• image.alt
  • With Mayo Clinic health education outreach coordinator

    Angela Lunde

    read biography
The Mayo Clinic Diet Book, learn more

Free

E-newsletter

Subscribe to Housecall

Our weekly general interest
e-newsletter keeps you up to date on a wide variety of health topics.

Sign up now

  • Alzheimer's blog

  • Aug. 23, 2011

    Anger: A normal emotion for Alzheimer's caregivers

    By Angela Lunde

87 comments posted

Alzheimer's Caregiving

Subscribe to our Alzheimer's Caregiving e-newsletter to stay up to date on Alzheimer's topics.

Sign up now

Doug and so many of you wrote about the perplexing nature of acceptance.  Many of you agreed that accepting your situation as it is offers up room for ease and coping, but nevertheless isn't easy.

As Doug wrote, "accepting is not a onetime process...it is a work in progress". And Joy wrote, "Sometimes we just get tired out and have to holler." How true those statements are!

Acceptance isn't the same as liking it, and acceptance doesn't mean we aren't allowed to get angry. You, as caregivers, have every right to feel all of your emotions and to let them out. You're entitled to bad days — no judgment or apology necessary.

Although Joy recognizes her anger, not all caregivers can see it in themselves. Often you may not be in tune with your emotions because you're immersed in someone else's needs and consumed with the tasks at hand.  Yet you live in extraordinary circumstances and have understandable reasons to be angry.

You take on difficult and unpleasant tasks and often feel unappreciated. You have little time for yourself and less time for friends and personal relationships. In addition, you often set unrealistic expectations for yourself and often believe it's a sign of weakness to ask for help, or believe that no one can do the job quite like you can.

It's common to feel anger toward the one you're caring for.  Sometimes, the anger may be a symptom of the fear most caregivers experience when faced with such an ambiguous loss. Undoubtedly, caregivers are at risk for feeling angry. However, feeling angry isn't the real problem. As caregivers you're entitled to (and should) feel anger if that's what you feel. The problem comes with not knowing what to do or how to relieve the anger.

An excellent booklet titled "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger", from the Duke Family Support Program at Duke University Medical Center, states that anger is a normal and expectable emotion. The booklet offers ways of responding that support the caregivers' well-being and that of the person they're caring for.

I'm going to highlight some of the ways to manage anger in my next blog. But for now, I want to leave you with an excerpt from the booklet and ask that you offer some thoughts on your own anger triggers (or pressure points) and what, if any, helpful ways you respond when you get angry.

"Anger is an emotional response to a grievance, real or imaginary, in the past, present or future. The pain of anger is very real. If we don't know how to relieve it the right way, we will react to it in ways that make things worse instead of better."

— Mitchell Messer as cited in the booklet "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger"

87 comments posted

blog index

  • March 8, 2013 8:43 p.m.

    my husband has az. i am angry, our life is changing daily. I resent the what could of been... am i a terrible person?

    - chip

  • March 8, 2013 7:01 p.m.

    10 years of watching my mother(my best friend) turn from a loving mother to an evil crazy person who HATED me. Her death was a relief. I will NEVER recover from things she said to me and she DESTROYED our family. No one should EVER say "That's not your mother talking, it's the disease". It doesn't make it any better. If I ever get Alzheimer's, I'd kill myself before I'd inflict such pain on anyone.

    - joanne

  • November 13, 2012 5:27 a.m.

    My mother is 72, and is in moderate stages of dementia. I'm guilty of feeling a constant anger at what is happening with my mother. She is the last of my immediate family. My father died in 1991, and my brother died in 2003. I have read these blogs and found many commonalities. Most of the anger I feel is because in this process, I feel as if I have lost myself. I have grown children who have nothing to do with my mother. I also have an 8 year old who, I know, feels my anger and in turn is angered easily. It is about who a person must care for.... My mother has had great frustration understanding why her independence has been taken from her, and I would feel the same. She no longer realizes that she has the disease. She wants to go everywhere with me, and because of this, I'm having trouble taking care of vital issues. When I do manage a few hours away, I feel guilty. I'm extremely depressed and don't seem to know how to pull myself out of this hole. I have worked since I was 16 and have a college degree... I'm having trouble adjusting to a stay at home situation. My therapist told me today, "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't."

    - Lorrie

  • October 23, 2012 8:11 a.m.

    Wow. i have been searching for sites that will help with being a caregiver! I am a 33 yr old caregiver for my father in law who is near the last stage of the disease. I have been doing this pretty much by myself for nearly 2 years. My husband works a lot and we have moved so much that work isn't an option for me. I read this blog and could relate so much. I know there is anger inside me as well as resentment because I am doing it all. I have no life, feel intense guilt if I leave for a certain amount of time, and merely exhausted. We are working on getting someone to greathelp me but I still feel great resentment, lonliness, and uselessness. Everybody says, including my husband says that I am working. I don't feel it. I am stuck at home. Let me add this, my husband does offer to give me a break on the weekend but I don't like taking it because I actually get to spend time with him. I need a friend and I need someone to help me find myself. I have lost myself since I began this venture. Don't get me wrong, I am glad we can do this for him. And I feel for him greatly. THis is just as frustrating for him as it is to us. But I can't find that place to take care of myself and become Kelly again. Am I normal?

    - Kelly

  • February 24, 2012 12:27 a.m.

    This is for Arlene... I have found that there is a disposable product for men by Depends that is much like a throwaway pair of pullup underwear. The VA supplies them for my husband but they will be sold in stores in August, I heard. He is incontinent sometimes and cannot make it to the restroom in time. I have removed his cotton underwear from his drawer and replaced them with the pullups. He does not mind these and always puts them on without me coaxing and threating him. Something that simple did the trick. And, oh yes, he has to wear them to bed. They do not know they have and odor so bathing and cleaning the bathroom is essential for the patient or caregiver. Hope this helps. Keep in mind he cannot help his behavior.

    - Virginia

  • November 29, 2011 4:02 p.m.

    I love my Mother with all my heart; I know she isn't forgetting so much purposefully. She can't help it. I am angry with relatives who have blocked me out;I am upset with the man in my life who seems not to comfort me-instead giving me lectures on not worrying if I can't reach her on the phone. (She lives 2000 miles away.) I thank this lady from the Mayo Clinic for her caring of those of us who have elder parents, or other loved ones, we must/want to care for, for her blog and interest.I sleep much less since seeing Mom much more/traveling back & forth/helping her by buying food/finding people to help get her around now relatives convinced her to sell her car-"independence"-to quote Mom. Praying helps me to not be so angry; working at my "craft" helps;truly trying to understand my partner's stress over this so I can not be as hurt by his out of character anger & wreckless driving, helps. To those many caring for the nation of memory loss souls, pray without ceasing, exercise, & continue to practise your "crafts"... Thanking the Dr. at the Mayo Clinic for her next words of wisdom- at this stressful holiday time. Thinking of all here & Karen in particular. Go to a geriactric specialist, Karen. This is WHERE to start...Hugs

    - elisabeth

  • November 2, 2011 4:19 a.m.

    We need HABITS in Jacksonville MAYO CAMPUS! PLEASE HAVE IT SENT DOWN...THANKS! i'm a Caregiver with an Disease, and thanks to my MDs at MAYO, SO FAR i am successful! Dystonia National Volunteer Advocate

    - Dystonia Hat Lady

  • September 30, 2011 4:06 p.m.

    I ve seen also good articles at health encyclopedia.

    - Victor

  • September 27, 2011 1:10 p.m.

    I am a 54 year old caregiver for my 68 year old husband with Alzheimer's. Anger is one of the many emotions I feel. I write about it in my blog Living in the shadow of Alzheimer's at www.sherizeee.blogspot.com Feel free to stop by and take a look.

    - Sheri

  • September 22, 2011 2:34 p.m.

    I first noticed problems with my husband in 2005. His sense of direction was totally out of whack. Then he started not remembering somethings. Now he has to ask which way to turn, can't remember what the Dr says, or what cereals he likes without having to really think. Yet he thinks nothing is wrong and won't let me talk to his Dr about it. Does anyone have any suggestions?

    - Betty

  • September 16, 2011 11:40 a.m.

    My mother passed away this past April. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimers approx 9 years ago. She and my stepfather lived out of town 2 hours away. I tried from the time she was diagnosed to get them to move to the same town with me so that I could help.I spent hours trying to educate and help my stepfather deal with the changes and tried to get him to join support groups, etc. 2 years ago, I got a frantic call from an Aunt that I must pick up my mother immediately as my stepdad was out of control and being mean to her. I moved her to my home and she did end up moving into an assisted living facility where she passed. My stepfather harassed her and my family to the point where we were ready to call the police to stop him. The assisted living facility had to block his calls to my Mother because it upset her so badly....he made our life hell these last two years. Now, I can't remember my Mother without him and the anger that I have towards him. When I dream of her, he is always there and I wake up sooooo angry I just want to lash out and hurt him. I want my memories of my Mother !!!! How do I find them and get past this anger ?

    - Kathi

  • September 7, 2011 11:28 p.m.

    Frustration seems to be the big challenge for me. I care for my husband who is becoming increasingly demented and now somewhat incontinent. He refuses to wear diaper protection but rather soils his clothing and I then have to wash more often and others notice the odors. His bathroom has a stench that one can scarcely stand. How can I convince him to use a diaper to protect his clothing?

    - Arlene

  • September 7, 2011 11:23 p.m.

    It has been three years since my wife of 47 years passed away, after three years of AD, or dementia. The doctors prescribed for her according to their vast experience with "these types of cases". I was angry at so many thngs during the last year that I just wanted to go with her. There just did not seem to be any rationality in the diagnosis and treatment of my wifes failing mental state. It got so that it was hard to trust the professional establishment, when it came to type of medication, dose, ramping up and down. And integrating the psychotropic drugs with the COPD drugs that kept her breathing. Frustration with my ineffective evaluation and management, along with my sadness in loosing my life partner a day at a time fueled my need to lash out at any (What I thought were) negative critacizems of my care. Only once did my wife feel my anger and she asked me "Don't you love me any more?" I was devistated. I now am a care giver for and agency, and I became one so that I could be the best any stricken person could ask for. It is the leaset that I can do to honor the membory of my wife. My present wife understands. It is the nature of women, I find.

    - DENIS

  • September 7, 2011 8:52 p.m.

    I just want to say this evening that it is not about anger that I am feeling, it is all about disappointment from family (siblings) that causes my problems. I truly thought I was in a state of depression, and then I realised it was not that, it was only from the disappointment I feel every day, because of a lack of family to talk to and know that they know know and understand what it means to be the "one" that is caring for a parent with Alzheimers. Am afraid they just do not really get it. That makes me sad!

    - colleen

  • September 7, 2011 7:37 p.m.

    This is for Karen. The answer is yes to the personality. I would rather have my dad of 15 years ago than the man he is now.Okay, switching gears. If you have a HMO med. insurance you will have to go through his primary anyway. If you have a PPO insurance, then schedule an appointment with a neurologist. But do your research with your medical insurance. See if the doctors are under your plan. If they are not, you will have to pay for everything. For more help, go to alz.org. I think you will need to educate yourself more and join a caregivers group. This is a good start. Keep coming back here and let us know what's going on.

    - Cindy

  • September 6, 2011 6:14 p.m.

    Sometimes just to warn them that you are going to another room to scream. My mother now laughes but knows that I need to quick break. But many time before I gt back to her she is already yelling for me.

    - Jan

  • September 6, 2011 2:00 p.m.

    I have a sister who is 17 years older than I am. She has not had a definitive diagnosis of Alzheimer's but her son just recently admitted her to an assisted living facility. She only has the one son and he needed a place to leave her while he was trying to figure out this care facility. My sister is 81 - she has always been very self absorbed and being that she is so much older than me, I've really never gotten to know her. I saw about three distinct personalities while she was here for the week and wonder if this is typical of Alzheimer's or if it could be something else. Sometimes she was very much as I remembered her, other times she seemed in a daze, standing with her purse, unsure where her room was, where she was going, etc. Then there was the mean personality - it was never directed at me but I was aware of the situation and she had blown the situation totally out of proportion and told things I knew to be untrue. Is this mean personality something typical of Alzheimer's patients or is this just a part of her personality that has become more apparent as her condition progresses? I'm still trying to find out more about Alzheimer's.

    - Beverly

  • September 6, 2011 5:02 a.m.

    My anger is not with my mother but with the so-called professionals who are sometines forced on her. On several occasions she has fallen at her ALF and been sent to the hospital for examines. She became agitated and they acutally called security to deal with her. Do they not train student nurses and doctors to recognize dementia related behavior? During a hospital visit they brought her meals, left them in front of her and when she didn't eat they wanted to insert a feeding tube. The tray was above her line of sight because they expected she would raise her bed on her own. I can deal with anger towards her because I know she can't help it but sometimes you just want to smack the professionals for their ignorance.

    - Beth

  • September 5, 2011 6:07 p.m.

    Here's to us caregivers, Tough times don't last (although sometimes it feels like eternity. Tough people do.

    - Cindy

  • September 5, 2011 3:09 p.m.

    Boy, is it ever difficult not to succumb to anger. I have to imagine that Alzheimer's is, in some ways, more difficult to deal with for caregivers than other crippling illnesses can be, mostly because the person you're caring for, in many cases has no notion of who you are, your relationship, or what you're doing for them. That said, the anger is almost always overcome by the love you feel for the person in your care, and is merely an unpleasant by-product of a service you perform out of love. Remembering that in and of itself often helps me let go of the anger that can weigh you down.

    - Margarete

  • September 5, 2011 9:38 a.m.

    I am so very angry. But much of it is anger from things that have happened in the past and that will now remain unresolved. Because he just doesn't get it when I try to explain things to him. This is probably just me -- but I have to ask -- do any of you think your significant other, or whoever you're caring for, had a different type of personality before the onset of Alzheimers? I find the personality he had prior to this is now personified. I also have not had him properly diagnosed, as his PC physician declared (a year ago) he does not have Alzheimers. I don't know where to turn next. Should I just make an appt w/a Neurologist myself? I have never been so depressed. I don't know where to turn next -- each day I am reminded of the never ending battle (as are all of you) but he seems so nonchalant as tho everyting will get better. Dear Lord -- somebody please help and give me some words of advice and encouragement. Thank you so very much.

    - Karen

  • September 5, 2011 2:05 a.m.

    Hi to all of you out there. Mom is the patient and I have been at this for some time now - luckily where I live we have a fantastic home in a secure village. I have found lately tha Mom is much better since I have with her doctor lessened the dosage of her medication - and added a small disprin dosage - that used for heart patients. It is as if she has been given an extra lease on life. She has started talking again and being interested in her suroundings and others in conversation. I think the plaque on the walls of the arteries stops the flow of blood to the brain but with the disprin thining the blood it allows the brain that vital oxygenated blood supply once more, as she is not having any other medication only half a pill morning and evening for alzheimers with the one disprin daily - so it may be this that has made the huge difference and or it may be that the other meds were no longer needed to keep her going.

    - Merle

  • September 4, 2011 11:08 p.m.

    We sometimes do not cope because we keep our expectations too high for the person we are caregiving for. When we change our expectations for them and realize they are not the same person anymore, then it seems easier to cope. That's what a nurse helped me to understand when we were caregiving for the first parent with AD. They are doing the best they can. Can you imagine how scared you would be if you knew your mind was going and you couldn't control what you did or remember what you did anymore? We recognize some are much more difficult than others. Our first parent we cared for was very difficult, but not as difficult as many of you face. But the last one was an appreciative, thankful, forgetful, sweet mother with AD. It was still stressful keeping her safe, but we knew were doing the right thing for her and us. Each situation is different. Some of the things we faced were humorous. We wrote some of these down. Now that she's gone, we remember them while smiling through tears.

    - Martha

  • September 4, 2011 7:49 p.m.

    I can relate to so many, Terry C, the need to vent, so true, I still am working full time. I was the caregiver when I came home from work, after working 10 hours. This website has been a relief and outlet, I have turned my anger inward, and I am being treated for depression, I have realized my health was going down hill, and I just couldn't do it anymore. My husband just turned 54, and I had to put him in a Nursing Home, due to his Dementia, and other medical issues. It has given me the peace I needed for my sanity, but I miss him, this disease has taken so much from us, and I feel I lost so much more when I had to put him in the Nursing facility. I live in the moment with him, I can visit him, but I miss the man he once was, and I am trying to do the best that I can. Cindy, this disease does change us, I will never be the same again, it has taken the joy from me, thankfully I have a firm foundation with my faith. Gisele, you have put a voice to my frustration as well, and others give me the courage to hope that tomorrow will be easier. It seems each day I am losing a little bit more of him, I hate this disease. I still can't believe this is the way our marriage of 27 years is ending up. It helps to know I am not alone, in this battle. Thank you all for your honesty and openness.

    - Jane

  • September 4, 2011 5:26 p.m.

    Back in October I found myself getting angry at my wife and raising the tone of my voice. Inside I felt like doing more than that. I decided that was a signal that I was reaching my limits. Fortunately, we are able to afford a nursing home where she is now. I sometimes get angry now, but it more towards the disease than her. When I feel that rage I recommit myself to working toward raising awareness and raising funds for Alzheimer's research.

    - Doug

Post a comment
Next page
  • Print

  • Share on:

  • Email

Advertisement


Text Size: smaller largerlarger