The Mayo Clinic Diet Book, learn more

Free

E-newsletter

Subscribe to Housecall

Our weekly general interest
e-newsletter keeps you up to date on a wide variety of health topics.

Sign up now

continued:

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck, consider the situation from the other person's point of view. Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. In addition, consider broadening your view of the world. Expect occasional imperfections from the people in your life. You might want to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you. It can also be helpful to write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?

If you haven't reached a state of forgiveness, being near the person who hurt you might be tense and stressful. To handle these situations, remember that you can choose to attend or avoid specific functions and gatherings. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to attend, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You might find that the experience helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how those wrongs have affected others. At the same time, avoid judging yourself too harshly. You're human, and you'll make mistakes. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically ask for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever the outcome, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.

Previous page
(2 of 2)
References
  1. Worthington EL, et al. Forgiveness, health, and well being: A review of evidence for emotional versus decisional forgiveness, dispositional forgiveness, and reduced unforgiveness. Journal of Behavioral Medicine. 2007;30:291.
  2. Whited MC, et al. The influence of forgiveness and apology on cardiovascular reactivity and recovery in response to mental stress. Journal of Behavioral Medicine. 2010;33:293.
  3. Hirsch JK, et al. Forgiveness, depression, and suicidal behavior among a diverse sample of college students. Journal of Clinical Psychology. 2011;67:896.
  4. Hurst K. Rx: Forgiveness. Family Medicine. 2011;43:203.
  5. Fehr R. The road to forgiveness: A meta-analytic synthesis of its situational and dispositional correlates. Psychological Bulletin. 2010;136:894.
  6. Thornton B. Try forgiveness. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families. 2011;19:245.
  7. Toussaint LL, et al. Forgive to live: Forgiveness, health, and longevity. Journal of Behavioral Medicine. In press. Accessed Sept. 3, 2011.
  8. Hantman S, et al. Forgiveness in late life. Journal of Gerontological Social Work. 2010;53:613.
  9. Braithwaite SR, et al. Forgiveness and relationship satisfaction: Mediating mechanisms. Journal of Family Psychology. 2011;25:551.
  10. Piderman KM (expert opinion). Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. Sept. 3, 2011.
  11. Sood A. Train Your Brain, Engage Your Heart, Transform Your Life: A Course in Attention and Interpretation Therapy (AIT). Rochester, Minn.: Morning Dew Publications; 2010: 303.
MH00131 Nov. 23, 2011

© 1998-2013 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.com," "EmbodyHealth," "Enhance your life," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.

  • Reprints
  • Print

  • Share on:

  • Email

Advertisement


Text Size: smaller largerlarger