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    Angela Lunde

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  • Alzheimer's blog

  • Jan. 10, 2012

    Get a fresh start every day in lieu of making resolutions

    By Angela Lunde

48 comments posted

Alzheimer's Caregiving

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After writing this blog for several years now, it has become a very personal and beautiful thing for me. Sometimes I write based on my experiences with caregivers or my training from a variety of colleagues and mentors, but I always write from my heart — often putting words to struggles and challenges not only because they may resonate with you, but because many times they live within me as well. Thank you for allowing this to be a place of freedom. Welcome back and warm greetings to each of you in this new year.

Last week a friend asked if I made any New Year's resolutions. The idea of a resolution, a goal or promise of action seems, at first, exhilarating and exciting — a new challenge with the possibility of a better me in the end, right? Yet, for 2012, I choose not to set any resolutions. And not because there isn't room for improvement, that's for certain.

As I see it, resolutions are simply thoughts, judgments or expectations that we place within ourselves. And caregivers seem to hold an abundance of expectations about what they should or shouldn't do, act, feel or be. Almost by nature, unrealistic expectations seem to invade the minds of caregivers. And when these expectations aren't met, the result is usually an assortment of negative feelings.

On the other hand, by not setting a resolution we can release expectations and dissolve the negative energy that often follows them. So, for this year, instead of making a resolution, I decided to infuse daily intention into my life. Maybe you'd like to consider this as well.

Intention has some of the qualities of an agenda or goal, but with a broader lens and deeper well. It's about living more by being than by doing. Living each day with intention is to depart from that mindless way of simply doing what we've always done. It's to have a clear vision or mindset toward a new and more positive way of being or feeling and then to think, act and (most importantly) to believe that this is how it will be, or even how it can be right now. Remember, your mind believes what you tell it.

What does this all mean in a practical sense? I might suggest that each day you find a peaceful place, maybe before anyone wakes up or while you're in the shower. Then ask yourself, "What is my intention today?" Perhaps it is to live with more patience and less anger. So for that day you choose to behave, move, and speak more softly, you're less reactive, you practice deep breathing.

Or, maybe your intention is to listen more to your inner voice and say no when you need to and yes when it feels right. Your intention might be a daily affirmation to yourself that you're a good person, doing the best you can no matter how others make you feel (you may need to say this to yourself repeatedly throughout the day). Your intention may be to simply find joy or gratitude in something that day.

More often than not, you'll find that your intentions really do shape the day. When we set an intention we have a way of channeling our mind and our thoughts away from the negative and into spaces where comfort, joy and purpose reside.

I love what Helene wrote in a recent comment. She said, "Goodbye to a hard, hard year ... but, 'it is what it is' ... and, welcome to new energy, new strength, new confidence and new mindsets to face all the next challenges. As I write these words ... I wonder if I believe them, but I will keep affirming them for comfort to myself and to others."

But like any new habit, living with intention will take a willingness and practice. The best part though — with each intention, you get a fresh start every day.

48 comments posted

blog index

  • April 8, 2012 6:51 a.m.

    Thank you. I will start today trying to live with daily intentions.

    - Betty

  • March 8, 2012 3:07 p.m.

    It is so comforting to read all the loving comments. I have been looking for a support group and you all may just be it! There are so many people giving "good" advice when they have not been where you and I are. I do question if the medicines given to my husband are helping. He is taking Aricept 10mg and Exelon. He continues to haave memory issues, doesn't remember the chidren or grandchildren's names. He does continue to make me laugh; he talks to me, watches tv, talks to our son. I told him he puts all his imput into his blender and out comes a conversation which I don't have a clue what we are talking a bout. My mantra continues to be "do today, it is not tomorrow yet".

    - Jan

  • February 22, 2012 7:47 a.m.

    John, Thank you for sharing your story. How difficult it must be for you and your family. I found a link to a couple of articles that discuss the denial process of diagnosis and include ideas to approach. Best to you and your family as you walk this journey. http://www.caring.com/questions/telling-parent-they-have-alzheimers

    - Theresa

  • January 24, 2012 2:21 p.m.

    To Angela Lunde: I just stumbled across your blog -- I don't have anyone in my life, as yet, who has Alzheimer's. However, I must commend you for your heartfelt, soothing, and thought-provoking statements. Something tells me that you have an innate wisdom and kindness that must benefit all who know you and all for whom you care. You are a gifted individual and I will look for your comments more in the future. Best wishes for continued success.

    - Linda

  • January 23, 2012 8:36 a.m.

    Helen and I have been married 60 years. She turns 86 next month; I was 85 last month. My concern for her is that according to the posted markers, she shows symptyoms of dementia that are not yet severe enough for most folks to notice. Our two children - a daughter closeby and a son 100 miles away - are aware of the problem. Our daughter helps as much as she can by fairly regular weekend visits that help stimulate her mother. Our doctor has also been alerted, but has not yet given us a diagnosis or medication. Helen alos has high blood pressure but resists the doctor's prescried increasing medications. She says she had tried 30 of them all and reacted to them except for the one minor dosage of one she still takes. My question is: Should I tell Helen of our concerns for her dementia and refusing medical treatment and diagnosis.

    - John

  • January 21, 2012 4:17 p.m.

    I enjoyed Linda's comments about writing down clever and funny things her husband is coming up with and also that he can repeat the Lord's Prayer. My husband, 82, is the same! He also knows his multiplication tables! However, on Dec. 18, our lives changed when he finally injured his back during one of his falls and since then has been bedfast and incontinent - two weeks ago Hospice Care was provided - what a company of Angels! His Alz. is moderate in the later stages. I get very little sleep - he can't stand being incontinent and cannot walk or stand on his legs. He won't take "no" for an answer when I gently tell him it's okay - I've learned to be a nurse - I have all the supplies.....he becomes combative, even violent, trying to get out of the hospital bed - I've had to call the rescue squad twice to pick him up off the floor. I can fully understand his dilemma. In a way I can manage our daily life better since he's been bedfast - but it pains me to see him dependent on me for his bathroom needs - he was always so clean, courteous, and happy. He doesn't always know me. The nurses all love him - that helps!

    - Ginny

  • January 21, 2012 4:14 p.m.

    To Angela and Caregivers, I am writing some more information that may be of help to someone. My Husband's Psychiatrist ordered him to go to an 'Adult Day Care Center' for Socialization and structured Activities..He goes 3 days per week for 4 hours each day..To my astonishment, he loves it! He is high functioning,and loves to help others. The Center is structred and changes activiities every 30 minutes to keep them interested. I used to drive him, but he himself requested that I let him go on the Metro Mobility Bus! I had to request his Psychiatrist to fill in part of the form and I filled in the rest. When I received the Physician's part back, I forwarded both parts on to Metro Mobility for evaluation. It takes them about a month's time before you receive their decision. You request pick-up times, and they will then let you know when they will start. It has been a God Send for me! Thy also give them a Hot Meal or whatever they like for Lunch.My Husband likes to be with more Men in attendance, so as the Volume of men increases on the other days, he hopes to also attend. He is still capable of walking to his local Coffee shop and around the Neighbourhood. I took all his Jackets to the local Tailor and had her sew on reflective material, front and back.Also put a list of all his Medications and Family Telephone Numbers in each Jacket. I purchased a cell phone with large numbers for him. He does answer when I call him.I dont think he always would know how to make a call..Bye.

    - Kay.

  • January 21, 2012 3:30 p.m.

    To Angela and all the Caregivers, Thank you all for your comments.This is my first time writing.I have found all of your blogs helpful.I am 76,taking care of my 78 year old Husband who has progressive Dementia since around 2000.He has always had clinical depression,as long as I have known him.[We have been married for 47 years and it has not been easy.However that is what I signed up for when we took our marriage vows.] He would not admit this to his Doctor, who of course would not believe me. Eventually, when he was treated for Dementia in 2000, he finally was treated for Depression.He is on the usual medications plus high vitamin dosages as helpful by Dementia Studies.I try to live with intention, but some days are more difficult.He has a wonderful Psychiatrist now, who notified the DMV to give him a Driving test.He had a month to complete the Test and went about 8 times for the written test without passing, so his liciense was surrended. I told him I would take him as many times as he wanted to re-take the test but he seems to have accepted.'Still studies on and off but has not requested to go. He gave his car to one of the children who was having car problems, and I requested that they not return it. He does not appear to miss it.Anyone can order a person to be re-tested. All you have to do is go the DMV and fill in a special form.The DMV will send out the order.It makes it so much easier for you. They do not say who ordered it. Hope this helps. God Bless you all. Kay.

    - Kay.

  • January 20, 2012 9:57 a.m.

    Both of my parents live with us. They are 87 and 93. My husband, who is retired cares for them during the day, and I take over at 5:30 when I return from work. They both have moderate dementia. I really enjoy this website. My question is this...how can my husband make more time for himself during the day?

    - Mary

  • January 18, 2012 2:54 p.m.

    finishing my previous message: Blessings on all who share their thoughts and experiences here. It helps everyone who is struggling as a caregiver. I am interested in that cancer diet from the U of NV School of Medicine. Thank you again.

    - Linda

  • January 18, 2012 2:50 p.m.

    To all who post here, thank you! Angela, the idea of today's intention is wonderful and I've been doing that for several months already. My usual question in the morning is, "What can we do today, Lord, that will make this a good day for us?" My husband is in the early stages of the later stage of Alz.His personality can change from minute to minute; for the most part he is docile. He was on Aracept-I don't like that drug for the side effects.I don't believe it has been thoroughly tested even tho' it's been on the market for quite a few years. He actually settled down after we took him off of it.He was on it for 4 years and his Alz. progressed even then.I agree with him on things he says that I know are not correct; I want to encourage him to converse, even incorrectly. I know that music calms him; when he has trouble going to sleep I sing to him, sometimes he even joins in (can't carry a tune in a bushel basket), but the fact that he remembers the words to "You Are My Sunshine" is as good for me as it is for him! When we pray before he goes to sleep, he remembers the Lord's Prayer word for word -amazing! I'm most grateful too, for the fact that he takes care of his bathroom needs without accidents and that is the best. I can deal with most everything else. "One day at a time and it is what it is" are the two favorite sayings are our house. He says some pretty cleverly funny things and I've started writing them down to share with our children. Bl

    - Linda

  • January 18, 2012 2:47 p.m.

    To all who post here, thank you! Angela, the idea of today's intention is wonderful and I've been doing that for several months already. My usual question in the morning is, "What can we do today, Lord, that will make this a good day for us?" My husband is in the early stages of the later stage of Alz.His personality can change from minute to minute; for the most part he is docile. He was on Aracept-I don't like that drug for the side effects.I don't believe it has been thoroughly tested even tho' it's been on the market for quite a few years. He actually settled down after we took him off of it.He was on it for 4 years and his Alz. progressed even then.I agree with him on things he says that I know are not correct; I want to encourage him to converse, even incorrectly. I know that music calms him; when he has trouble going to sleep I sing to him, sometimes he even joins in (can't carry a tune in a bushel basket), but the fact that he remembers the words to "You Are My Sunshine" is as good for me as it is for him! When we pray before he goes to sleep, he remembers the Lord's Prayer word for word -amazing! I'm most grateful too, for the fact that he takes care of his bathroom needs without accidents and that is the best. I can deal with most everything else. "One day at a time and it is what it is" are the two favorite sayings are our house. He says some pretty cleverly funny things and I've started writing them down to share with our children. Bl

    - Linda

  • January 18, 2012 2:47 p.m.

    Thank You for making my day better!

    - DeLisa

  • January 17, 2012 11:35 a.m.

    Angela - haven't been on your blog for a long time - and seems whenever I come back I find your thoughts hit home to me - note to Nancy - how are you coping? Seems the stress while living with someone with (especially a spouse- my Dad & grandfather also died from Alzheimer's) AD is just as bad when they pass - I find myself going through the motions of living - like waiting to exhale! so - my intentions for today and everyday are to find JOY once again!

    - Mary

  • January 17, 2012 10:40 a.m.

    Angela, how about a fresh start every hour??? Thanks so much for this blog. I came on to read it, having just lost my temper and shouted at my husband. I felt the need to connect with others who are caretakers. My husband's dementia is progressing and we are slowly moving into a new phase, which is requiring more attention and help. I am in the process of cutting back on some of my outside activities for a while, partly to work at putting new routines and support in place. (Partly to take a good look at how I really want to be spending my time.) But my husband made a complaint to me about something which he has complained about for years and which I react to with annoyance every single time! The perfect opportunity for practicing patience and detachment! Instead of which I get annoyed and end up shouting. It's a hangover from a time past...both the complaint and my reaction to it. And the thing is, it is no longer really possible to have an argument with my husband. Sooo...time for this hour's fresh start!

    - Sue

  • January 16, 2012 8:44 a.m.

    Thanks Karen for your words of encouragement. It's easy to be fearful of the future. It has been one of the hardest things to have my mother not recognize me and continue to be a support to my 89 year old Father. How important to live in the moment, taking one day at a time, knowing that even in all this that our God is in control.

    - Gwen

  • January 15, 2012 10:06 p.m.

    Dad is giving me the gift of learning to live in the moment. That's all he has.... I'm learning to just be in the moment with him. Not to correct him. He can be right every time at this stage of life. If he thinks he is at the airport, OK--we're at the airport. How will we get home? My husband is coming to pick us up. If he asks me what I am going to do today and I'm tempted to tell him that it is supper time and the day is almost over-- I give myself permission to say "I'm going to read a book today." I don't need to correct him--and I don't need to correct Mom when she can't remember how to be in the moment with him. That's the gift I choose to give her. My intention is to be supportive, whatever that looks like. To be a source of peace and love in their home. To invite God into every conversation I have with them.

    - Karen

  • January 15, 2012 1:49 p.m.

    After reading only 1 page of comments, my heart and prayers goes out to all of you. I was a caregiver for over 20 years. First my father then my mother then my husband. The only thing that got me through was humor!!If you can find 1 thing to laugh about each day it helps. sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself but bring laughter into your life! God Bless w3fh3w

    - Nancy

  • January 14, 2012 4:18 p.m.

    On December 29, 2011, after 5 years of dealing with the progression of AD on my 83 year old father, we made the decision to admit Dad into a dementia unit at our local nursing home. The challenges and stress that plagued my mother day after day, hour after hour, even minute after minute took such a toll on her we were more concerned for her health then we were for my dad's. It was the hardest decision we have ever made, but it has turned out to be okay for Dad. He was on medication for anxiety when he was living at home, that he no longer needs in the nursing home. It is hard for us to see him in this facility that parallels daycare for toddlers, but he seems content there and he is always happy to see us come. I believe he still knows who we are and enjoys having us there and we always leave him on a loving positive note, hoping we have just made his day! He seems to live only in the moment, and we are so blessed to have the opportunity to make that moment in time good for him. More importantly, my mother can now resume her role as Dad's wife, she can visit him daily and just spend time with him and let him know she cares about him and loves him. I know that our experience doesn't work for everyone, but if sharing a little of our story helps even one caregiver to look into other possibilities, it may be better for your loved one as well as yourself.

    - Marie

  • January 14, 2012 3:08 p.m.

    If you think your loved one should no longer be driving, you are probably right and shouldn't wait for another accident. (2 years ago is a long time in the progression of dementia). Some doctors will tell their patients to stop or write a "prescription" for them to take a driving test. My husband's doctors would not help. even after he totalled his car. This astonished me because I thought doctors were committed to saving lives. Apparently they thought it would hinder their relationship!! Driving involves multi-tasking: judgements on when to turn, how to avoid collisions or cyclists swerving into traffic. Following maps and directions to a new destination are almost impossible and the general confusion even in finding the address impairs judgement. I guaranteed that I'd drive my husband anywhere he wanted to go, whenever he asked and that took the edge off his deep disappointment. It was still hard to remain firm. Good luck

    - Ella

  • January 13, 2012 11:55 p.m.

    Hi Joe, From my experience with my dad, it was the nurse from the hospital that told him he couldn't drive after his stroke. Yes, this was a very big shock to my dad and mum. Dad has never driven since, although there is no way now he could ever drive. He has dementia. So, maybe you could visit the doctor on your own first and speak to the doctor about your concern, and then go by his advice. If he recommends that your wife shouldn't drive maybe you could go to the doctor with her and allow the doctor to tell her, and see what happens from there. Good luck, I know it would be traumatic to lose a drivers license. My mum especially was devastated because my parents lost their independence because my mum never drove. Wishing you all the best. Rita

    - Rita

  • January 13, 2012 11:00 a.m.

    My wife has not been the best driver and had an accident about 2 yrs ago. She's now looking for us to get her a car and drive again. She has been experiencing memory problems for about the last 3 yrs. I dont know if her memory is the reason she had the accident or not. I am really concerned about how good she will be able to drive. Any ideas on how I can can get her to give up this idea.

    - Joe

  • January 13, 2012 7:49 a.m.

    The insight in this blog is very helpful. I'm almost too tired to read today; but it does help. My husband is declining more everyday- his pets do help in so many ways- the cats are very calming and the dog requires that he get exercise and care for him somewhat. The holidays were very hard- I was not handling things as well as I thought and my ulcer from 30 years ago acted up. I like the idea of intention rather than goals that must be met..

    - Chris

  • January 12, 2012 9:13 p.m.

    Hi ...and yes I agree...when we say goodbye though to the tough, tough year, somehow we hope that a day on the calendar will somehow usher in a new, easier year. After taking care of several ill family members for over 7 years now, I can tell you that I do NOT ever try to go that route anymore. January 1 brings with it all the joy and all the challenges that were with you on December 31. After giving up every single material thing I have in order to stay at home and care for my dear brother who passed away at the early age of 43 and my Mother who is living in the horrid last stages of this cruel and awful disease, I can tell you that this new year has brought to me giving up my home, finding a new home for me and my Mom, having surgery and trying to find work despite still needing to care for my Mom from 6pm to 8am. While I have and still do every day, look for opportunities to grow, have joy, bring joy to others and remind myself that I have done and am still doing the best thing I can for my Mother, who deserves nothing less. As I am watching my "youth" fade away...it is more difficult to have hope for the future. the pain and resentment I feel for family members who look the other way with their millions of dollars and tell me "they must look after themselves" so they don't end up like we did. Who tell me that I "can't do this, shouldn't do this" and of course, THEY WON'T do this...that is really the pain I feel. My intention now is t

    - KTB

  • January 12, 2012 8:23 p.m.

    Thanks so much for this article and the comments made by fellow caregivers. I thought i'm the only one feeling all this loneliness and tiredness of caring our loved ones who have this kind of illness. I feel so guilty whenever I tell my 82 year old mother she better join dad up there if she spills over her food. Many times I cry for mixed emotions- self pity,guilt, etc. But still with God's grace, i manage to cope against all the odds. Kudos to us all.

    - mel

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