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    Sheryl M. Ness, R.N.

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  • Living with cancer blog

  • Feb. 21, 2012

    Tips for cancer survivors on dating, new relationships

    By Sheryl M. Ness, R.N.

12 comments posted

Living With Cancer

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Let's talk about dating as a cancer survivor. Entering into a new relationship can be a challenge with or without a cancer diagnosis. Dealing with the emotional and physical changes that may have come with your cancer diagnosis can add to the situation. Many people find that dating after a diagnosis of cancer can be a much different experience than before a cancer diagnosis.

A few of the challenges might be:

  • Dealing with physical changes from effects of surgery or treatment
  • Living with fear of recurrence
  • How to tell someone new that you have a cancer history
  • Fear of a negative reaction
  • Changes in fertility
  • Sexual intimacy concerns

However challenging this is, you may also find that you have positive changes that may impact new relationships. These may include:

  • A new sense of knowing exactly what you want and need from a relationship
  • An appreciation of time spent with others
  • A renewed interest in establishing a long-term relationship with a life partner

You may be interested in dating again, but concerned about the first steps in meeting someone new. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Get involved in social activities in your community — taking that first step is important (art and music events, group outings, festivals, sporting events, etc.)
  • Talk to other survivors about their experiences with dating
  • If you have emotional concerns that have not been addressed, connect with a counselor or peer support group to work through any negative emotions and fears
  • Explore ideas on how you might communicate your history of cancer to a new person — practice with a friend who knows you well

Please share your experiences, ideas and thoughts on this topic with each other.

Follow me on Twitter @SherylNess1. Join the discussion at #livingwithcancer.

12 comments posted

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  • May 7, 2012 8:49 p.m.

    I just recently met a man and he had his prostate removed - he had cancer of the prostate. I like him and he is a real gentleman It is only 7 weeks after his operation, Dr's have taken blood and it looks like he's pretty well out of the woods. Obviously this could be many months down the road, but I was just wondering if a man can have a reasonable sex life after having his prostate removed because of cancer - I wouldn't know where else to ask this question. If someone can answer it would be appreciated.

    - christine

  • May 2, 2012 5:40 p.m.

    My wife and I walk the MOA 4-5 times a week, and have watched you grow there. We have also been gtenitg our medical care at Mayo-Rochester for the last 5 years; and it's worth every inch of the drive there from the Twin Cities!First, whatever you offer at MOA, please make absolutely sure that the culture, ethic, and standards of Rochester are maintained. I know of no medical facility in the metro area that chooses to match the Mayo Model. (Those who have not experienced it, probably are wondering what the heck I am talking about . I can assure them, from experience, it is a far better healthcare experience. Mayo just has far more resources, and attracts a different breed of healthcare professional and I mean that in a very positive way.)Second, allow your new patients in the metro to understand how Mayo is different. Allow them to know the history. Allow them to know about the accomplishments. Allow them to know about the medical school, the research, the endowments, and especially allow them to know that Mayo operates through the Mayo Foundation, to which thousands of people voluntarily donate to the ongoing mission of healthcare as it should be. So many donate because of the quality of superior care they receive. It's that simple.And last (at least for now), just keep doing what Mayo does best: Providing the World's Best Healthcare! And by the way, THANK YOU for helping me when others couldn't or wouldn't.

    - Auth

  • April 26, 2012 11:35 a.m.

    I am glad this topic is being discussed. I am a breast cancer survivor for 5 years now. I am divorced with 2 adults kids. I was in a relationship for 2 years, until I discovered accidentally that my wonderful boyfriend was dating another women and would not leave me out of pity for my condition. I left him but still,I don't know how to deal with that very hurtful situation and how to avoid it in the future. Any thoughts you can share? Love to you all

    - ellen

  • March 22, 2012 5:33 a.m.

    That was great but i also want to know about the precautions for avoiding cancer.

    - No name given

  • March 9, 2012 1:08 a.m.

    This is an excellent approach.. Great..

    - Davepoll

  • February 29, 2012 7:54 a.m.

    A few have asked about a dating site for people with cancer. I did some research and found that CancerMatch has a good site (http://www.cancermatch.com/). The creators of the site saw the need for a site like this after attending a LiveStrong Summit. The site is not endorsed in any way by Mayo Clinic, but seems to be a great way to meet others who have been touched by cancer.

    - Sheryl

  • February 23, 2012 8:08 p.m.

    I agree with Elsa and Sandra. I have been divorced for 3 years and Cancer free now for 1 year. I live in a very small town with very little activities to do so I would also love to see a dating site we could go to in order to meet some gentlemen.

    - Cheryl

  • February 23, 2012 6:36 p.m.

    Reading this made me appreciate my wife of 43 years. (Don't ask me what led me to this article about dating. As a cancer survivor, I'm just interested in reading all I can from the Mayo Clinic.) Good luck to everyone!

    - Bob

  • February 23, 2012 2:09 p.m.

    I have been a long time cancer survivor. Cancer patients understand each other. Mayo Clinic should offer an opportunity for patients looking for relationships to meet. Many people would join!

    - Elsa

  • February 23, 2012 1:47 p.m.

    My approach is to be as matter-of-fact as possible. I had ano-rectal cancer, and I now have a colostomy. To me, it's just an alternative way of getting rid of bodily waste: I use irrigation, and I do it from my abdomen through a plastic sleeve once every three days. In between, I just wear a credit card size patch over my colostomy, and if I go swimming, I let it show. People probably wonder how I came to scratch myself in that place and need to wear a plaster; if they ask, I tell them. The bigger problem is probably the effect of the high dose radiotherapy that was used fifteen years ago. This killed all the nerves around my pelvis and thighs, but to the amazement of my surgeon, these started regrowing after about six years, and now after fifteen years they are more or less back to normal. Nevertheless, I would hasten to explain that when it somes to sex, I would still need understanding, and gentle encouragement. Then of course I encounter the fundamental problem, that I am a very active 80 year old, and those who are active don't want someone my age, and those who want someone my age aren't that active. I sometimes think I can't win!

    - Adrian

  • February 23, 2012 1:43 p.m.

    Good morning Sheryl. Can you refer me to dating sites geared towards people with Cancer? I would greatly appreciate it.

    - Sandra

  • February 23, 2012 1:16 p.m.

    I was diagnosed with leukemia shortly after starting a new relationship. He has been a rock. The very person I had searched for my entire life and I don't know what I would do without him! He faced my new diagnosis with the courage and strength I needed to see and feel at the time. If nothing else, I know I have a man that will stand by me know matter what, and it feels wonderful!

    - Carol

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