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• Housecall
• Alzheimer's caregiving
• Living with cancer

• November 18, 2009 8:34 a.m.

  Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how my retirement years would be. I have a husband, elderly parents, children and grandchildren who all need me it seems. I love my family, but there is never time for me without ignoring someone. My parents are extremely difficult because my dad is so stubborn and wants to be in control. I just need a stronger back bone!

  - Nancy

• October 1, 2009 12:54 p.m.

  Please do not forget that the caregiver may also be the spouse who is well but aging. I am the person on hand when there is an emergency, eg fainting or dizziness or falling, and I am the one who arranges emergency care and is on hand when the patient returns from the hospital. I have good help from adult children in town. I am know these loving people are stressed from their positions as sandwich generation, especially with their very young children and challenging jobs. But I can see I am stressed from the crises and I worry about reacting sufficiently (knowing when to call an ambulance) or what would happen if he were by himself. Thanks for listening and noticing that caregivers are all ages.

  - Janet

• July 26, 2009 9:22 a.m.

  I and my brother gained guardianship of our aunt in 2007, just a few days after her mother (my grandmother, Nana) died. Since then, we have let our aunt live in a facility out of state. She does not want to move where we live, despite that only one friend comes to see her on Sundays, and another family friend and cousin see her rather infrequently. Since our aunt is in a guardianship, we have some leeway to make decisions on her behalf, including moving her to where we live. I am getting ready to move her, and I'm pretty sure she will become very upset. I work fulltime, have a family and husband, and can no longer afford to travel where she is. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm making the right decision to move her to where I live.

  - Dee

• July 23, 2009 11:21 a.m.

  I see myself in all of these journal entries. I became a widow 2006. I moved from NC to GA to help 82 yrs. old parents. Mom has been in a LTC facility-14 mon. Dad lives next door & he's a cancer suvivor for 17 yrs. It's a rare radiation cancer, from WWII in Japan after the A bombs. His gastro cancer is inoperable,slow growing, & was manageable. Now,the cancer's growing at a faster pace, slowly taking over. He's has several stints to provide blood flow to intestines to keep from dying. Since July '08, he's been in a rapid decline, irreg. heart, pacemaker, lots of RXs, loss of weight etc. Recently, diag. with dementia, falls a lot, feels like a burden to everyone. Depression holds hands with sickness. I am dad's caregiver, my brother lives next door & does the PM RX & tuckes him into bed. I manage every thing else! Knowing this helps me keep life in perspective: being a caregiver is an assignment given only to people who have the Gift of Mercy. We're hand chosen, selected by our Heavenly Father, & become the extention of His Holy Hands. It's an honor to be a caregiver but there are times when it's not easy. Some days are good but many more days are filled with disasters looking for an opportunity to happen. I take CD Bible studies to mom's bedside every night & we listen together. I'm tired when I get there, but refreshed when I leave. Let God's Word become alive & acitve in you because it's your well of strength & comfort for yourself & th

  - BC

• June 15, 2009 7:40 p.m.

  Thank you for this site. I am 41 and have an 11 year old daughter and work full-time. My dad, who is 86, needs help but doesn't thinks he does and becomes angry when I try. He currently lives 3 hours away and I recently discovered him living with no food or drink and very ill. It turned out he had double pneumonia and he was so badly dehydrated that he developed the beginnings of kidney failure. We told him he needed to move closer to my family and he seemed okay with that until the day to move in to his beautiful poolside senior apartment got closer. Now he is yelling at me telling me he needs his independence. To make matters worse, sibblings are accusing me of trying to take advantage of him when in fact I have lost all of my sick time and vacation time and thousands of dollars (and my sanity) trying to care for him. So today, he had a temper tantrum and drove back home on a two-lane highway that is very dangerous. I know it is just a matter of time before he gets sick again. What can you do when your family member won't accept help?

  - Jacquie

• May 1, 2009 4:39 p.m.

  To whom It May Concern: I am a caregiver for my 97 year old mother. She still lives alone in an independent Senior apartment about 14 miles from where I live. I have 2 younger brother. They both live out-of-state so the responsibility of taking care of my mother falls on my shoulders. I am 69 years old, a widow, no children and have multiple chronic and incurable health problems myself. I have to set up my mother's medications, take her grocery shopping, to church and to other stores, bank. I also have to fill out any insurance forms or any other forms that she gets in the mail or from her landlord. I was pretty much able to do these tasks plus my own. I don't work right now. I am planning on doing some volunteer work, however. My brother, Tom, came to visit my mother during the holidays. He was teaching English in India. He stayed about a month and then went back to Asia. My mother, about a month ago, woke up in the middle of the night and discovered some small black bugs crawling on her sheet and also she had several red spots on her arms and back which itched a lot. My mother put one of the bugs into a jar and took it to the apartment office and when they examined it, they said it was a bedbug and her apartment would need to be fumigated.every I had to do all of the work by myself including pushing all the furniture out from the wall. I have Spondylosis in my lower back. It was a nightmare. We had a deadline to meet. cas

  - Carol Ann Sondergaard

• April 13, 2009 8:17 p.m.

  I too am in my own "sandwich" situation, with a few more twists.I have 5 children and 2 grandchildren with one on the way. I live with my husband of 10 1/2yrs(42)who has polycystic kidney disease and is on dialysis 3x wkly, receives a meager disability pay,was recently diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma(non leathal skin cancer),and has a large wound on his foot that he goes to a wound care center 2x wkly to have debrised and which I clean pack and care for every other day.My 82 yr old father has been living with us for 2yrs.. I am an only child so all responsibility lies with me. He has multiple weekly appts, is going blind(which is making him cranky,DUH),he is partially deaf, and completely unable to drive. At this time, neither is my husband. My 21yr old daughter moved back home with her 2yr old son, and one on the way,with no job, no money and no prospects. My 22 yr old daughter is going through a divorce, with a 4 yr old dauhgter. My 16 yr old daughter is in counciling for anger management, which got her suspended from school for four3 mths. I am in a dead end job in a hotel,with no prospects(mi economy is BAD). My 19 year old son is starting college and can't find a job. And everyone is at home. I don't know what keeps me from losing it, but i guess you just do what ever it takes to get everyone through. I've got to say sleep is always more than welcome. My day starts at 4am and hopefully ends my 12am. Just hang in there,they really need you!!!! Melt downs hel

  - theresa k.

• March 25, 2009 8:57 a.m.

  Dear Janine, I found myself relating to much of what you just spoke about. My mother is 90 and as independent as your father. She recently fell twice in one morning (luckily she has a lifeline she wears all the time). I was in tears. I felt like the decisions I don't want to make were coming too quickly. I know her dr. fairly well and called and tipped him off what was going on. He saw her and actually got in her face and told her she needed to be in Assisted Living. She refused. My husband (and I don't know what I would do without him) and I decided that we were going to let her be independent-- I call her everyday, but only manage to see her once a week. She only lives 1 1/2 mi. from us. I then found a nurse who works at the Office on Aging, which is through Health and Human Services. Their motto is to keep everyone in their homes as long as they can. They offer services on an income based basis. We haven't started that yet, but we're going to try the housekeeping and lifeline. They also have a bath aid that comes for an hour once a week. Might be something to look into. Mom pretty much knows I don't want her to drive and so far seems to be okay with that (we only live in a community of 1000 people). Like you, I am the only one close to Mom, my sister lives 6 hrs away and a brother in Alaska. Right now I'm feeling that it was a good thing the dr. got in her face and we're not so attentive. I hope things get better for you.

  - Carol

• March 24, 2009 7:27 p.m.

  I'm dealing with a 90yr father, who is in a condo & still fairly independent with a few health issues, but not major ones at this point. My difficulty is that he refuses to go to his audiologist, the eye doctor, and refuses to enroll in a comprehensive driving program test that his regular MD said he should go to before he continues to drive. His bed mattress has a sunken middle, it's over 25yrs old and no matter how nicely I talk with him or tell him I'm concerned, he tells me to leave him alone on all issues. Yes, he is still driving too. I live 5 minutes away, my sister is out of state and my brother lives out of country. So my dads care is all on my shoulders. I don't know whether to tattletale to my dads regular doctor or keep praying that he never hurts anyone else while driving. He had a car accident just before Christmas, which was his fault, but the truck that he cut off on snow filled roads had no damage, my dads car took it all, and then he paid out of pocket to have the car fixed, which was more than the car is worth. Again, to avoid having his driving privileges taken away. It's very hard to just say, he's making is own decisions, though I know those decisions should be modified. My mother has been gone 22yrs so he's used to having his own way, I just don't know how to go about dealing with a very stubborn father.

  - Janine

• March 24, 2009 3:55 p.m.

  Just a few weeks ago I traveled to Germany to take care of my parents. I am a 45 year old single (divorced) mother of a 10-year old son. My 85 years old father, who is almost blind, had suffered from a mild stroke toward the end of November with only mimal side effects that mostly wore off. But in the middle of January he was admitted to the hospital and quickly diagnosed with gall bladder stone, which had blocked both entrance of the gall bladder. The result was a massive infection that left him with the inability to keep any foods down. His pancreas, liver and kidneys were affected and even after the surgery he was not able to eat for another week. After a 2-week stay at the hospital he was transferred to a nursning facility for a temporary stay. My 83-year old mother, who was diagnosed with Myastenia Gravis 2 years ago, had to be admitted 2 days after my father had been brought to the hospital with a Myastenia Crisis. She too stayed for extensive treatments and tests for 4 weeks in the same hospital and was releases a few days before I arrived in Germany. Although I had prepared myself for the worst it was almost more than I could muster. My father came home several days later. Both my parents are now under the care of visiting nurses twice daily and have gone from active, athletic people, to two individuals who depend on others. I am back in the states but will travel regularly to Germany. Living 1000nds of miles away makes it even harder to deal with this.

  - Christine D.

• February 28, 2009 9:05 a.m.

  I am 48 years old with two teenage children in college and one at home about to enter high school. Both my parents have dementia. I have been caring for them for the last 5 years but the last 6 months has been overwhelming as they have gotten worse and now need 24 hour care.They are at home and we are now awaiting approval for in home care in NYC through medicaid. The money issue is scary as we are paying for the help right now. It is expensive! and the money will run out.Even with all the preparation like going to a elder care lawyer years ago when my Mom was diagnosed and having help I am so overwhelmed that I couldnt get out of bed recently for a few days. Despair and depression. I came around with help from family and friends. I now exercise for 20 minutes and finally got a haircut and am doing small things for me. My faith and prayer have brought me around. I love my parents and know that ultimately they may wind up in a nursing home. That makes me sad and the feelings of sadness overwhelm me. I try to take each day at a time and know that I am not alone. Seek out friends and family to talk to. I also started to see a therapist. My blessings to anyone going through this process. I try to bring light and laughter to my parents but know I must be well to pass this along to them, God Bless!

  - Kathy

• January 6, 2009 1:01 a.m.

  I found myself at the bottom of the stairs mumbling over & over, "I can't!" I was unable to stop. I thought I'd lost my mind. That was the first time I "hit the wall." I'm a 54 year old woman, employed full time, married, with 2 sons in college. I used to speak coherent sentences. I used to recognize myself in the mirror. I was productive at work and had a decent savings account. That was another life. In the last 2 years, both my husband and I were diagnosed with cancer. My husband cared for his 88 year old mom who had Alzheimer's and medical problems. She passed away last month - we'll be caring for his 60 year old brother with deveIopmental disabilities who lived with her. He will join my 80 year old dad, who I brought home from another state to live with us after he suffered a stroke last summer and we discovered he had kidney cancer, prostrate problems and vascular insufficiency - each of which required surgery. We also discovered he had dementia. His finances were a disaster. His pension is too high to qualify for Medicaid; insufficient to pay for medical, pharmacy and long term care. My older son provides adult day care during the day, I cover nights and weekends. My younger son and husband handle the house. Dad works hard to "get better" and not be troublesome. I don't know about heroes - what I do know is that small kindnesses matter, laughing at the ridiculousness of life lightens the load, it matters more to try than whether we fai

  - Dianne

• November 29, 2008 10:23 a.m.

  I am a single dad. My dad passed 5 years ago after a long illness. At about the same time his care giver (my mom) finally went to the doctor to be diagnosed with 4th stage breast cancer. I have been her "replacement" spouse for almost 5 years. At first It was several visits a week, than it tapered to twice a month to make sure that she was doing ok with new friends in a senior part. Now, I have my 17yo daughter and 19yo son and my 82yo mom at home. I have had to let some of my stricter habbits go in favor of caring for my mom. This is very hard for me to see my kids do some things I would not have. I have had to become the non star at work, pretty much relegated to the back of the class. Mom just got over a 5 day stint in the hospital to come back to my house in a hospital bed. She does not want to eat, drinks when I nag her, gets up once or twice a day and her breathing has become very shallow. I cant tell you in 1500 characters all the trials we have all been through. I keep telling myself that when she is gone I will take some time for myself. Until than it is a day to day ordeal. Some times, I wish it was me first, but I have to take care of them until I am done. Oh, and remember before health care and ssi, this IS the way life was.

  - daniel

• August 3, 2008 4:58 a.m.

  We really are the first generation to contend w/being caught between our aging parents & our struggling kids', not to mention our own health/life issues; little wonder we feel bewildered, depressed, anxious, stressed, exhausted. We've had no one to adequately guide us, to impart their wisdom to us. We may be the "Sandwich Generation", but our parents & kids are the "Guinea Pig Generations" as we try various techniques to provide 'quality' end of life care (an oxymoron) for our parents and 'a quality life' for our kids. It's a relatively new phenomenon in our culture, & no one's fault, really. No wonder those of us caring for struggling children, dying parents, our partners/spouses/friends,& our own issues while trying to make ends meet during these frightening economic times are feeling scared, sad, angry, hurt, overwhelmed & depressed. While we try to do our best to take care of our loved ones, we need to keep a couple of very important thoughts in the front of our minds at all times: While providing care for our parents, we are training our children to take care of us in our 'golden years', so it is in the best interest of all concerned for you to give your-Self permission to take care of your-Self, even if it's a few hours a week, make time to "Just Be" & do absolutely nothing. No one cares about dirty dishes, but everyone will be affected if you aren't available to provide the care they need. And forget massages-you'l

  - abigail

• July 22, 2008 6:45 p.m.

  My dear friend and next door neighbor is going thru a terrific crisis. She has been diagnosed with a bacterial infection in her lungs with holes in her lungs. She is working full time, caring for her mother with Alzheimers. She has several brothers and sisters but she is the main caretaker. Her mother is progressing to the confused and violent type of Alzheimers and hardly any good nursing home in our area will take her with her behaviors. Is there any suggestions or alternatives.?

  - Judy

• July 21, 2008 4:18 p.m.

  The number one fear of retirees and retirement planners is running out of money and one of the fastest ways to do that is paying for long term care. So if you're over 50 you seriously need to consider getting a policy. It's also important to know who should not buy this insurance: http://guidetolongtermcare.com/ltcinsurance.html#notbuy The wealthy will pay themselves, the poor will get Medicaid, but everyone in between will pay out of pocket, draining their life savings. One policy to look for is the Partnership policy. It provides asset protection.

  - Mark Elliston

• July 10, 2008 7:17 a.m.

  I came across this site because I am desperate to get any support or new information I can.  I am 43 and have two children ages nine and six.  My brother died 4 1/2 years ago to suicide.  My mother died 1 year ago after a short 7 month battle with lung cancer with liver mets, and evetually brain, then spinal cord.  Now my dad is dying from pulmonary fibrosis,CHF,and myelodysplastic anemia. These last few years been so painful. I am the youngest of five children and I work part time so I am naturally the leading care taker. I do this with honor and I am greatful for the time spent with my parents. I hope that when this hurricane ends the sea's are calm that I was an example to my children and to my husband (who has never lost anyone yet). My heart aches and mind never stops, but I hope to stay strong. Thank you for all your posts. It made me feel not so alone and gave me strength and encouragement.

  - Laurie

• April 23, 2008 2:58 a.m.

  As my father's carer,I have learnt that 10 minutes of my time each day,is appreciated just as much as spending a whole day with him. This was difficult at first, as I used to feel guilty, not about myself, but the fact I have 4 siblings who considered it enough for them to see him once in any week. Only when I became ill did I realise that I had to stop beating up on myself. Now I am taking time at 54 to study and, have found this new outlet and the friends I have made at college beneficial to my own sense of sanity. This in itself has made me stronger and able to face any storm, perfect or not. My message to all is "Make time for yourself" in whatever way makes you happy. If your happy, those you care for will benefit better than if your stressed.

  - Cath

• April 15, 2008 4:26 p.m.

  God bless all stressed caregivers and "sandwiched" people. Stay strong. A close friend is great.Time out for self. 75 and healthy but facing "where do we go from here?"

  - Joan MN

• April 13, 2008 8:44 p.m.

  I as well,feel sandwiched. I have been surrounded by grief by the loss of loved ones due to cancer. My aunt who was very close to our family passed away last May, my dad a month later. Today at my aunt's burying of her ashes, I was told by my 54 year old very close cousin that she has pancreatic cancer. So sad. We are as well, retired, in our 50's trying to support our son who is in his final year of college and at a crucial time in his career re: exmas etc. He has a live in girl friend, who helps pay rent. Jobs are scarce in our area. My sister-in laws, both in their 50's once just finished treatment for bowel cancer, one agressive breast cancer. My best friend's mom is suffering with pancreatic cancer. Mom is 80 and doesn't drive. She must rely on myself and husband to help her with doctor appts. etc. Still lives in own home but finding it tough to maintain by herself. My sandwich is a "Dagwood". The pickle on my sandwich is that I have a bad back injury from a motor vehicle accident two years ago and still in treatment. I know I must stay as healthy as possible, but have lost quite a bit of weight in past 6 months and have insomnia. A day at a time, but very hard days. As well mother-in law in nursing home, has been close to death three times in past year. Family has flown home. Where do you find comfort? Who do you seek out to really help with depression? Doctors are too busy and overworked. Guess what I find the hardest is all my friends are facing challenges.

  - C. Kearns

• March 7, 2008 2:16 p.m.

  Is there a good web-based support group of sandwiched caregivers? I desperately need a place to vent, ask questions, get advice, but mostly feel not so alone. I also wish there was an on-line assessment tool that would match your loved one with the best living arrangement. My 87 year old mom is too healthy for Assisted Living, but may be too confused for an "Active Senior Community." I'm an adopted only child, so am her entire world. I'm also married and have four kids of my own, ranging in age from 13 to 24 (who has mental issues), so we don't have room for her to live with us. Our small town doesn't have a gerontologist, and my mom's Family Practitioner says she "doesn't have Alzheimer's," but doesn't diagnose her condition as anything else. I think she might have Mild Cognitive Impairment. Let me know if there is (1) a web-based support group, (2) on-line assessment tool for living arrangements, (3) treatment for Mild Cognitive Impairment. Thanks!

  - C.B.

• February 22, 2008 12:52 p.m.

  1. Do they have a residents bill of rights? Do they adhere to it? 2. Trustworthy - Do they do criminal background checks on all their employees? Is it a reputable state licensed agency? What have the surveyors cited them for? Have citations been corrected in a timely manner? 3. Trained - What type of training is required to be hired? Ongoing? Are there licensed nursing staff supervising? Who has access to, sets up, administers meds? Do they require annual CPR, first aid, vulneralbe adult trainings? Do they have an MD overseeing the facility? 4. Activities - Do they have a formal activities program? Does it include both indoor and outdoor activities? 1:1 and group? Do they offer things to keep residents minds stimulated and bodies active? 5. What is their mission statement? Would the staff place their loved one in that center?

  - Lori

• February 22, 2008 12:39 p.m.

  6. Space - How many people to a room? More than one common area? Facility completely accessible - ramps, showers, toilets? Privacy - How do they ensure both physical and records (HIPAA) privacy? 7. Nutrition - What are their menu plans? Are they created/reviewed by a registered dietician? Cooked by a kitchen staff (lg facility) or with all staff (sm fac.) cooking? Is there variety? Fresh foods? Choices or say in menu planning? Are residents able to assist in prep or cooking? 8. Do the other residents appear content? Happy? Are there esthetic touches - bird atrium, fish tanks, fountains, plants? Can residents assist in the care - watering plants, feeding fish? 9. Transportation - Do they? If so, in what, by whom, for what purposes? Do they ensure staff have valid licenses and insurance? 10. What is their protocol in case of emergency or death? I hope this helps you in starting a dialog with your mom's center. Please post how it turns out. Thanks much.

  - Lori

• February 22, 2008 12:23 p.m.

  Connie ~ My top 10 1. Do they have a residents bill of rights? Is it adhered to? 2. Trustworthy - Do they do criminal background checks on all their employees? Is it a reputable state licensed agency? What citations have they received from the state surveyors and have they corrected them in a timely manner? 3. Trained - What type of training is required to be hired? Remain employed? Do they have licensed nursing staff supervising unlicensed staff? Who has access to, sets up, administers meds? Do they require annual training for CPR, first aid, vulnerable adult? Do they have a doctor overseeing the facility? 4. Activities - Do they have a formalized activities program? Does it include indoor & outdoor activities? 1:1 and group? Things to keep residents minds stimulated and bodies as active as possible? 5. Their viewpoint - What is their mission statement? Would everyone working there place their loved on in their care? I will continue on a 3rd post.

  - Lori

• February 22, 2008 12:08 p.m.

  Connie ~ A few years back, I worked for a Home Health Care Agency, both out in the field as an aide & LPN and in then in the office coordinating benefits either with insurance co. or county social workers. Additionally, my 91 yo grandma has been a client of theirs for 20 years. During my time with them, they began providing assisted living services in apartment complexes and elderly foster care services in homes they purchased. I just retired from my job as a director of an adult foster care home providing services to developmentally disabled adults. So I have viewed caregiving from several angles: personaly with my grandma; direct caregiving for others; indirectly by authorizing services and directly/responsibly for hiring caregivers and creating the "goals" my dd cosumers would work on based on criteria set up by our state / county. With that, I have a few questions for you. What type of ltc center is it? What state are you in (I am in MN)? My top 10 follows in a n

  - Lori