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• December 30, 2012 10:25 p.m.

  I am heartbroken and grieving. I had a close relationship with one of my guy friends (I tend to be a tom boy). I told him my feelings and he understood, we were good friends still. I never knew if he liked me back, he sent me mixed feelings from kissing me, getting intimate with me, etc. (He said he would date me when he got to know me better). Around my birthday he announced to me that he was with another girl, one who he never really talked to. I was/am upset that it happened, I often blame myself and others, I ask my self ”what ifs” , etc. I go through periods of not eating, drinking to numb the pain, isolating myself from things that remind me of him. The other day I was in total hysteria/panic from running into them when I actually went out with a friend. I burned a journal I had for months that had my times with him. A lot of times I ask myself what I did wrong.

  - Emma

• December 20, 2012 9:48 p.m.

  I am heartbroken. My girlfriend Kristin who was a beautiful person in and out broke up with me. I was never so happy in my life. Then she basically said she needed some space. We were both dealing with loss of loved ones and I know she had issues. However, I just can't get over that she left me. Then I overreacted and drove her away even more. Now it's like I lost the best thing in my life and I feel like I will never be that happy again.

  - Johnny

• November 25, 2012 11:11 a.m.

  I appreciate the article and the opportunity, Dr. Creagan. Admittedly, I am horrible at accepting the loss of loved ones, recently having attended a funeral and being one of the few to cry - particularly because I related it to a previous family loss. I would welcome your thoughts on how losing people in life can perhaps be tied into a general fear of loss, whether it be other people or items, vs. having an OCD condition such as hoarding, perse. I for one tend to hang onto things and I would suppose people/relationships too. Maybe this is due to not having control over much else in life. I agree one never can forget someone they've lost and I think if we were able to more easily accept these major losses, we might fare better in letting go in other aspects of our lives - if tackling the big stuff is the place to start, that is.

  - Mary

• August 18, 2012 3:57 p.m.

  I recently lost my twin sister on June 2nd. It was a sudden loss and one that I am still struggling to come to grips with. Part of me is trying to "get back to a normal life" while the rest of me sits in a pool of sadness and tears that feel like they are never going to end. I am currently a Junior in college and am going to be writing my next paper on grief and loss. I will be writing it from the medical perspective as well as from my own personal experience. It is the hardest thing I have had to do, and it's killing me inside.I am hoping though, that with this paper it will allow me to cry and mourn as I write and help me get it all out and ease some of the pain I feel inside. I never expected this to happen and it can be hard for others to relate to me bacause they have not been through what I am going through myself. I only hope that with time, I will heal a little more each day and welcome your articles on grief and loss as a useful tool for my own research. Thank you for sharing your stories.

  - Cindy

• March 12, 2012 1:08 a.m.

  I just lost my dear mother. We lived together she was at end renal stage. she went to dialysis three times a week for 3 years. She had Congestiove Heart Failure, I miss her sooo much, I have lots of regrets. I wish I would have told her I was sorry for getting mad at her the night before she was rushed to the Hospital. I hurt everyday and have high anxiety. I don't know how to deal with so much pain. My siblings stopped talking to me. If u have suggestions I appreciate it. thank u

  - Olga

• February 7, 2012 10:06 p.m.

  Dear Dorothy and Mary - I am so glad each of you took the time to reach out and express your feelings. Besides losing my only grandbaby last year, I lost my husband in 2001. He died suddenly too, just like yours, Dorothy. I wanted to die too and asked Jesus to take me too, but He knew my needs better than I did. A few months after my husband's death I began to hope in small steps at first. Day by day my hope was a little brighter. I learned to hold my kids tighter, laugh with them more, and treasure each of their uniquenesses.I appreciate people more, and have more compassion for what they might be feeling. Mary - I can tell you from personal experience that a blood clot can form very fast and move through the body undetected, even to the most highly trained doctors. And blood clots move faster in children than in adults. I know you might feel a little justification in being angry at the doctor that treated your daugther, but I'd bet any doctor would have, unfortunately, missed it. I hope you can let go of some of your anger and consider that your daughter's doctor feels her loss almost as much as you do. People become doctors because they have the capacity to have compassion, intelligence, empathy and common sense, all at the same time. As I mentioned in my previous note, I encourage each of you to find a grief share group or any grief support group. you don't have to endure this alone. They will embrace you - and God will bless both of you.

  - Roberta (again)

• February 7, 2012 6:11 p.m.

  Funny that you begin with you don't know how many people read blogs. I wondered that same thing when I was desperately looking for some understanding and support when my grandbaby died in September. I keep a journal, so if I can't find anyone to talk to, at least I get the thoughts out of my head. Another recommendation I have is if you can find a Grief Share group in your area, I highly recommend them. Go to griefshare.com to find one. You will be surrounded by people who know exactly what you are going through and will have a safe place to express your feelings and gain new insight how to manage your grief, and friends to help you heal. I lost my husband 10 years ago. Last September, my only grandbaby died. I know what you are going through. You are forever changed.

  - Roberta

• January 30, 2012 7:26 p.m.

  I wonder how many people really do read blogs to see if someone else is dealing differently with grief and loss. I almost lost my father in a tragic accident in 2010, he fell from a barn roof while trying to patch it, the ladder stays snapped and he fell nearly 20 ft. Both of his lungs collapsed. It was a long recovery of nearly 8 weeks, followed by additional surgery because they thought they saw cancer-thankfully was not. This surgery to remove part of one of his lungs was followed by the miscarriage of my baby..and less than two months later the tragic death of my baby sister. I can not tell you how compounded grief feels but I don't wish it on anyone. It saddens me to say that not many are understanding when it comes to grieving and allowing a person time to heal.

  - Anon

• January 28, 2012 8:10 p.m.

  I lost my 16 yr old daughter Makayla Nov 27,2011. She was sick for 3 wks then admitted to a childrens hospital in SLC,UT 5 hrs from where we live. Makayla had ditated cardiomyopathy from a virus that attacked her heart, she was doing good when the primary doctor taking care of her let a blood clot go to her brain and she died. I am sooo angry i have a hard time trusting any one any more. How can a health care provider do this to a child that still had so much life to live. It eats at my stomach every day to know that she is still practicing med. The first week after Makayla passed away i went back to work and i drive a truck for a living,i tryed to drive the truck off a cliff and i heard my daughter tell me "no momma you need to stay with daddy and bubba they need you" ever since then i remember what Makayla said and i cry, i just want to be with her because a mother is supposed to take care of there children and i don't feel there is anyone taking care of her, and that she is all alone with out me. My husband and i had Makayla cremated and she is at home with us, i walk past her picture and i just cry and tell her i'm sorry for letting her down because i didn't do enought to protect her from that doctor that we trusted to take care of our little girl. I'm sorry Mic mommy let you down, and i will be with u soon.

  - Mary

• January 27, 2012 9:40 a.m.

  I lost my husband suddenly this December 2011. somehow every breath I take reminds me of him...he was my everything from the time I was a young teenager. we did everything together and were never apart! This has become the most empty, dad moments in my life and I cry all day long..it just comes! days I feel that I don't want to go on and just join him. I can no longer hold his hand (that always drew shivers down my spine) or hug him and feel his warm lips as he said goodbye to me going to work or to the store. these are places that I can no longer even pass by....I go other ways to avoid the pain! My day is spent grieving and cryin g and I try to stop and it doesn't happen! I feel that I am making myself sick and worry my children...I don't eat because he is not at the table and the food won't go down. I know I need help with this loss but am not ready to share my life with strangers...I guess this will come in time!

  - Dorothy

• January 26, 2012 3:53 p.m.

  Hi Dr. Creagan, I am your patient, the one from NJ. Remember me?Thanks to you and Dr. McCaffrey, I am now 21 years old (east coast humor)? I lost my husband to the result of injuries he sustained in a violent car accident 11 years ago. Your kind words at that difficult time remain with me on a daily basis. "Find a place to put your sorrow" you suggested; I wrote a poem, it helped. You have a copy. I remember my dear husband everyday, sometimes with a tear, other times with a smile, one is never gone unless forgotten. My husband lives in my heart and memory. I see him daily in the faces of my children and grandchildren, little souls who share his many characteristics. The loss of a parents is deep, you become an orphan, w/or without siblings. The loss of a spouse is profound, the world changes forever, you are forever separated by a breath and a heartbeat. Best wishes, your care and compassion has been a gift.

  - Sandra

• January 26, 2012 10:45 a.m.

  I too have suffered many losses in my life. My childhood sweetheart passed at an early age; I lost my high profile career to serious illness at 36; the loss of parents, friends way too early. We who remain behind or stricken have a choice to either live life well or be crippled by our plights. The loss of a loved one is so great & unbearable. However, that loved one would want us to carry on and live life fully, as we would want for them, should it have been us. Loss can be learned from~it can make us aware of "today" and the special gifts around us, right now. It can be put in a place that acknowledges our pain, yet we can choose to wearve it into our new life and move forward. You never forget, perhaps put it in perspective. I say, Take the loss and make something good out of it. Sail in a new direction fearlessly & realize we all come to the same conclusion some day; live life well. Share your goodne4ss and love with those that remain. Set your sights on new directions and being there for others. We don't leave those behind, we take them with us and share the gifts they bestowed upon us, with those around us right now. Use your life well and earnestly. We all have a duty to live well, with each new day. Strive to be happy, caring and loving.

  - R. Hope

• January 26, 2012 10:28 a.m.

  I lost my Nephew (Chris) Dec. 2010. I miss him with all my heart. This was my sister son he was only 21 yrs.old.My sister is so sad its so hard to reach her. she goes to her sons grave everyday and cry. I beleive in the Jesus with all my heart. I wish there was something I could say that would help. Maybe in time the love she use to have for me will return.

  - Marilyn

• January 26, 2012 2:35 a.m.

  Thank you, Dr. Creagen, for this forum. Loss has been my companion for a long time. I am 65 and contracted polio when I was a year old and due to that I did not have a "normal" experience as a child due to crutches, etc. I have experienced divorce, and lost my second husband in a fire. There have been other losses along the way. More recently I was laid off my job, my son went missing in a scuba diving accident in the ocean (his body was not recovered) and I underwent hip replacement surgery due to a malformation of the acetabulum and femoral head,probably a result of the polio. I have recently had so much pain with disc problems in the T7 and T8 spine. The worst stress has been related to the death of my son. My experience has been that the multiple losses have compounded my healing on several levels. It has taken a lot of energy,and mental and emotional work to get through each day. Web sites, such as this, have been a blessing. I can log on at any time and connect with the experiences of others. Thanks to all who have shared here.

  - Maria

• January 25, 2012 9:57 p.m.

  I am so thankful for this article. My husband of 48 years died April 15, 2010. I then lost my home in Sept. 2011 and had to start staying with my children. It has been really hard. The greiving for my husband was hard. I am just know realizing my life has changed for ever. It is also hard for me because I am a very organized person and now I have to live out of a suit case as I travel between my two childrens homes. I long for my former life when my husband was alive and I had my own home. I also had to leave my friends and church family. But I am a surviver and I know I will make it with Gods help. My thoughts are with all the people who posted comments not matter what their loss is.

  - Ineca

• January 25, 2012 8:49 p.m.

  Nobody has mentioned the loss experienced by aging. Not only is your self-worth diminished, but every loss brings back your previous losses, even beloved pets. I lost my mother and husband 15 months apart and have no other relatives. I feel so alone and incompetent at 83 years of age. I have always felt confident in my competence, and have lost that--another loss.

  - Nadine

• January 25, 2012 5:13 p.m.

  Lots of comments on this important subject. I see how many cope by counting their blessings, turning to family and friends and helpful blogs for information and help. Also important to remember is that helping others gets your mind off yourself and wards off depression, as well as makes one realize there is always someone worse off than you. I personally have found help in a spiritual director to talk with, who helps direct my thinking in a better way when I am not thinking as clearly as I should be.

  - carol

• January 25, 2012 2:50 p.m.

  Having walked my parents through their illnesses and subsequent deaths, then facing the illness and hospitalizations of my husband and soul mate, I find that even 4 years after his death, I encounter grief when I enter the Gonda building and St. Marys hospital. Yesterday, when I had to go to the ER as a patient, I found myself overcome with grief again in the very place that I had accompanied all my loved ones. I handled it by calling a close friend who came to sit with me. The ER staff seemed to take it in stride although I'm sure they were baffled at first since the tears of this woman didn't fit the situation.

  - Karen

• January 25, 2012 2:27 p.m.

  At age 60, I've lived long enough to experience several traumatic losses. I lost my dad in a car accident when I was 4, and for the loss of that relationship, I've grieved the might have beens. I lost my mother in 2007 at age 84 after a long illness. She was both mother and father to me, and I grieve for all she meant to me throughout my life. In 2008, I lost my home and most of my personal possessions in an unexpected flash flood. I grieved for lost things after that for awhile...and appreciated all the people who understood that grief. I was glad to have survived a disaster,but I needed time to grieve for the baby books, personal letters, and other things that were lost to me forever. But healing comes after loss, and as you stated, you have a new normal. I've experienced gifts from all my losses. The gift is there, but it's not immediate.. sometimes it takes years to understand what it is. I believe I am a more compassionate person because of my losses. Most of all, I think it's important to be a good listener and sounding board to anyone who's experiencing a loss. My heart goes out to all who have posted here, especially those of you who have lost children.

  - Sharon

• January 24, 2012 4:46 p.m.

  I lost my only son Albert in a car accident on May 4, 2011. No words can describe the tremendous heartache this has brought to our lives-so unexpected, so sudden I had just seen and spoken to him saw his beautiful smile only an hour or so earlier. He fell asleep on his way home 2 miles away. I have been told that he will come to me and tell me he is okay to give some peace but I really believe people shouldn't give false hope it only hurts more when you wait and wait. I know I loved him with all my heart and soul and every fiber of my being but his spirit is from my life. Please I urge everyone to please tell, write, show the person you Love that you LOVE them with all your heart before you never see them again. The recurrence of his memories and the heartache without him will always be a part of my life but i will find ways to deal and keep his heart and spirit alive whenever i have chance in truth. I truly believe grieving deserves truth and what to expect when someone dies-no made up stories or andedotes to us feel better the truth is it is hard to find our lives without them. To my son with love, mom debra

  - Debra

• January 24, 2012 1:45 a.m.

  I lost my fiance, soul mate, in a traggic car accident November 5, 2006. The man who never came home late, was an hour late getting home and while I was sleeping, I had a dream that he came home and was injured. He kept saying that he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt me. He wouldnt tell me what happened. I looked out the window and his car was parked in the yard and wrecked. I turned back to look at him and I saw nothing. He was gone. I woke up and it was 10:10 AM. He should have been home by 9am at the latest. He had fallen asleep, wrecked and burned to death. The dream is burned in my memory. Every dream afterward was a reunion. He said he had only been gone days, but he had been gone months or years. I rarely dream of him but our songs, everyday from june 23 when we met to Nov 5 I relive our moments together. Every November morning is a stare in to space. The way the sun came in the window. The smell of the flowers at the funeral. The sound of his car. Everything even this long afterward, is a constant reminder. Affection makes me nautious. When I get a kiss I close my eyes and pretend its him. I miss him more than anyone could ever imagine. I am not a boohoo person yet I cry everyday for him. Im harsh and mean now. I have bottled up anger. I cant find any guy Im happy with because they arent him. I am happy with my life and my beautiful kids and I focus on them and providing for them. This is what gets me through everyday...Counting my blessings

  - Karissa

• January 23, 2012 8:32 p.m.

  Would you kindly make suggestions for someone who has been the victim of identity theft? This happened to me by an employee at a local doctors's office a year ago...cyber crime police traced it to the doctor's office and employee. She has been a criminal for 21 years and never changed her behavior...I am now done with the final trial locally, and now the judge tells me to charge the doctor because the MD commented to me that she was giving her a new chance by hiring her. This identity theft has caused my family much stress, money, and will follow me the rest of my life with costs associated with having my social security number, drivers license, medicare number plus my medical record, phone, e-mail someplace in the world. STRESS! This is so common today but usually does not occur at a doctor's office. The criminal knew I was disabled and in my 60's. Today there is not cure for my disease but I am so fortunate to have treatment that works for me and have a good disease support system. Good that has developed from this experience is that I am beginning to participate in meetings on Senior Criminal Information given by the local Area Agency on Aging by their senior criminal advocates. The support I have been given by these advocates, my Congressman's office, and my primary doctors I will always be grateful for. No one knows until one experiences identity theft how it overwhelms your life...it's pure stress! State laws need to change. l Please help us with your comments.

  - Elizabeth

• January 22, 2012 4:14 p.m.

  Yes, I would agree with you totally...loss is loss and keeps on coming! Thank all the families, friends, caregivers, and my doctors at Mayo for their continual kindness and support for all the grief I have experienced in the last 10 years to date. I have been so blessed by their care! Somehow I was born into a family and in an era when caregiving with family members was part being a family and a loving responsibility. Thank God I chose a husband who felt the same way...we were there for our grandmother, uncle, mother and father. This is just a natural way in my heart and I could not have lived any other way. My cousins from my mother's sister are exactly the same in their dedication to their parents. They are there 24/7 whatever happens. As a gerontologist, I have seen dedication of family members, denial, no visits, no communication from family and friends, and all of whatever when one enters a CRC for illness or for retirement. One wonders why, how, the time in history, or who knows why some family members disconnect when disease hits their parents or friends? I have been the caregiver for my husband now for 10 years and have had to quit 2 jobs because of the responsibilities of the caregiving, and up and down of the disease. His two adult children in their 60's do not go out of their way. Loss is so much easier when shared with loved ones. Actually, my team of doctors express more caring and understanding to me. They are my rock for all of the continual losses!

  - Dystonia Hat Lady

• January 18, 2012 9:35 p.m.

  Hello Dr Creagan, What a timely blog. recently, my wife and I decided to part ways. That's a loss that's feeling much like what you describe. Last week, my mother passed away. I now discover that this business of having good and bad days can also be measure in minutes when the loss is fresh . At this time, I have precious few good minutes, until my mother comes to mind again. Tough times, for sure. Stressful to say the least, but I also have my kids, my little brother and my Dad to think of, so that keeps me focussed on tasks. I think that's a good thing.

  - Alain

• January 18, 2012 8:37 p.m.

  This really helped me today and I thank you. My dad committed suicide after attacking me five months ago. I suffer from a couple mental disorders besides, so I ended up in the mental hospital for two weeks. So I'm pretty much having the worst time of my life. Until today I have been striving to get 'back to normal' again, and reading this has really made my day. Now I feel free to just let myself adjust the way I need to, not to regain the exact normalcy that I had before. Thank you again so much.

  - Kerri