- With Mayo Clinic health education outreach coordinator
Angela Lunde
read biographyclose windowBiography of
Angela Lunde
Angela Lunde is a dementia education specialist in the education core of Mayo Clinic's Alzheimer's Disease Research Center at the Abigail Van Buren Alzheimer's Disease Research Clinic in Rochester, Minn.
Angela Lunde
The transfer of information about dementias, as well as understanding the need for participation in clinical trials, is an essential component of the education core.
Angela is a member of the Alzheimer's Association board of directors and co-chair of the annual Minnesota Dementia Conference. She is a member of the Dementia Behavior Assessment and Response Team (D-BART), a multidisciplinary outreach service assisting professional and family caregivers in understanding and managing difficult behaviors often present in dementia. She facilitates several support groups, including Memory Club, an early-stage education and support series, and more recently, helped to develop and now deliver Healthy Action to Benefit Independence and Thinking (HABIT), a 10-day cognitive rehab and wellness program for people with mild cognitive impairment.
Angela takes a personal interest in understanding the complex changes that take place within relationships and among families when dementia is present. She is particularly interested in providing innovative and accessible ways for people with dementia and their families to receive information and participate in valuable programs that promote well-being.
"Amid a devastating disease, there are tools, therapies, programs and ways to cope, and it is vital that families are connected to these resources," she says.
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Alzheimer's blog
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March 8, 2011
Caregivers' best gift is to accept reality of dementia
By Angela Lunde
Ann passed away last week. She was a vibrant woman who I had become very fond of. I first met Ann about four years ago when she and her husband, Wayne, joined Memory Club. Memory Club is a support and education program for persons in the early stages of dementia and their support partner. Ann always arrived with spunk, wearing colorful clothing and happy to be alongside her husband and part of the group.
Ann's disease continued to progress and although I saw less of her, Wayne remained a regular in our twice monthly caregiver support groups.
Wayne often said, as caregivers we either have patience or we need to acquire patience. Wayne believed he was one who would have to acquire it. As Wayne accepted this undertaking, he would frequently share his "lessons learned" with the group.
Most weeks, Ann would lose her eyeglasses and each time she would blame Wayne. Wayne would ask Ann to think back to where she might have left them. And sometimes (possibly with a little frustration in his voice), Wayne would remind her of where they should have been put. This encounter never went well. Eventually, Wayne learned that if he simply took responsibility for misplacing her glasses everything went much better. And in time, the glasses would eventually turn up.
About 8 months ago, Ann began packing to go "home" — no longer recognizing home as home. At first, Wayne would explain to Ann that she was home and her packing was unnecessary. This only made Ann angry. Wayne began to just allow Ann to pack. When she finished and was ready to leave for "home", Wayne would kindly suggest that they leave in the morning when they were both more rested. Ann usually liked this idea, being a little tired herself. During the night, Wayne would unpack Ann's belongings, anticipating the next day when they might repeat the same scenario. Wayne didn't mind.
And then there were times more recently when Ann would look at Wayne and say, "Where is Wayne?" In spite of the pain that Wayne must have felt when Ann no longer recognized him as her husband, he would assure Ann that Wayne was just fine and would be home soon.
You see, what Wayne learned over the years was that the most loving gift he could give his wife was a sense of ease. Telling Ann that she lost her glasses or that she didn't need to pack because she was at home, or that her husband was right there standing in front of her, didn't serve Ann at that stage of her disease. To the contrary, it would make her confused, angry and sometimes scared. Wayne learned that the best way to honor his wife was to accept her disease, which meant accepting her reality, and lovingly joining her there.
"Love is a great teacher."
- St. Augustine
69 comments posted
February 25, 2012 9:29 p.m.
My loving and caring husband of 45 years is having short term memory loss and the doctor calls it vascular dementia. He does all of the dishwashing and when putting dishes away he is forever misplacing them. i tell him if he doesn't remember where a dish goes, to please leave them on counter and when i float thru and see it i will put it away. sometimes that works and sometimes i have to go on a search for a dish!!! if i am in a hurry, i admit to a little frustration but most of the time i can laugh it off. because when my husband asks the same question several times in a short period of time, i see that he is dead serious and doesn't know the answer anad does not remember asking it before, i find myself smiling at him and not answering immediately and he then realizes he has asked before and then we have a big laugh together. i just can't get angry with him because i know he doesn't remember........I enjoy reading the blogs not only for myself but for my sister who is a caregiver for her husband the past three years and i can relate what i have learned from you to her. i find prayer is the best medicine for me right now as well as taking it one day at a time and repeating to me and to my busband who still has it all together most of the time........"it is what it is and we are going to deal with it as lovingly as we can."
- Jo Ann
May 11, 2011 10:41 p.m.
my friend who has some kind of memory problem, her sister wanted to put her in a nursing home and my father who has AD midstage, my siblings want my father in a nursing home, I took them all in to my house thinking how hard can this be if we all work together and give a comfort of a home with home cooked meals. I feel privileged. I see them still enjoying their lives, I hope I can do this. It is good to see how I am not the only one to give home care.
- tea
May 11, 2011 8:56 a.m.
My spouse has had diagnosed dementia for about two years. I prayed for patience, but finally realized we don't get the gift of patience, we get the opportunies to practice patience! One of the things that has been helpful to me is to prepare a couple of folders labeled "finances" and "family." Into each I put relevant material, ie. a pension statement, a credit union monthly statement, etc. into the financial folder. In the Family folder, since he grieves the death of his mother as if it were yesterday(1994), I put a copy of her Will, photos I took of him at her gravesite, as well as the headstones, etc..and with flowers we placed there. This seems to help him a great deal. He can spend a lot of time every day looking at these materials and it saves me a lot of questions that are so repetitive and endless. He also loves to pray with me alternating the lines of the Our Father. He can remember this! And the praying out loud helps both of us!
- Maureen
May 6, 2011 3:36 p.m.
My Mother-in-law has had AD for the last 7 years. Physically she is doing pretty well. However, we are seeing her enter mentally in the severe stages. Everyday is a new adventure with her. She doesn't remember who none of us are, but she does know she is safe. She is always asking for her mom and dad, so we've opted to tell her they are on vacation. We are providing her natural supplements that help her with sundowning and sleep. She just loves to put away EVERYTHING! Folds and refolds shirts, napking etc. We just let her do that as it keeps her busy and entertained. However, she had the tendancy of putting almost anything in her month, frozen food, from the trash and even dog food...so everything needs to locked up for her safety. We just try to keep her safe and calm during the day. She thinks her husband is her dad and her son is a friend and that sometimes I'm her mom. Oh well, at least she still smiles and laughs. We just got to laugh and smile along with her. Got to remember, they do not know what they are doing, some words have no meaning to them, but they still have feelings.
- Maria
May 6, 2011 3:32 p.m.
My Mother-in-law has had AD for the last 7 years. Physically she is doing pretty well. However, we are seeing her enter mentally in the severe stages. Everyday is a new adventure with her. She doesn't remember who none of us are, but she does know she is safe. She is always asking for her mom and dad, so we've opted to tell her they are on vacation. We are providing her natural supplements that help her with sundowning and sleep. She just loves to put away EVERYTHING! Folds and refolds shirts, napking etc. We just let her do that as it keeps her busy and entertained. However, she had the tendancy of putting almost anything in her month, frozen food, from the trash and even dog food...so everything needs to locked up for her safety. We just try to keep her safe and calm during the day. She thinks her husband is her dad and her son is a friend and that sometimes I'm her mom. Oh well, at least she still smiles and laughs. We just got to laugh and smile along with her. Got to remember, they do not know what they are doing, some words have no meaning to them, but they still have feelings.
- Maria
April 26, 2011 12:47 p.m.
I have been diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago. I am scared to death,as time passes my wife will become Wayne and I will become Ann I do not knowingly or unknowingly hurt my wife. I know I drive crazy asking 20 times a day where do I stand with this disease. Where have I been and where am I going. Wayne, I take my hat off to you and your wife and your support of Ann and your coping skills Lou
- lou
March 25, 2011 11:16 a.m.
The story about Ann is so true. I take care of my mother. She's in great shape at 101 but is always losing something too. Now I understand more about her problem. I will try not to get so frustrated. She also was packing her things. I kept putting less back in her closet. It makes it easier to put it back. I told her I will throw out her clothes if she keeps doing it and she stopped. Now she misplaced her bottom teeth. It's been a week. I have to cook special for her.
- Charlotte
March 25, 2011 4:27 a.m.
My husband of 42 yrs. has dementia caused by a brain bleed a year ago. He has not recognized me as his wife, and I can deal with that. The problem is he gets depressed and upset because his wife is missing and he can't find her and doesn't understand why she is gone. Diversion does not work. He asks for her and is sad. Have tried antidepressants and helps some, but still remembers and asks for answers.
- mary
March 23, 2011 2:00 p.m.
allan: Went on alzheimerspouse.com. Lots of info plus heartbreaking stories. I am amazed at how long some patients linger in the late stages. My husband's sister has been in a catatonic state for three years. Others deteriorate very rapidly. Right now I treasure each day as if it were our last. Gone are our in-depth conversations on world events, family, etc. Doesn't even ask how much money is in the checking account or if there is gas in the car. Once in a while he will ask how the money gets into the checking account. I explain but he still doesn't understand.
- shirley
March 21, 2011 4:32 p.m.
My wife has many of the same characteristics as your husband. I call this our 'new normal' and each day I find myself saying to myself or someone else, "It is what it is." Try hard to preserve that 'me time,' try hard to maintain that patience, and take things one day at a time. Sites like this one and one specifically geared to spouses ... www.thealzheimerspouse.com ... help to keep me sane. So does attending a weekly support group just for spouses at the Long Island Alzheimer's Foundation. And so does maintaining a journal. Find out what works for you ... and just keep on keeping on!
- Allan
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