• image.alt
  • With Mayo Clinic health education outreach coordinator

    Angela Lunde

    read biography
The Mayo Clinic Diet Book, learn more

Free

E-newsletter

Subscribe to Housecall

Our weekly general interest
e-newsletter keeps you up to date on a wide variety of health topics.

Sign up now

  • Alzheimer's blog

  • Aug. 23, 2011

    Anger: A normal emotion for Alzheimer's caregivers

    By Angela Lunde

87 comments posted

Alzheimer's Caregiving

Subscribe to our Alzheimer's Caregiving e-newsletter to stay up to date on Alzheimer's topics.

Sign up now

Doug and so many of you wrote about the perplexing nature of acceptance.  Many of you agreed that accepting your situation as it is offers up room for ease and coping, but nevertheless isn't easy.

As Doug wrote, "accepting is not a onetime process...it is a work in progress". And Joy wrote, "Sometimes we just get tired out and have to holler." How true those statements are!

Acceptance isn't the same as liking it, and acceptance doesn't mean we aren't allowed to get angry. You, as caregivers, have every right to feel all of your emotions and to let them out. You're entitled to bad days — no judgment or apology necessary.

Although Joy recognizes her anger, not all caregivers can see it in themselves. Often you may not be in tune with your emotions because you're immersed in someone else's needs and consumed with the tasks at hand.  Yet you live in extraordinary circumstances and have understandable reasons to be angry.

You take on difficult and unpleasant tasks and often feel unappreciated. You have little time for yourself and less time for friends and personal relationships. In addition, you often set unrealistic expectations for yourself and often believe it's a sign of weakness to ask for help, or believe that no one can do the job quite like you can.

It's common to feel anger toward the one you're caring for.  Sometimes, the anger may be a symptom of the fear most caregivers experience when faced with such an ambiguous loss. Undoubtedly, caregivers are at risk for feeling angry. However, feeling angry isn't the real problem. As caregivers you're entitled to (and should) feel anger if that's what you feel. The problem comes with not knowing what to do or how to relieve the anger.

An excellent booklet titled "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger", from the Duke Family Support Program at Duke University Medical Center, states that anger is a normal and expectable emotion. The booklet offers ways of responding that support the caregivers' well-being and that of the person they're caring for.

I'm going to highlight some of the ways to manage anger in my next blog. But for now, I want to leave you with an excerpt from the booklet and ask that you offer some thoughts on your own anger triggers (or pressure points) and what, if any, helpful ways you respond when you get angry.

"Anger is an emotional response to a grievance, real or imaginary, in the past, present or future. The pain of anger is very real. If we don't know how to relieve it the right way, we will react to it in ways that make things worse instead of better."

— Mitchell Messer as cited in the booklet "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger"

87 comments posted

blog index

  • September 4, 2011 4:54 p.m.

    Today day is a bad day and I feel so bad for not being the patient wife. My husband of 26 years has AD and it is so difficult. He is patient, loving and kind which is good and I thank God for that. He just needs me every minute and I am at his beckin call every minute I am home. The caregivers I have while I work are wonderful but once home, I don't have a free minute and it is so frustrating. Have 8 kids and not one will help out ever. Sure isn't fun some days when you can't find a free minute for yourself. A bad day in Paradise Right.

    - Donna

  • September 4, 2011 3:05 p.m.

    A short comment to Bonnie regarding the meds her husband is on. When my husband was given prozac he started having nightmares and would shuffle his feet real fast and then hit at me. He was the most wonderful husband during the 58 yrs. of marriage and this was not like him. I took him to the Dr. and said something is very wrong. Prozac was the last medication added to his daily meds and so the Dr. took him off and after that he never had another incident of anger. The aricept and namenda helped him live 10 yrs. I am so greatful that the Lord helped me so I could care for him at home. I don't regret any of those yrs. of caring for him except for what he had to go thru. He is at peace now and I miss him dearly.

    - Donna

  • September 4, 2011 2:54 p.m.

    It is so true that acceptance is an ongoing process. Everyday my husband and I are faced with accepting the daily changes we see in my Mom. I have no anger toward my Mom, but the reason for my anger is family that offer no help,friends of Mom's that never call or visit.People should remember it could be me or them with this horrible disease. Our loved ones still have feelings and need to be held and loved.

    - Sharon

  • September 4, 2011 11:32 a.m.

    My husband who was such a mild fun loving person now has so much anger. Sometimes it is hard not to get mad and be quick to answer in a negative way. I pray so much for patience. Our 4 children plus sons-in-law and even grandchildren are so good with him. Our Children are such a great help. I am truly blessed but it is still very difficult and would never wish it on my worst enemy. He understands what is happening to him and hates it. He is also very depressed and is on Aricept, Namenda and Prozac.

    - Bonnie

  • September 3, 2011 11:56 p.m.

    My husband of 23 yrs just got diagnosed at age 58 with AD. The first frustration is at the disease, my anger is just there alot, I was so frustrated dealing with the financial aspect of his job loss, his disability claim filings, me having to do all the bill paying and his dyslexia and inability to read has been so tiring, I just get so angry, and my son who is only 19 has had a very hard time dealing with it, I am so sad too. I hate to sound like such a downer, but it helps me to put a voice to my frustration, thanks for letting me vent.

    - Gisele

  • September 3, 2011 10:43 p.m.

    today was one of those days when I wanted to be able to rest mentally, no thoughts of others and that didn't happen. So I felt guilty for wanting to be removed from the situation.....tomorrow will be better.

    - Lee

  • September 3, 2011 9:40 p.m.

    I care for my husband of 55 years who has AD, and he was difficult to live with before AD. Some traits still come out and they are painful to accept. He is very short tempered and paranoid. Thinks everyone, especially family members, are against him. I have taken him to day care a few times, not easy to get him to go, but gives me a few hours of relief. He doesn't cooperate there either. The thing I miss most is adult conversation. There is none. He doesn't understand the simplest stories I try to relate. I have a daughter who is very helpful, and he is nasty to her also. He sometimes tends to get violent, but so far hasn't done any bodily harm. I pray every day for patience. Caregivers have no life, we have no time to be ourselves, we have to be thinking constantly how we can get through the next day. God Bless all of you.

    - Betty

  • September 3, 2011 8:05 p.m.

    To Charlie--people also said that my dad seemed fine, but when he couldn't find my mother's hospital room after her being there for 6 weeks, I knew something was wrong--especially when he wore the same clothes every day for a week and smelled!! He was originally diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but was subsequently diagnosed with Lewy body dementia. He can tell you what happened during the Red Sox game last night but cannot find his way from his chair to the bathroom without getting lost and I have to remind him every single night to take a shower. In my dad's case, he has problems with where things are and what order to do them in--his memory is not that bad yet. To Cindy--I agree with you 100% that dementia sucks. Dad lives with me and since he moved in over a month ago, my brother has taken him out once. This past week was horrendous trying to get a phone line installed for him--stayed home 3 vacation days waiting for AT&T to come (before the hurricane hit) and still it is not installed, not to mention his house was closed on and while I am running around like crazy for him, he is worried about me using my time to pick up something for my brother. Maybe that's what is so hard, they just don't see how hard it is to do everything they need, work full-time and raise 3 children. Thankfully, my dad is also fairly easygoing.

    - Kellie

  • September 3, 2011 6:59 p.m.

    This life as acaregiver is the greatest challenge any husband or wife can face.We are about 6 yrs into it.As I read the problems others are faceing, Ifeel blessed ,so far by the Grace of God, we can handle it.My heart goes out to those I read about The battle is hard. Each day we fight to remain patient ,loving, and kind.But only my faith in Jesus Christ strengthens me for each new challenge.I say to myself, "I can do all things in Christ Jesus who strengthens me."Phil.4:13. May the Lord bless all who are caregivers with hope and courage. --In His Love and blessings, Anne

    - Anne

  • September 3, 2011 2:59 p.m.

    I think the thing that makes me angry is having to justify the fact that my Mother probably DOES have alzheimer's. People keep saying that it is probably nothing,that this is just temporary yet I am the one who is looking after all of her issues while they are too busy. I keep getting told I worry too much yet I am the one who is watching her slowly decline....very frustrating!

    - Cathy T

  • September 3, 2011 2:53 p.m.

    Well, Alzhemimer SUCKS!!! It does change your life dramatically. I don't have the energy to clean the house, I don't have the energy to date. Frankly, I am not interested at this point. Taking care of my father is taxing. I have been forunate that he is "easy going" but he has become a "shadower". I feel like I am being watched and smothered most of the time. I finally asked my brother to help with dad once a month. He said he would...we shall see. Another time my other brother took dad with him and his family. If I could, I would've done a cartwheel in the kitchen. I felt as if a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt light-hearted. I almost cried with tears of joy. I hope my brother's come through for me. My sister has bowed out completely. She'll help but there are conditions that have to be met. Heck with her! Imagine doing that to your own father. But she's not the first and certainly not the last.This disease not only kills its host, it kills the caregiver as well. Both of you are not the same anymore.

    - Cindy

  • September 3, 2011 12:20 p.m.

    I have seen Alzheimers at all stages. 6 members of my wifes family currently have it. One sister in law is 58 diagnosed at 54 and lives in our home. My mother in law 84 has had it for 13+ years. Common thread examples amoung many on this post are the verbal abuse, constant roaming, lack of help/support, repetitive questions answered over and over which all leads to anger. Know this please: Alzheimers changes your life to as well as your loved one. 1. Realize that you can't change or fix this so get help from any source possible to provide(even brief relief) for yourself. You MUST have breaks - ASK family,close friends, church,close neighbors,adult day care, inhome services, Gov.or non profit agencies. The goal is to have 3 sources of relief you can go to. Keep asking. 2. Understand: While they may have good days and bad, the stage they are in will NEVER be recaptured. Example:The ablity to simply speak, do simple task, bath, it will never happen again once it leaves them. 3. Understand: Speech will leave before comprehension. This is different from memory, while they may not be able to put a sentence together they do understand (for a time) what is going on around them. 4. Find out (IF) your loved one will accept hugs. If so do it daily and often. Use humor from you or from a movie/video/America's Funniest Home Videos on TV. 5. YOU are their guardian angle. They did not ask for this. Ask yourself how would you want to be cared for. I do,knowing my wife could be # 7.

    - Mark

  • September 3, 2011 8:57 a.m.

    My husband passed away in May. However, some of the beneficial help I received was enrolling him in a day care and also using a respite group for a few hours. Check with your county services for the elderly to see whether there is support for you to use these services or other services may be available. My family did not support me with help, they all live away from our home city. Give yourself a break and check with a local Alzheimers Assoc. as well.

    - Donna

  • September 3, 2011 7:22 a.m.

    This is a great Blog to vent and Lord knows Alzheimer's caregivers need to vent !!! For those who are spouses thealzheimerspouse.com web sight will give you some interaction with other Spouse's I highly recommend it. How can any of us NOT get angry, it tries the patience of a Saint to get thru the day. And Jane your husband 53, heartbreaking.....mine was 55 for the "official" diagnoses. And Ari's right all caregivers for diseases are difficult, but when the mind is altered and it last for years possible over a decade ....well we are in a league all our own. A team we would all prefer to be traded from.

    - TerryC

  • September 3, 2011 6:40 a.m.

    I get angry at my husband more than I want to. He was exceedingly difficult all his life and that has continued with the Alzheimer's. His needs are great and he badgers relentlessly. Practically no one else wants to watch him even for a short time. I am burned out and weep even as I write this. Am sad that this disease is so formidable. God bless all the families and the sick ones. J.

    - Jean

  • September 2, 2011 10:51 p.m.

    Thank you so much for all the little comments and stories from you readers. I recognize a lot of things I have been going thru with my hubby. I feel so much anger and resentment but when I read the blogs I feel so much better. I want to eventually join a group.

    - Eleanor

  • September 2, 2011 7:51 p.m.

    I had put my husband in a Adult care center after a most horific year. I could not take my eyes off him for 5 minutes day or night or he would be outside exposing himself. His daughter even witnessed this. I had him in the care center for 1 1/2 months when his family who visited him now and then and some only once during this time, turned me into the Adult Protection Agency because they said he had conversations with them and did not need to be in the center. There was so much comotion that I brought him home. Now his sister, children and I won't even hardly talk to each other. The children (grown) have called and talked to my husband. They think they are caring on a conversation, but he just agrees and says some things that he does remember, then when he hangs up, he can't even tell me hardly who called not less what they talked about. My husband is fairly druged up on a new medicine he started at the Center, at night, the same old thing, pacing, wondering, sundowners all over again. I am so glad that the rest of the family can sleep good at night, don't have to see their loved one die a little at a time, and does not have to think of this only until they think to call my husband maybe once a week. It has been three weeks since anyone has called him. I feel I am in my own prision. I love my husband, but I don't know who this man is. He follows me every minute of the day, won't let me out of his sight. I do feel angry that my life is not important to family

    - Donna

  • September 2, 2011 6:25 p.m.

    It is comforting to know that mine is not an isolated situation. I feel so guilty because of this anger. I dont like being angry. Monday of this week, my 89 yr old mom was scheduled for a mini mental test in her primary care dr.s office. I am moms care giver, but my brothers requested the test. This was the Folstein test. Mom scored a 26 out of 30. While the dr never once asked about her behaviors at home he said she had very mild short term memory loss. We have someone come in twice a wk to give mom a bath. I do all her laundry, & housework & prepare her meals. She wont or cant do these things for herself. She was very attentive to the dr & 'on point'. She not once asked him to repeat a question. When we left, her face became blank with continual 'huhs?' as i attempted to engage her in conversation. So frustrating. My brothers now say, 'dont go fix her meals, let her do it. since she only has very mild short term memory loss'. Mom has typical sundowners syndrome, high anxiety, she paces, cannot concentrate to carry on a conversation of any substance. Someone wanta tell me whats going on? I feel my famiy is in denial about moms condition & looking for yet another reason to stay uninvolved. and yes mom makes me angry. is this typical alzheimers behavior?

    - charlie

  • September 2, 2011 5:01 p.m.

    TO NORM. MY WIFE HAD THE STOMACH PROBLEM ALSO AND I PUT HER ON PRILOSEC AFTER CHECKING WITH HER DR.FOR TWO MONTHS NOW SHE HAS BEEN PAIN FREE FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS. GIVE IT A TRY..GOOD LUCK HOPE IT WILLL HELP

    - Alfredo

  • September 2, 2011 4:53 p.m.

    My huband, daignosed 2 years ago, is still in denial. He is on Lexapro and Welbutrin but it is no longer taking effect. He goes "out of control" verbally, and this can last days at a time, or just over-night. The next day it can be as if nothing has happened. It is difficult for me to just do an about face as though nothing had transpired. When I suggest he see the doctor to get or discuss a meds change, he insists nothing is wrong with him. It's me! he is pulling away from me, not speaking to me for days at time. Not eating meals together. These seem like little things, perhaps, to some, but this has never been our life together. We always did everything together. i realize it is his mind, but it still is difficult to accept. I cannot have company in the home. We cannot go out with friends, but on rare occasions when he see fit. I feel like a prisoner in this situation. I had gone through this with my mother some years back and here I am, starting all over again. I truly do not know what to do or where to turn. thanks for listening!

    - Carole

  • September 2, 2011 3:14 p.m.

    Thank you for all your comments, some of the writings have given me a voice, even if its in my head. My husband who is 53 has dementia. He is so young, I feel at times I have lost myself thru his disease. I to looked forward for when he is sleeping, and its quiet, and I have the house to myself.

    - Jane

  • September 2, 2011 2:46 p.m.

    Why me? I kept asking this over and over again which fed the anger and resentment I could feel almost every day. After 58 years I realize my husband was not always the easiest person to live with even though we spent 30+ years teaching in the same school. Those were probably the best years as we were each more preoccupied with our work. My mother lived with us providing at-home care for our daughter. When my mother moved to a nursing home and our daughter was in college our life was easy until we retired and moved to a more economical part of the country. This was when my husband began to be a little more difficult, especially about our house. If a problem occurred it got fixed but he'd soon find another. Fix it, another problem. He really came apart when we made another move to be nearer to our daughter. Dementia is developing but not to the point where he needs physical care. He doesn't do any of the chores he used to, just reads all day. He was the 'chief chef' and I hate to cook so meals are very catch-as-catch-can. The accumulation of minor tasks I now have to deal with aggravates me. The resultant anger is frustrating. Reading about others problems though is helping me realize my problems are so minor I should slow down, take a deep breath and thank the gods that I have what I have: a comfortable home, my daughter and son-in-law, enough money to keep us steady. Thanks for this great opportunity to connect with others.

    - Ethel

  • September 2, 2011 2:35 p.m.

    i just ordered it... http://www.nia.nih.gov/Alzheimers/Publications/pressurepoints.html

    - Rich

  • September 2, 2011 2:24 p.m.

    It has only been six months since my wife Barb who is 73, was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, a precursor to Alzheimer's Disease. She is repeating questions more and more and her retention of answers is becoming less and less. This is all so new for me. It is so hard to accept how she is changing. Besides anger at myself and her, I am totally deaf on my left side and wear a hearing aid in my right ear. It is so sad and ironic… for years, I have had to ask Barb to repeat things. Now it is so painful for me to hear her repeat questions…

    - Rich

  • September 2, 2011 2:19 p.m.

    How do we get a copy of the booklet?

    - Diane

Post a comment
Previous page Next page
  • Print

  • Share on:

  • Email

Advertisement


Text Size: smaller largerlarger