do more validating than correcting, like "oh, I understand how you feel" and "That must be difficult" and then try to get mom thinking about more positive topics, she responds much better. Sometimes it is so hard to do that though, but I just try to meet her where she is at that moment. I remember hearing the term "theraputic fibbing" in my dementia support group...it's ok to go along with the false realities...even healthy...because really all that matters ultimately is the love that they feel! God bless you all!

    - Mary

  • February 7, 2011 12:53 p.m.

    My mom, age 97, I think has dementia due to the memory loss of daily activities. However, she can talk and talk about the past. She has had frequent URI's and on antibiotics so could this increase the memory loss. She asks about her mother and father and brother and where are they. Are we to explain that they are no longer here or ignore or validate or redirect the conversation. After we explain, she says oh for heaven's sake or I didn't know that. This is new to us and I am not sure how to deal with it. Thanks.

    - Donna

  • January 29, 2011 9:29 a.m.

    My mom, age 96, has dementia and is blind and has hearing loss. I try to take good care of her 24/7. I do have caregivers come in two to three times a week for several hours so I can get out, and someone comes to give her showers twice a week to give me a break. But her quality of life is so bad. She can't even watch TV. She can't see or hear well enough to even hear the TV to enjoy it. She sits long hours and we talk. She fell last week and she walks with a walker, but I have to lead her around so she doesn't bump into things. She weighs about 96 pounds and eating is not her favorite thing to do, either. It is so sad. She is very confused and sometimes does not know it is I who is taking care of her.

    - Gloria

  • January 11, 2011 9:17 p.m.

    Just found out today that my mom has alzheimers. I'm scared and really sad.

    - Brenda

  • January 10, 2011 8:43 p.m.

    My mother just passed away jan.3 she had dementia along with congestive heart & diabetes. My 87 yr old dad keeps asking when the services are going to be held. I don't know what hurts the most , the feeling of of loosing my mother or having to repeat to my dad that she is gone. since reading this article and comments from different people I feel not alone.

    - ophelia

  • January 4, 2011 7:06 p.m.

    Very impressive how this patients can be marked by the emotions and keep for long time but to the same time they can forget, of ours presence, words, we made, thanks for to share it....

    - jose

  • January 2, 2011 9:15 p.m.

    my mom has alzheimers too, while reading the comments of everyone i was crying because i can understand how everyone feels, but i feel helpless sometimes because i don't know what to do with mom and i spend 3 to four hours with her and i am so stress out every time, i wish someone could find a cure.

    - ging

  • December 30, 2010 10:52 p.m.

    What a great way to temper the moment and add a positive thought. I agree that telling someone over and over again about a tragic event is not a good solution. It's a tough call, but I vote for dodging the question in this case.

    - Allison

  • December 30, 2010 5:16 p.m.

    This suggestion really helps, however, I am not sure how to apply to my dad's situation. He sometimes will tell us how he lost money, and then engage the whole family for the search. Then my brother, who's the prime caregiver will shout at him, to 'stop' him. He explained this is the only way to make dad understand how untrue his 'fantasies' of losing money is. Although I disagree with this method, I don't know how to 'validate' his feeling of insecurity but at the same time give him an answer of where the money or anything else is misplaced.

    - Teresa

  • December 27, 2010 4:43 p.m.

    Thank you Maya that really hit home. My mom soon to be 92 is in her last stages of Alzheimers. When we start parenting our parents it becomes extremely difficult. Mom always wants to go home even though she is at her only home. Talking to those whom have passed on before us. And always seeing children or holding children that are not there. Asking for Daddy who died 28 years ago. And calls for her mama every night when she wakes up it has been as many as 12 times this just breaks my heart and i answer as tho im her. Sometimes i look deep in moms eyes and i know she is in there somewhere. I am usually her sister in the day time and mama at night. And the primary cargiver. We had a great Christmas and ask mom to bless the food at lunch time. Mom said the blessing and we were all in aww. That itself was a gift from God and we were so thankfull. I just wanted to share some of my experiences with you. I have learnt everyday is a new day and a new experience. I could not make this journey without Christ.

    - Rita

  • December 20, 2010 10:00 p.m.

    This hit home. I'm employed at an assisted living long term facility in Canton Ohio, in the [special care] dementia unit. There is a father here. And his daughter is named Amy. Just as in Amy's story. Then, at first I thought he was the father I care for. This moved me to inform you how much the MayoClinic.com web site is educating me. Reading your articles, comments, and sugestions to caregivers, is invaluable to me in communicating with familys. While providing me with the tools needed to offer the correct communication with these people living in a moment in their pasts. MY hat goes off to you Angela, and your dedicated staff. P.S. Thank you for your letter, Amy

    - David

  • December 18, 2010 10:39 a.m.

    Yes, Mary, get him to a doctor and hope that the doctor says he should stop driving. My husband did when the doctor mentioned having and accident and killing someone---this was enough to stop his driving immediately. I sometimes wonder how many people with dementia are out on the roads driving---they can be more dangerous than drunk drivers at times.

    - Alice

  • December 17, 2010 3:14 p.m.

    Mary, You must get him to a Dr. right away there are medication that can help him.

    - Jack

  • December 17, 2010 1:00 p.m.

    My husband started by ignoring me. Then became verbal ly abusive. He gets confused driving. And doctor has diagosed him. I think that he has been able to fool everyone. He is abusive at night and forgets his behavior. What can I do?

    - Mary

  • December 17, 2010 9:18 a.m.

    Thanks Angela...you're an angel who helps those dealing with tough situations. I was happy to see your suggestions regarding my dad asking for mom and will certainly try these instead of reminding him that mom is gone. It does make him sad...they were married over 50 years. She was all he ever knew. Hopefully these suggestions will end the sadness of her loss for him. I love the quote by Maya Angelou. I know my dad will never forget how I made him feel.

    - Amy

  • December 17, 2010 8:45 a.m.

    It has been said how well I take care of my wife but I have no help. I'm tied down to the house except to run to the grocery or drug store. I have one daughter who teachies school and does not have much time, no other family left, my wife has three sister's and all of them have dementia to some degree.

    - Jack

  • December 16, 2010 8:07 p.m.

    Amen, Marilyn :)

    - Lorinda

  • December 16, 2010 4:01 p.m.

    sometimes I just feel so badly especiallly when I lose my patience. It's so hearing the same questions over and over and over again. I just don't know what to do because it's not my mom any more -- it's her body but someone I don't even know.

    - ann

  • December 16, 2010 2:54 p.m.

    We recently moved my wife into an Alzheimers facility near to her son but too far for me to visit. She is very upset with me for not moving with her, although her memory and understanding have long since gone. Can I apply the theme of this report to divert her attention from the constant repetition of showing anger with me at every opportunity when her son visits her? 5ukJRF

    - ALLEN

  • December 16, 2010 2:43 p.m.

    barbara, maybe your husband is remembering his childhood home. sometimes all it takes is walking from one room to another and back to his chair to get them to think they are "home", or just walking around the outside of the house. May God provide you with what you need

    - Marilyn

  • December 16, 2010 2:34 p.m.

    The only rule that we had with our mother was that nothing but good things would go into her. We never told her when someone died, became ill, divorced, was injured, etc. We did not cry or become angry when we were with her. We shared happy stories over and over again. We sang her favorite hymns and songs. We laughed even when there was nothing about which to laugh. Calm voices and soothing massages and hand holdings were offered when we observed that she was upset. We validated her feelings and moved on to happy times. Yes, there were times we wanted to SCREAM; but, never at her - only the disease. We never expected her to "perform" for us. We never expected her to remember our names or any other details. A friend once said that when someone has a broken leg we don't expect them to jump; why do we expect someone with a broken brain to function as usual. Our parents taught us, with God's help, to get through the tough times TOGETHER even if we did not like the circumstances. Hold onto that peace.

    - Marilyn

  • December 16, 2010 2:14 p.m.

    Your article was just what I needed to see today! The quote by Maya Angelou is perfect and I will share it with my brothers. My dad asks about my deceased mother much of the time and we have learned to just say she's not here right now. That satisfies him for the time which is all he needs - until the next time! I have always believed that honesty is the best policy but in the case of dementia I think that whatever keeps my dad happy is the important thing and that is our priority now.

    - Kathie

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