• image.alt
  • With Mayo Clinic health education outreach coordinator

    Angela Lunde

    read biography
The Mayo Clinic Diet Book, learn more

Free

E-newsletter

Subscribe to Housecall

Our weekly general interest
e-newsletter keeps you up to date on a wide variety of health topics.

Sign up now

  • Alzheimer's blog

  • Aug. 23, 2011

    Anger: A normal emotion for Alzheimer's caregivers

    By Angela Lunde

87 comments posted

Alzheimer's Caregiving

Subscribe to our Alzheimer's Caregiving e-newsletter to stay up to date on Alzheimer's topics.

Sign up now

Doug and so many of you wrote about the perplexing nature of acceptance.  Many of you agreed that accepting your situation as it is offers up room for ease and coping, but nevertheless isn't easy.

As Doug wrote, "accepting is not a onetime process...it is a work in progress". And Joy wrote, "Sometimes we just get tired out and have to holler." How true those statements are!

Acceptance isn't the same as liking it, and acceptance doesn't mean we aren't allowed to get angry. You, as caregivers, have every right to feel all of your emotions and to let them out. You're entitled to bad days — no judgment or apology necessary.

Although Joy recognizes her anger, not all caregivers can see it in themselves. Often you may not be in tune with your emotions because you're immersed in someone else's needs and consumed with the tasks at hand.  Yet you live in extraordinary circumstances and have understandable reasons to be angry.

You take on difficult and unpleasant tasks and often feel unappreciated. You have little time for yourself and less time for friends and personal relationships. In addition, you often set unrealistic expectations for yourself and often believe it's a sign of weakness to ask for help, or believe that no one can do the job quite like you can.

It's common to feel anger toward the one you're caring for.  Sometimes, the anger may be a symptom of the fear most caregivers experience when faced with such an ambiguous loss. Undoubtedly, caregivers are at risk for feeling angry. However, feeling angry isn't the real problem. As caregivers you're entitled to (and should) feel anger if that's what you feel. The problem comes with not knowing what to do or how to relieve the anger.

An excellent booklet titled "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger", from the Duke Family Support Program at Duke University Medical Center, states that anger is a normal and expectable emotion. The booklet offers ways of responding that support the caregivers' well-being and that of the person they're caring for.

I'm going to highlight some of the ways to manage anger in my next blog. But for now, I want to leave you with an excerpt from the booklet and ask that you offer some thoughts on your own anger triggers (or pressure points) and what, if any, helpful ways you respond when you get angry.

"Anger is an emotional response to a grievance, real or imaginary, in the past, present or future. The pain of anger is very real. If we don't know how to relieve it the right way, we will react to it in ways that make things worse instead of better."

— Mitchell Messer as cited in the booklet "Pressure Points — Alzheimer's and Anger"

87 comments posted

blog index

  • September 2, 2011 1:08 p.m.

    I identify with Norm's situation regarding his wife's stomach pain. My mother who is 91 has moderate dementia and she is also on Aricept. For several weeks now she has been coplaining of stomach and neck pain as well as throat and chest pains. The first thing she says when she wakes up is "My stomach hurts" and now is refusing to eat for fear of making her stomack hurt more. I have taken her to specialists and they did ultrasound exams of her stomach and abdomen which showed nothing unusual. The Dr. wants her to have other exams but she refuses because she is afraid. I feel stuck and totally powerless to do anything to help her and I get very depessed and frustrated listening all day and night to her complain about stomach pain. It seems her doctors have given up trying to treat her since she refuses to take medications or blames the medications for making it worse. Thanks for letting me vent my frustration.

    - Irma

  • September 2, 2011 1:02 p.m.

    Any suggestions on how to deal with my wife's constant "mosquito" bites. She gets welts that are pink to red. We have been to to the skin Dr. but no real answers. She has mild dementia for the last 2 years and gets very angry/upset with little cause.

    - Joe

  • September 2, 2011 10:02 a.m.

    Regarding medications... She has taken Aricept for 7 years and is the later stages of the middle phase of Alzheimers. Her primary care doctor took her off and 2 weeks later she couldn't follow cuing for toileting. At the suggestion of the care providers she went back on Aricept. At first we thought yes, the med made the difference, but now after a month back on it appears it was just a normal step down, she still doesn't know what it means to do the toileting steps when given cues. Do we continue to give this expensive med or is it a waste of resources?....I'm not sure.... the med held her at a fairly function phase for 7 years.....and that is all we can probably hope for.

    - Renee

  • September 2, 2011 9:46 a.m.

    Lots of ANGER directed at the rest of my family that just don't get it and don't respond to requests for help with my AD brother who resides with me. I work full time - another brother is retired and my sister has summers off. It seems to be my 86 year old parents that offer and provide the most help but they don't even live in town. I am learning to ask for specific things from my siblings, "please pick up your brother at 1 p.m. on Saturday and take him for lunch and to the hardware store (which he loves)because I need a break for a few hours." Then I get ANGRY at myself because I just sit on my couch and enjoy having my house to myself - I am not being productive. And yes, I get ANGRY at answering the same question 30 times - have many different ways can I say it? One person posted here that she writes answers down on card, I'm going to try that - thank you. But I do realise that my bro's illness is not his fault! Yesterday I started attending a weekly support group for the caregivers of AD loved ones and it was good to not feel alone; but guess what, I have to take the afternoon off to attend - there are no evening support groups - then I get ANGRY because I now have to make up four hours of work that I've missed, and that creates a whole lot of other problems dealing with what is going on at home. WOW, is it ever good to get this ANGER out on this blog!

    - Kathryn

  • September 2, 2011 8:41 a.m.

    My husband was diagnosed with dementia/early alzheimers about 3 years ago. He is doing OK - depending on the day and how he has slept. One thing I am unsure of is how to deal with toileting issues. Unfortunately, he was recently found to have a UTI which has caused him a lot of distress - mainly in reaching the bathroom in time. How are other people dealing with the usual toileting issues associated with dementia? I'm trying to figure out the best way to keep him comfortable and able to care for himself in the bathroom. At this point I can't take him in our car because he needs very quick access to a bathroom. I would appreciate knowing what others are experiencing and how they are handling it.

    - Jeanette

  • September 2, 2011 8:32 a.m.

    Bless this website ! I care for my dad who has Alzheimers. The kicker is my mom, to which he would have been married 64 years this November, just passed away. He is dealing with Alzheimers, the loss of his wife & now anger. Mom & Dad live with me & I have cared for them for years - but how do I deal with moving dad into a home now after he has gone through so much ? Its just getting to be alot to take care of him - its like someone else posted.....a leaf...blowing in the wind - never know where you are going to land next

    - Patty

  • September 2, 2011 7:37 a.m.

    Our physician says Aricept and Namenda are useless after two or three years, and Risperidone started giving my wife Parkinson symptoms. They switched to Seroquel which calmed the aggressiveness, hallucinations, and fears. I have a BLOG on which I am trying to share my caregiver's experiences. You are invited to see it at http://myperfectwife.wordpress.com

    - Philip

  • September 2, 2011 7:00 a.m.

    "You take on difficult and unpleasant tasks and often feel unappreciated. You have little time for yourself and less time for friends and personal relationships. In addition, you often set unrealistic expectations for yourself and often believe it's a sign of weakness to ask for help, or believe that no one can do the job quite like you can." This describes me to a tee and I wonder how/why me? Why don't my sisters have to share this feeling also? I have been the primary caregiver out of amazing love and utmost respect for my dear, easy going mom who is now 86 years old. Our journey began about 15 years ago with fairly slow and steady progression of the dementia. She suffered a "light stroke" this summer therefore the assisted living facility could no longer care for her. She/we spent a month at a nursing home for rehab- a nightmare experience. Like leaving your child with a bunch of strangers you just don't trust. With many prayers, we were blessed to find a small private home close by with very loving caregivers and moved there this week. I am one of five daughters who by choice and committment assumes the majority of the responsibility, decision making, stress, emotions that goes along with caregiving. What's more important, I am one of five daughters who has had the priveledge, honor, bond, and steadfast love to see my dear mom through this unwanted, undeserved thing called dementia...and life is good again. Love you mom!

    - Lori

  • September 2, 2011 2:48 a.m.

    This is for Ingrid....I, too, had a problem with agressiveness that was abusive to me from my husband. I go to the dr with him so I can be there to answer any questions that he can't. I spoke to the dr about this and he prescribed 20 mgs of Celexa & he is a much nicer person. Please talk to the dr in your case and explain their behavior.

    - Virginia

  • September 2, 2011 1:13 a.m.

    My momma was diagnosed in 2005; we are now in the late middle to early late stages of Alzheimer's. I find myself somewhat like a leaf floating on the wind most days, not knowing where at the end of the day I will land, but, I have learned a lot through all of it and now recognize that when I'm feeling angry and flustered there has probably been a new change in Mom that I need to recognize. I pride myself in seeking out new solutions to new problems as they arrive. Yes, I still am angry at the reminder that she is slipping away a little more and usually angry at myself that I didn't recognize it sooner than I did, but somehow finding a new solution is a sense of renewed confidence in myself, that I can and will make it through this. Also, I lean heavily on my Savior’s arms most days!

    - Julie

  • September 2, 2011 12:59 a.m.

    I was just told that my sister (who has been my staunch supporter) wont be taking my Mom back w/her to Michigan when she comes for Mom's birthday. I was looking forward to the month alone with my sweet husband of 49 years who was diagnosed w/Alzheimers in 2003. He is declining rapidly & taking care of him & my 93 year old Mom is exhausting. He has started yelling at her which he NEVER did before. Thank God for my support group!!!! Some days I feel such anger & then cry at night when I am in bed. Neither of them can help the way they are I constantly tell myself but still I yell.

    - Barbara

  • September 1, 2011 10:13 p.m.

    Thanks to all who share their problems.It helps to know we are not alone with this miserable disease.My husband was diagnosed in 2004 with Alzheimers, and is now in the later stage.I try to be patient but it isn't an easy thing to always stay calm.I attend a caregiver meeting once a month.It is a great help.Hope others have access to help like this.

    - Joan

  • September 1, 2011 9:15 p.m.

    is it ok to give alzheimers patients xanax? my husband is getting angry. he doesn't sleep well at night. i tire of trying to keep him calm with carefully chosen words and with no abrupt movement which frightens him. he is so young to be placed in a nursing home. his type of dementia has only been guessed at. drs say the only way to really know is through an autopsy.

    - judy

  • September 1, 2011 9:06 p.m.

    Where can i get that booklet: Alzheimers and Anger-Pressure Points; That you are talking about in this blog. I get so angry sometimes really alot. I know my husband can't help it but I still get angry and Yell. I was diagnosed with breast cancer it will be 3 years in January I have been on Tamoxife ever since wich depletes my hormones so I think this makes it worse.

    - Vicki

  • September 1, 2011 8:48 p.m.

    this is all new to me...My husband was private but not silent majority of the time. Once in awhile he talks about something but the silence is something we all have to get used to with this disease. So I too keep busy with the usual household tidiness and play music or when he is sleeping I reflect on good memories and read something light in a magazine, make blueberry cobbler coffee and pray for everyone who is a caregiver to be blessed with a happiness that day!

    - Lee

  • September 1, 2011 8:43 p.m.

    Thanks to those of you that made comments about going to a support group and how it helps. I need to join a support group. My wife was diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia a little over 2 years ago. Then a few months after that she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. The lung cancer treatment (chemo and radiation) was extensive and exhausting, but she fought and survived and is cancer free today. Part of the cancer treatment was optional full brain radiation - she chose to have that as a precaution, and we all knew it would cause the dementia to progress. I can never tell for sure now what is affecting her - the extensive cancer treatment or the dementia, or probably both. She is fortunate to be here today after the cancer - all doctors tell us so. I try to be thankful for each and every day that we are both here; and remind her (and me) there are no guarantees for any of us. We have to take each day and appreciate what we have, although it can be very difficult for both of us at times. Thanks for this website.

    - Charles

  • September 1, 2011 8:23 p.m.

    I get angry and mad because I feel I have no time to myself. I love just sitting and doing very little sometime, but with my husband's AD it seem time for me is short in supply. I actually love the time when he goes to bed and I have the house to myself. There are morning where I wish he would just sleep a little longer, I love the mornings best; enjoy my coffee on the deck with the sun, birds and the quiteness of the neighbourhood.

    - Ilona

  • September 1, 2011 7:11 p.m.

    I care for my wife . She has been on aricept for 9 years and namenda for 6. I also get the same question 30 times in 45 minutes but she has another habit that is even harder to deal with. She gets up every morning complaining of pain in her stomach,throat and back of her neck. I get her to eat breakfast after much prodding.I take her to a local mall every morning for mall walking exercise. When we are mall walking she never mentions her 3 pains. After walking we go for a 30 to 40 minute car ride and then stop for a light lunch. All during the walk,car ride and lunch she never complains of any pain. Five minutes after we get home she is complaining of stomach pains again. She wants me to call a doctor or take her to the hospital. These pains will last until she is distracted by a visitor showing up or I can play 40's and 50's music from my Ipod. AS soon as the distraction is removed the pains start again. It is very difficult to keep her distracted 24/7. I know day care would be an option but she also has many, many fears and one of the most intense is her fear of strangers.

    - Norm

  • September 1, 2011 6:58 p.m.

    The main trigger for my anger/fear is when a new problem presents itself as the disease progresses. We can go along for many months on a relatively even keel , and then a new problem. I know from experience not to presume the problem is permanent the first time I see it....there are ups and downs, but in time it will become a more permanent part of who my husband is becoming....a new loss to adapt to. I don't always respond well the first time I see a new problem, but I now know from experience that I will figure it out, sometimes on my own and sometimes by reading or listening to what others have tried.

    - Lee

  • September 1, 2011 6:55 p.m.

    I wish there was a way we could communicate with each other as we seem to have so much in common one way or another. Is this possible. I get so depressed just thinking about the future. I am confined to do what I can for this person who is not the same person to whom I was married to years ago. Yet, he realizes his disease and tries to do what he can to help. It is a terrible diseas.!!!!

    - maureen

  • September 1, 2011 6:45 p.m.

    anger is depression turned inward! One recognizes what the emotion is. It is dealing with it in a way that doesn't effect the person whom you love./ Easier said than done!

    - maureen

  • September 1, 2011 6:23 p.m.

    Thank you for these comments from all of you. You help. My husband has AD and there are times because of his personality, now with AD, I want to run.Other times days are o.k. Like they say every person with AD is not the same.How true.Every day is not the same either.It's hard being a care giver most of times. Friends and family are where sanity is for me. They refresh me to deal with this thing called AD.

    - Angela C

  • September 1, 2011 6:01 p.m.

    Please comment on my post of 1 Sept. I have read about these meds and I wonder if they are of use. My wife has become very passive and quiet. She doesnt speal 10 words a day. Xde

    - Nick

  • September 1, 2011 5:55 p.m.

    The Dr, prescribed Namenda & Resperidone for my wife who is ill with moderate to severe Frontotemporal dementia. Your thoughs? Please , I have been in contact with you before and I appreciate your help and concern. Thank you

    - nick

  • September 1, 2011 5:49 p.m.

    This comment is for Ingrid. I care for my mother who has Alzheimers and have for while now. I also have 4 brothers who don't or won't accept that they have a role to play as well. My advice for you is to do the best you can, love your parents and take one day at a time. Things will unfold as they will and we as caregivers cannot prevent the future. Take care of yourself, laugh when you can and if you have a couple of good girlfriends to vent to let them be your listeners . I sometimes feel all alone also and overwhelmed with decision making and when I do I find something fun to do. Maybe with friends, my husband or maybe by myself, just remember to do something for yourself, You are important too.

    - Sue

Post a comment
Previous page Next page
  • Print

  • Share on:

  • Email

Advertisement


Text Size: smaller largerlarger