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Preparing for your appointment
By Mayo Clinic staffCall your doctor if you've recently lost a loved one and are feeling such profound disbelief, hopelessness or intense yearning for your loved one that you can't function in daily life. If you had a warm relationship with the doctor who cared for your loved one before his or her death, you may also wish to call that doctor to talk about your loss. Someone who knew your loved one well and experienced the loss alongside you may be able to provide unique comfort.
After your initial appointment, your doctor may refer you to a mental health provider who can help diagnose your symptoms and provide a treatment plan.
Here's some information to help you prepare for your appointment, and what to expect from your doctor.
What you can do
- Write down any symptoms you've been experiencing, and for how long. Your doctor will want to know the extent to which these symptoms are affecting your daily life, including work and personal relationships.
- Write down your key personal information, especially any additional, major stress or change you've experienced since your loved one died. For example, tell your doctor if you or someone close to you has had a serious illness since your loved one's death, or if you've had significant family disruptions or financial problems.
- Write down all of your medical information, including other physical or mental health conditions with which you've been diagnosed. Also write down the names of any medications you're taking.
- Ask a trusted family member or friend to be present for your appointment, if possible. Sometimes it can be difficult to soak up all the information provided to you during an appointment. Someone who accompanies you may remember something that you missed or forgot.
- Write down questions to ask your doctor.
Questions to ask your doctor or mental health provider include:
- Do you think my symptoms are more severe than what's typical after a loved one's death? Why?
- Do you think talk therapy would help me?
- Are there local support groups that might be a fit for me?
- Are medications available that could improve my symptoms?
- What are the possible side effects of those medications?
- What self-care steps are most likely to help me?
- How long do you expect it will take me to feel better with treatment?
- Will I eventually feel like myself again?
In addition to the questions that you've prepared in advance, don't hesitate to ask for more information at any time that you don't understand.
What to expect from your doctor
A doctor or mental health provider who sees you for possible complicated grief may ask:
- How often do you think about your deceased love one?
- When you think about your loved one, what do you feel?
- Do you believe you could have prevented your loved one's death?
- Do you ever wish that you had died along with your loved one?
- Would you say you've accepted that your loved one is gone?
- Have you had difficulty trusting people since your loved one died?
- How well would you say are you functioning in your daily life, including work, household maintenance and other relationships?
- Have you experienced any other major stresses, changes or loss since your loved one died?
- Have you had trouble eating or sleeping since your loved one died?
- How much social support would you say you have, such as from relatives, friends or a church community?
- Have you been diagnosed with any medical conditions?
- Have you been treated for other psychiatric symptoms or mental illness in the past? If yes, what type of therapy was most beneficial?
- Have you ever thought about harming yourself or others?
- Do you drink alcohol or use illicit drugs? If so, how often?
What you can do in the meantime
While you're waiting for your doctor appointment, try reaching out to your friends or family. Talking about your feelings and asking for help is essential to healthy grieving.
If you have fantasies about hurting yourself, go to an emergency room or call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
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- Lipsitz JD. Interpersonal theory of depression. Gabbard GO, ed. Textbook of Psychotherapeutic Treatments. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing; 2009. http://www.psychiatryonline.com. Accessed July 13, 2009.
- Marchand L. End-of-life care. In: Rakel RE. Rakel: Textbook of Family Medicine. Philadelphia, Pa.: Saunders Elsevier; 2007. http://www.mdconsult.com/das/book/body/149504704-3/862284999/1494/128.html#4-u1.0-B978-1-4160-2954-0..50085-5_4160. Accessed July 13, 2009.
- Block SD. Grief and bereavement. http://www.uptodate.com/home/index.html. Accessed July 13, 2009.
- Kendler KS, et al. Does bereavement-related major depression differ from major depression associated with other stressful life events? American Journal of Psychiatry.2008;165:1449.
- Abrahm JL. Caring for patients at the end of life. In: Abeloff MD, et al. Abeloff's Clinical Oncology. 4th ed. Philadelphia, Pa.: Churchill Livingstone; 2008. http://www.mdconsult.com/das/book/body/149504704-4/862286866/1709/49.html#4-u1.0-B978-0-443-06694-8..50048-8_1340. Accessed July 13, 2009.
- Siegel MD, et al. Psychiatric illness in the next of kin of patients who die in the intensive care unit. Critical Care Medicine. 2008;36:1722.
- Complicated grief. National Cancer Institute. http://www.nci.nih.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/bereavement/Patient/page8. Accessed July 13, 2009.
- Major depression and complicated grief. American Cancer Society. http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MBC/content/MBC_4_1X_Major_Depression_and_Complicated_Grief.asp. Accessed July 13, 2009.
- Simon NM, et al. Complicated grief: A case series using escitalopram. American Journal of Psychiatry. 2007;164:1760.
- Prigerson HG, et al. Inventory of complicated grief: A scale to measure maladaptive symptoms of loss. Psychiatry Research. 1995;59:65.
- Hall-Flavin DK (expert opinion). Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. July 15, 2009.
