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• March 7, 2013 3:05 p.m.

  One of the things I've done for self care is go to my therapist. She has helped me since my fathers death 3 years ago. My aging mother is 86 years old and has always been very abusive. Her abusive personality is becoming more abusive. She is so very sweet, kind and looking to help others who are not her family. This is characteristic of Intimate Partner Abusive and toxic relationships. She is strong and controlling and has tantrums to get her way. I am in a tenuous position. She exaggerates when we gesture, behaving as if we are hurting her. Appearances make it look like she is being abused although there are no bruises, marks or scratches. I fear being set up with elder abuse at some point in the future. These issues are being brought up in therapy. However, my therapist recently brought up the issue of having my mom move out of my home. I told my therapist in no uncertain terms that I will not be the daughter who kicks her mom out of her home. My culture (Mexican), my faith (Christian/Catholic), my guilt being the uber responsible middle child of four and the fact that my siblings all live far away. I was the one who never moved away. I am conflicted because I survived a 25 year abusive marriage. I have been working hard on my psychological health. My therapist recently stated that I had to choose between my culture and my psychological health. I do not agree. I do understand the issues are complicated. Do you have any suggestions?

  - Mara

• December 26, 2012 3:27 p.m.

  have him move home and start over. once resdency established he will get your state help, ev. state has different state laws. then you can advise him and save your money more, he must start over. things do work out if pursued. chin up.

  - sandy

• September 20, 2012 11:48 a.m.

  My husband and I are 76 and 77 and our only child is a 38 y.o. son. He lives on one coast & we live on another. In '08 our gay son was laid off. He was able to get into graduate school. His partner of 10 years recently walked out on him leaving him with the bills, a house and mortgage. Our son also found that the partner had borrowed on my son's car which was then repo'd. The ex was fired from his job at the same time for theft and then bankrupted which forced our son into bankruptcy. The partner's three cats are being flown to us as the house is being foreclosed. If our son could graduate from his program he should have a bright future but he is severely depressed and is barely hanging in there financially and mentally. We've bought him a used car, paid some of his bills and generally helped him keep his head above water. He has also been diagnosed with a chronic kidney problem. We have a modest income from pensions & savings and are afraid of going under ourselves. Our son had never asked for help and worked his way through college. He was recently refused food stamps because he is not working 20 hours a week. He has a part-time job but isn't called to work enough. He is given a very small amount of food from the food bank every two weeks but can get all the the bread he wants. We are 10 months into the situation of an adult child , who was formerly self sufficient & supportive of us now being homeless. severely depressed and without resources.

  - Annie

• September 20, 2012 1:43 a.m.

  All of these comments have helped me realize that I'm not alone in this 'perfect storm'. My life was blessed with a wonderful husband, 2 wonderful children, and stability. Until the last 4 years, we were blessed to be able to help others who needed moral support or had other needs. Then everything changed. My husband lost his job of 24 years. Has not been able to find employment due to being over-qualified and in his 50s. We have gone thru all of our retirement, experienced problems with our family and now have just moved in my parents who think they can still take care of themselves and need no help although we brought them home from the hospital with the understanding that they would live with us have someone with them 24/7 and all meds would be under lock and key and administered to them only as prescribed due to my mother's long time addiction to prescription meds and habit of overmedicating herself causing even more life-threatening problems.The loss of control of their meds and some of their business is causing a terrible struggle. On top of that, they have no money but make just enough social security to not qualify for any assistance. The stress is suffocating ! I am having very difficult health issues myself and could not even survive all of this without the awesome support of my husband and kids but we are all so stressed ! We just need a glimpse of light at the end of this long tunnel !

  - Lynn

• June 20, 2012 3:02 p.m.

  I have similar situations in my life at the moment. Self care is so important...One of my favourite quotes is Success and good health are blessings, Failure and illness teach us humility and patience... therefore they are blessings too. I say this every day to remind me all the lessons I learn everyday from very difficult circumstance.

  - sarah

• April 26, 2012 12:09 p.m.

  Loretta's comment that "even the grieving takes energy" is really resonating with me, as are so many of these other wonderful comments and suggestions. I am 48 with 12 and 14 year old boys and an 89 year old Mom. I do have three siblings in the area, but they and their spouses are aging, too. The most helpful suggestions I see here are: rely on your faith, take time for yourself, accept outside help. The Office on Aging suggestion is fantastic. Thank you to the person who suggested setting limits because I have felt like a big meanie for doing that. I really think my Mom is to the point where she is not able to make even simple decisions and my siblings all tend to get into a big debate each and every time about "what's best for Mom". Recently, I have started putting my foot down and just telling everyone that I don't really have time or energy for all the Mickey Mouse and I am surprised by how that has been effective sometimes. I am trying to involve my boys and they are pretty receptive. If I take the time to exercise, I am able to sleep better. I truly think all of you are unsung heroes and I believe we are the Lord's hands here on earth. God Bless you all.

  - Jane

• March 18, 2012 11:13 a.m.

  I've got this pretty bad. My 36-year-old wife of 12 years had a Severe TBI; now has epilepsy, diabetes, global aphasia, cognition of a 8-year-old, and the emotions of a 12-year-old. We have three children; 9, 7, and 4 that attend an online charter school due to the rough area and lousy public schools. I was disowned by my abusive parents and relatives, and written out of the wills because I won't seek a damaging divorce. They are seeking to take our kids via courts, but the courts sided with us. In-laws do help some, but not much as they have interests and lives to live also. And my job has knocked me down to part-time. Getting assistance is a pain in the neck here in Utah due to scam artists, fraud problems, politics and economic issues. Assistance for families like ours is more of a well-meaning gesture. A nurse comes M-F for one hour as that's all Medicaid Disability will cover. We got my wife SSI, but not full disability and our case is still in appeal after several months. It's pretty much just me trying to keep the family going. I've come down with severe depression and all that comes with it along with several other problems from an abused childhood. The Church has decided to try and help, so that's good. But keeping our trust in God, growing our food gardens and orchard, keeping some urban livestock, and building needed items and trying to do as much as we can by ourselves is what is keeping us afloat right now. "Perfect storm" indeed.

  - David

• February 25, 2012 1:02 p.m.

  My husband and I are full time caregivers for my 92 year old mother in law with dementia, PAD, and hearing loss. She has two non-healing wounds on her foot and has had two failed bypass surgeries in her leg to fix that. Both new veins collapsed. There is nothing more they can do. She doesn't want to have a leg amputation so now it is just a matter of time before she will get sepsis or something worse. We do have a wound care nurse 2x/week. That helps some. While we do not have children at home, we have 5 children and 16 grandchildren who all live long distance and it is so hard to see them very often. We stay in touch with Skype when we can. Meanwhile, my husband had emergency open heart surgery 3 months ago to replace his Aortic valve and now has 3x/week Cardiac Rehab. I have 3 degenerative disks in my lower back and do PT. Our "patient" has lost interest in living and wants to sleep all the time. She is very reluctant to take short walks, eat right, etc. Some days are such an uphill battle. We have a very hard time carving out time for "us". It can be exhausting to repeat so much over and over. Your Mayo Clinic newsletter is a big help.

  - Elizabeth

• September 26, 2011 8:50 p.m.

  Can someone please tell me what families did during the 50, 60 time period when parents became ill. Was there more support from families and friends and churches.

  - Deana

• September 9, 2011 10:42 p.m.

  Dr. Creagan, you described this stress so well! My mother has Parkinson's Disease and as a family we are determined to take care of her here at our home. I am single with no children but my brother, his wife and teenage daughter live with myself and my mother. The stress can become almost unbearable at times. I myself am bi-polar; my sister-in-law has Fibromyalgia, and my brother works full-time at our local city government building. I would say to anyone who finds themselves in this "perfect storm" to, number 1: have an active spiritual/prayerful life! We have found that we need power greater than our own to be successful as loving caregivers. Number 2: Keep the lines of communication open. Have family meetings even if it's just a few moments here and there. Number 3: Call on other family members, friends, etc. to step in and assist if someone cannot carry their end of the load temporarily. Number 4: Have respect for your loved ones feelings at all times and for your fellow care-givers. None of these suggestions make it easy but it does make it go smoother and bearable! Thank you Mayo Clinic for having caregiver articles. This is also a great help.

  - Peggy

• August 19, 2011 12:14 p.m.

  Dr. Creagan. Having read some of the other posts, please ignore mine. May the Lord bless you in your work and give you knowledge and wisdom. my Dad was a family doctor so I appreciate what you are doing. One thing though. don't forget to spend lots of time with your wife and children. Bless you and good bye. Andrew.

  - Andrew again

• August 19, 2011 12:01 p.m.

  Edward. I never heard of the Sandwich Generation ‘till just now. Aged 53, my mother very kindly took me back into our old family home when my marriage fell apart. As I defended myself against allegations of domestic violence, child molestation pedophilia and so on and when the police closed my business to remove my computers for investigation, she didn’t blink. I lost count of the times I was in court. For 18 months of this time, I could only see my parents under supervision of a peace commissioner and the children were regularly withheld from their visitation rights in spite of court orders. The last few months saw my divorce finalized, our house auctioned by the bank and my business put into liquidation. During all this time, my elderly mother never flinched but I felt it was about time I started to earn an income again. In May however, she fell. Although she didn’t break any bones, she virtually had to learn to walk from scratch. Kidney infections followed but after a long haul she is now walking and driving the car again. She suffered from depression all along but recently it has become severe. My seven year old girl and eight year old boy are the loves of her life and give her joy and lots of physical affection which helps a great deal. The Lord revealed Himself to me in the midst of all this and has sustained me ever since. I just pray that He would get back to earning an income and help me enjoy a prolonged period of balmy, low atmospheric pressure.

  - Andrew

• August 3, 2011 5:35 p.m.

  This is all so difficult and I can really relate to many of your stories. It does bring some comfort that we are not alone in our situations. We have just placed my 70 pound mother with Alzheimer's in a nursing home. My father was doing his best to care for her at home but refused outside paid help. My husband and I did all their shopping and cleaning. I used to fix meals for them, but it started to offend my father who said he didn't need help. Obviously he was in denial of his 70 pound wife's needs. But she is already doing better after just 3 days. My dad has been dealing with a back injury from lifting her after a fall, so I had to leave the nursing home to go help him. My sweet husband keeps telling me that I have to put the oxygen mask on myself first so that I can have the strength to help others. It's hard to do without feeling overwhelmingly guilty, but I think he is right. I have been experiencing symptoms of stress and anxiety for quite a while. I will be praying for all of you in your situations. You are brave and noble and doing the best you can. That's all any of us can be expected to do. God bless you all.

  - Sharla

• July 31, 2011 6:06 p.m.

  July 31,2011 I have been trying to take care of my elderly mother I live two hours away. My sister lives near mother but will not talk to me. I have spent the last month going back a forth to mother's spending weeks at a time. Mother locked me out of her house at midnight. She doesn't understand why I won't come and stay with her without my husband. I drove home without any sleep.Mother has been doing this for years but I have never been there alone. My sister doesn't want me helping because she is spending all of mother's money. I am trying to help mother because I care about her. I have to return to work soon. I have suggested mother moves to an assisted living facility near me. She is resistant. She is upset with me because I will not drive back to her house and take her to the doctor. My sister doesn't want to take her. My sister doesn't work. I do not power of attorney my sister has it. She is also on all of mother bank accounts etc. All this is taking its toll on my health. I also believe my sister has a drinking problem.

  - Deanna

• July 20, 2011 7:39 a.m.

  Here's a plus-perfect storm: My mother, who lives with us, has Lewy body dementia and some parkinsonism, and recently was hospitalized briefly for a "cardiac indident" (probably a minor heart attack). My son is about to go to university. He has a history of severe food allergies and mono that really made his late high school difficult, and still has a lot of GI difficulties. I had either a really bad illness or toxic exposure in 2007 that hit my liver and left me with brain damage that over the years has ended up cascading with diagnoses of hypothyroid, dopamine deficit, and finally in 12/2010 a diagnosis of temporal lobe epilepsy which after several trials of medications this year (one of which produced a severe allergic reaction -- SJS -- and could have killed me) is now controlled with medication and I'm doing better despite some dramatic side effects. Add to this impressive "perfect storm sandwich," that my partner has been fighting neuropathic pain in his gut for three years, which was being treated off-label with amytriptaline, an antidepressant -- which seemed to kick a subclinical case of bipolar2 in my dear sweet artistic love into full blown mania and unliveability, in addition to giving him a golf-ball sized kidney stone and shutting down his urethra. Does this mean my sandwich is a triple-decker dagwood special? My stress levels must be through the *roof* and my retirement money just ran out. It's a good thing the anticonvulsants kicked

  - Shava

• June 27, 2011 11:26 a.m.

  I was struck by the "Perfect Storm" comment since it was one I had used to describe my situation. As I told my wife one day, most people have to deal with the challenges I (or "we") are facing just not all at the same time. I'm a small business owner in my 40's who got married and started a family late in the game. My wife and I have a beautiful baby girl that we consider the greatest gift in our lives. We both work full time plus on our jobs. The "perfect storm" involves my parents who are in their mid-80's and both in very poor health. My father is taking chemo and managing his end of life from cancer while my dear mother has spiraled into the final stages of Alzheimer's. I've grieved her passing to some extent already since she hasn't recognized me for well over a year. The stress of the past 2 or 3 years has set me back with several stress related and debilitating conditions. My father is the primary caregiver with some paid outside help. He is refusing though to put my mother in residential care until he has no other choice. The stress of managing their health, doctor's visits, and finances is too much even without the ever present grief and stresses of managing my own family/job. I'm often told I need to take care of myself, but its difficult when you are middle class and qualify for zero assistance. We would all be be better off if they had no assets. They don't have enough to care for themselves and yet too much to qualify f

  - John

• June 19, 2011 9:07 p.m.

  My father inlaw 89 with alzheimers & bone cancer home with mother inlaw 82 & fragile osteoporosis. We are gaurdians of autistic brother inlaw 42 and oversee husbands only other brother with mental disabilities. We have 2 daughters finding their way into adulthood. Live 120 miles from inlaws. Drove them to Doctor appointments spent weekends & phoned daily. Last winters perfect storm. My sister had knee replacement and my help the first weeks post op. Father inlaw fell and spent 10 hrs on floor. Mom brought blankets & pillow hoping he would get stronger and get up. 10 hrs later they decided to press the first alert they wear. Brother in law had issues my daughter in another state had a major need. What am I to do? Needed by many and over whelmed. I just wanted to sleep and wake up from the night mare. Lots of prayers & tears. So exhausting & hard to imagine how it can get any worse. It does.Ready to quit my job and move in with them. Now they have inhome care 4 days a week, rides to doctor, help cleaning and we have peace knowing someone is with them and will contact us whenever needed. When Mom was ready we checked out homes for Dads inevitable placement. Next is the funeral home preplanning. My parents had this taken care of yrs before they passed. I can tell you it was a blessing to the family when that need came. God give us strength to do your will. Patience & wisdom, let us hear you as you lead us to take care of ourselves.

  - Annie, One day at a time.

• May 27, 2011 9:53 a.m.

  I've been dealing with a lot of dementia patients lately as a professional caretaker. After becoming close to a patient, it's hard enough for me to see how rapidly they can change or, worse, decline. I can't imagine being the family member and not fully understanding why mom or grandma calls me names or throws punches at me when, 10 years ago, she was making pancakes and laughing about a family joke. It's even worse when a family member walks in, and mom or grandma doesn't recognize them or thinks they are someone else. It's more important than you realize to have help; whether it's a professional caretaker like me, or your second cousin, taking care of someone as sick as some dementia patients are (and as sick as they inevitably become) while trying to deal with your own life is almost impossible if you're doing it alone. Set up a schedule with other family members, decide who takes care of grandma on what day, and stick to it, because patients need consistency. Have a daily schedule written out as well, and include medication times, meal times, and activity times. Perhaps most importantly, and this is why I stress having help from outsiders (meaning other than yourself) realize that they are SICK. It's like trying to understand mental illnesses are, in fact, ILLNESSES, and dementia patients often times don't realize what they're doing. You may bear the brunt of their aggression, but they don't mean the hurtful things they say. Never be afraid to ask for help.

  - AS

• May 9, 2011 5:41 p.m.

  Years ago I was a single young mother with two daughters and a very handicapped son. I took care of him myself for several years and burned out. Then an experienced foster family for handicapped children took him into their home. I came over. I took him out. I was still his mom. The mother in this family was the best support person I ever had. She was a Godsend. I became a nurse. I also became an adult foster care provider, so I could take in elderly people who needed care. I usually cared for people with dementia. If you have these places available to you, they might turn out to be your biggest help. They are small (I took in 2 to 3 people) There is no turnover in caregivers, because they are usually in the families' own home. Mainly however, the "foster" caregiver will grow to truly care about your loved one and will truly give you support. Something to think about.

  - Pam

• April 6, 2011 4:07 p.m.

  Husband with Lewy Body Disease was "walked out" of his job of 36 years at age 59-1/2. He always said he wanted to retire at 59-1/2 but I never knew he could/would, and certainly not because of dementia. Never could I have imagined this after only 10 years of marriage. My mother is 92 years old with senile dementia. Doesn't take her meds, has been walking to the store and asking "anyone and everyone" for a ride home, according to the independent living place where she resides. There is little to no help from family members of either side. This whole thing seems like a never-ending nightmare but I know it's not and I won't be waking up.

  - Karla

• March 24, 2011 9:41 a.m.

  I'm 33, my mother in law (MIL) is 83. My husband and I took over her care Aug, 2010. We thought we were brining home his mom and going to have a fairly decent time with her. She was failing health wise, had a stroke 2 years ago, has had numerous TIAs, and has been an IDDM for 30 or so years. When we got to the hospital we realized they weren't even going to release her unless we were taking her back home with us. I was a paramedic of 13 years and my husband was a nurse of 7 or 8 years. We KNEW what happened in nursing homes to people like his mother...they were geri chairs and sedated. She came home with us. She hates me, I am the focus of all her aggressions. I am the reason she has vascular dementia, is talking with unseen others, responding to other internal stimuli and new onset paranoia. She's failing to thrive, has no reason to live, hates our home on the river and hates the fact her son married me. She's physically aggressive, wanders away, and yet is able to differentiate when she should be nice to me because she's hungry, or crapped her diapers and needs to shower, or wants her nails painted and she turns on the nice meter until she gets what she wants. As soon as i'm done feeding her or whatever else, she mumbles "bitch" or some other demeaning remark when I'm standing right there. It pisses me off to no end! This is not why we brought her home, she would be dead already if it weren't for our sacrifices (I quit my job). Dementia is hell..DON'T E

  - BJ

• March 10, 2011 10:25 a.m.

  I've just spent a few minutes reading the heartfelt entries in this blog (the one from BC brought me to tears!) and I can see so much of the pain and heaviness that I experienced here in other caregivers. My Mom lived with my husband and I for 10 years, her Alzheimer's producing a very gradual decline. I quit my full time job and lost health benefits in order to be able to care for her, and with the help of a county-subsidized daycare for adults with dementia, we were able to manage with me working a part time, flexible job. We moved her to a residential facility last year, and I was so exhausted that I felt I had "lost" myself during the years as caregiver. I absolutely could not have managed without my husband's love, support and help, the daycare program, wonderful friends, regular massage to help with stress, and spiritual strength which lifted me up when I could no longer keep going myself. For all those who are in the sandwich generation, who are dealing with Alzheimer's at whatever stage, my advice is to seek out help from local, national, and church related resources (we have a local Alzheimer's Support Group that is phenomenal), and do whatever you have to do to keep your own health and sanity. It can be a very long, lonely, difficult road, but there is also joy and there are funny moments, times when you see a flash of your loved one in there just beyond the dementia, and she's saying, "I love you and thanks for caring!" We are the Gifts of

  - KB

• January 18, 2011 1:12 p.m.

  I am an only child with two aging parents. I have a son in college and I work full time. My father had a mini stoke during the Christmas Holidays and the caregiving responsiblities have changed. I clean their house, do the grocery stopping, take them to doctors appointments, cook their meals and etc. Recently, I have just become worn out with my caregivers role and suffer from bouts of depression. For whatever reason, lately the job of taking care of them has gotten to be too much for me and I feel so tired. What I do know is they continue to get worse and the end from what I see will not be dressed in a neat package.

  - Vetuah

• December 22, 2010 3:45 p.m.

  I remember a time when 'I' mattered. I used to be a person, now it seems just an empty shell. I went from raising my son (and an attempt to raise my step-kids), to raising my 85 year old mother. My father died in 1985. Mom's a hoarder, and 2 1/2 years ago we discovered she had multiple pulmonary embolisms in every lobe of each lung, probably from the mold in her house. After recouperating, she moved in to assisted living for 6 mos, then with my husband and I for 2 years now. She fell in Oct and broke her hip, had hip replacement, spend two mos recovering in hospital and nursing center rehab.... begged us to come home. She uses Depends and says she doesn't know when to go to the bathroom otherwise when actually she lives to be sedentary and watch tv. We got her home 4 days ago on the premise she would cooperate with trying to help keep herself clean and doing physical therapy. She promised she would. Four days later... she took a swing at the therapist, refused bathing and told them she didn't have to do a f*ing thing if she didn't want to. My own health is questionable, both physical and now emotional (I'm worn out). My husband and I have bent over backwards to assist her in all ways and she is just manipulative and uncooperative. I don't even know who I am any more, and now my husband says 'it's her, or me'. I don't even know who to turn to for advice.

  - Lisa

• August 17, 2010 4:03 p.m.

  Reading the comments from everyone was very helpful to me as I feel so very alone much of the time. Though friends and co-workers can try to understand, there is truly no way they can unless they've experienced the stress of multiple simultaneous family crises. My story goes back many, many years. Details don't really matter but challenges involved a very ill sister who has since passed away, an elderly father who lived for 7 years at home after sustaining a major stroke that left him paralyzed and unable to speak, walk, etc., and my mother's decline due to innumerable health problems. Added to this, my only child, an intelligent, sensitive, and wonderful boy, has treatment resistant depression which has robbed him of years of his life at this point. I also work full-time. I totally understand the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual stress that all of the posters speak of here. If not for my husband and all he does to take care of me, I don't know what I'd do. The most difficult thing for me is feeling like no matter what I do, it's not enough. When I am caring for my mother, I think I should be with my son and vice-versa. It's a daily struggle not to succumb to despair. Though one feels like they no longer have their own life, what else is life for but to help loved ones and other people? I pray for all of you who are struggling.

  - Pam