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Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair
Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, but an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. Understand how a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair.
By Mayo Clinic staffFew marital problems cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity. Money worries, health issues and disagreements about children can strain a relationship — but infidelity undermines the foundation of marriage itself. Divorce isn't necessarily inevitable after infidelity, however. With time to heal and a mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship, some couples emerge from infidelity with a stronger and more honest relationship than before.
Defining infidelity
Infidelity isn't a single, clearly defined situation — and what's considered infidelity varies among couples and even between partners in a relationship. What may be acceptable for some couples may be unacceptable for others. Similarly, what's tolerable for one partner in a relationship may be intolerable for the other. For example, is it infidelity if your partner is attracted to someone else but doesn't act on it? Is an emotional connection without physical intimacy considered infidelity? What about online relationships?
Many factors can contribute to infidelity, from low self-esteem or discontent with the marriage to addiction to sex, love or romance. Generally, a person who's having an affair:
- Experiences a strong sexual attraction to someone other than his or her partner
- Keeps the relationship a secret, often resorting to lies and deception
- Feels a stronger emotional connection to the person with whom he or she is having an affair than to his or her partner
Discovering an affair
The initial discovery of an affair can trigger a range of powerful emotions for both partners — shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt, remorse. You may cycle through all of these emotions many times in a single day, one minute vowing to end the marriage and the next wanting desperately to save it. At this point, it's important to take one step at a time:
- Give each other space. The discovery of an affair can be intense. It's often helpful to take a "timeout" when emotions are running high.
- Seek support. Share your feelings with trusted friends and loved ones or a spiritual leader or counselor. Objective, nonjudgmental support can help you clarify what you're feeling and put the affair into perspective.
- Take your time. Avoid delving into the intimate details of the affair right away. Take time to absorb the situation, postponing any discussions with your partner until you can have a constructive conversation.
(1 of 2)
- Gordon KC, et al. Treating couples recovering from infidelity: An integrative approach. Journal of Clinical Psychology. 2005;61:1393.
- Snyder DK, at al. Treating infidelity: Clinical and ethical directions. Journal of Clinical Psychology. 2005;61:1453.
- AAMFT consumer update: Infidelity. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. http://www.therapistlocator.net/families/Consumer_Updates/Infidelity.asp. Accessed Jan. 20, 2010.
- Hertlein KM, et al. Therapists' assessment and treatment of Internet infidelity cases. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 2008;34:481.
- Whitty MT, et al. Emotional and sexual infidelity offline and in cyberspace. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 2008;34:461.
- Atkins DC, et al. Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Optimism in the face of betrayal. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 2005;73:144.
- Atkins DC, et al. Infidelity in couples seeking marital therapy. Journal of Family Psychology. 2005;19:470.
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