End-of-life care (5)
- Hospice care: An option when confronting terminal illness
- Terminal illness: Interacting with a terminally ill loved one
- End of life: Caring for your dying loved one
- see all in End-of-life care
Grief (8)
- Grief: Coping with reminders after a loss
- Grief: A Mayo Clinic doctor confronts painful emotions
- Survivors of suicide: Healing after a loved one's suicide
- see all in Grief
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Terminal illness: Interacting with a terminally ill loved one
What else can I do for my loved one who's dying?
You can encourage your loved one to talk about his or her life — what is referred to as life review. These are those marvelous stories that get told around the campfire. I may ask a man to tell me how he met his wife. Sometimes, when adult children are present, it's amazing to find out they've never heard these stories. Some families record these conversations as a way of eventually honoring the memory of their loved one.
How important is it for you to keep a vigil by your loved one when he or she is near death?
Sometimes circumstances make it possible for you to keep a vigil by your loved one before his or her death. This can be a very sacred but very draining experience. Never underestimate the power of your presence. Just being present, even while feeling helpless or powerless, can be an important source of strength and comfort for your loved one and for you. And there are times during the vigil when you can provide assistance, such as making certain your loved one's pain and symptoms are addressed and that he or she has access to the spiritual resources he or she may need.
Also remember to touch your loved one. The amount of touching a dying person receives tends to decrease as others observe the person to be closer to death. There's nothing more reassuring than touch. I've seen people massage lotion into the hands and feet of a dying person, or rub the person's head. Even if there seems to be no outward indication, your loved one may be aware of your touch and take comfort in it.
If you're awaiting the death of an adult child, talking about what your loved one was like as a child can be comforting. What do you remember most? The goal of this kind of engagement is to make and honor memories, to get resolution, and to affirm that the life of the dying person mattered and will be remembered.
Keeping a vigil can be really difficult. It's an uncharacteristic type of work for which most of us don't receive preparation. So it's a good idea for the person keeping the vigil to take care of herself or himself. Take breaks, accept others' support, drink plenty of fluids, try to get some rest, eat meals. All that emotional upheaval can be exhausting. If you feel overwhelmed, consider getting a respite worker or a patient care assistant to help provide the physical care so that you can continue to be there emotionally for your loved one.
Is it appropriate to tell your loved one that it's all right to let go?
Sometimes it appears as though the dying person is having difficulty letting go. Perhaps the experience isn't evolving the way you thought it would. Perhaps it's taking longer than you anticipated. People die in their own time. Whether someone really holds on until the last son arrives, for example, we have no way of proving, even if it seems that way. If you think someone is hanging on for your sake, it's OK to tell the person that you will be all right and that he or she can let go. Sometimes we expect ourselves to be present at the time of death. We can't control this. Perhaps the dying person is more in charge of this than we know.
What advice do you have for people who are grieving?
When I'm sitting with people who are keeping a vigil for a loved one who's dying or who has died, they often say that it feels like a bad dream. Feelings of grief, loss and sadness come in waves. Emotions can feel overwhelming, making even simple tasks seem difficult for a time. This is all normal. It doesn't mean you're going to be unable to function for the rest of your life. It means that right now most of what you can do is grieve. It's part of being human and part of loving. Grief is the natural response to loving and feeling loss. Remember that grief does not necessarily begin at the time of death. The grieving process can begin as the illness progresses and normal roles change or get lost.
If you're concerned that you're spending too much time grieving and are unable to function, or others have expressed concern about you, consider seeking professional mental health support. Grief can be likened to a journey that one has to travel though. If it seems you're getting stuck on that journey, getting some help may be beneficial.
What do you tell people who are struggling with guilt?
Guilt is a normal part of grieving. Did I do the right thing? Could I have done more? Was I there enough? Did I say the right things?
At a time like this, you're especially vulnerable to guilt. Feeling guilt in the wake of a loss allows us to take an inventory of ourselves. Most of the time we'll come to some peace and the guilt will fade. You may need someone to talk to who can listen to you as you work through this part of grief.
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